The Developmental Principle of Embeddedness

02 – the developmental principle of embeddedness

Lessons from the Womb

In the womb, a child grows naturally, without deliberate intervention. For example, a mother doesn’t eat carrots specifically to ensure the fetus develops good eyesight. Similarly, the first year of life serves as a “social womb,” where the child’s development unfolds naturally within their environment.

Two aspects of supporting the child’s development

Natural growth through embeddedness means that we must not disturb the baby’s natural development. This is the focus of the first year of development, that we allow their natural development to proceed undisturbed. As they grow, however, it becomes essential to support their transition from one plane of development to the next.

The social womb gives the foundation

In cases of autism, a baby struggles with the typical foundational development provided by the “social womb.” This social womb stage, rooted in the environment, relies on elements like eye contact, physical connection, and language exposure. It is crucial to embrace and value this embedded stage of development.

Unlike animals, humans possess a unique “social embeddedness”—a natural ability to comprehend, relate, and connect to others’ experiences. From the “social womb,” our brains are wired for social communication, enabling behaviors like shared attention. For example, when someone looks in a particular direction, a child instinctively follows. We are hardwired for this!

Practical takeaways from the developmental principle of “embeddedness”

People often claim the mashgiach, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, said it is “terrible to ever leave your baby to cry,” but this is incorrect. It is important to allow a child to cry at times so they do not become a “dictator” king, but rather an “embedded in the family” king—someone who feels secure as part of the family even when alone or in unfamiliar situations. For example, when my two-year-old son was playing at the park, I told him, “Wait here, and I’ll be back.” I left for five minutes and returned to find him still playing calmly, confident that I would return as promised. The mashgiach was impressed and asked how I instilled such trust; I don’t know precisely myself, but it wasn’t by rushing to him every time he cried!

Psychologists claim that having too many children deprives each child of the “love and attention” they need. We disagree, rather what a child truly needs is family. As long as they are part of a functioning family unit, they receive what is essential for their development. Of course, if parents are so overwhelmed that they can’t structure their family, then the child is on a sinking ship! But the point here is that fundamentally, the psychologists’ perspective on this matter is flawed, and we disagree with their assessment of a child’s needs.

Adopted Children

I often observe that adopted children lack the proper experience of an “embedded” social womb. For instance, a family sought my advice about their adopted five-year-old with special needs, debating whether to send him to a religious school, which could not meet his educational needs, or a secular specialized school. When I advised them to choose the secular school as that is what the child needed to develop and progress, the father refused, saying “I have a present and a gift from Hashem in my arms, I need to take care of him b’kedusha (with holiness).” This is the wrong approach. While children are indeed blessings, our natural approach needs to be that the children are “part of our family” and they are living with the “natural force of life” which is continuing to grow by itself. This is the foundation they need in their early development. Overly concerned adoptive parents, or those impacted by loss or hardship, risk imposing and “forcing growth.” This comes from a faulty attitude that the child’s growth depends entirely on their input, rather than on a natural, positive family environment.

Family Structure

A family requires structure, with scheduled bedtime routines and designated feeding times. It is healthy for a child to occasionally be guided back into this structure when they attempt to deviate, as it supports their developmental need to be “embedded.” This can even apply in the first year of life, for example, if the parents know the baby has nursed enough, they can encourage feeding every three hours rather than giving in to an earlier demand. Different cultures, like in parts of Africa, may follow other structures—such as frequent feeding while carrying the baby 24/7—which are equally valid. The key is maintaining a consistent family structure that supports the child’s development within their environment.

For a child to develop within the family structure it needs to be a natural structure. Unfortunately, many who study psychology or human development can be quick to label children, often disrupting the normal dynamics of the family. Sometimes by thinking that there is a major problem with a child, it ruins the natural family structure. In many cases, what the child truly needs is simply more focused attention within the existing family structure.