Educating to Deal With Danger

07 educating to deal with danger

This shiur is being given in response to a tragedy that occurred in Borough Park, Brooklyn with a Jewish child who was kidnapped and murdered [1].

How self-esteem is made

The challenge for us parents is how to educate our children to navigate danger effectively. Right now, many parents in America are reacting to a recent tragedy with panic, but overprotectiveness is not the right response.

While there are real dangers in the streets that children must be prepared for, we must also recognize that a child’s self-esteem is built by pushing the limits of their abilities and discovering their own success. Indeed, a child who is overly pampered and only engages in activities with guaranteed success will develop low self-esteem. While being overprotective leads to an unhealthy dependence, and letting a child grow up in the street leads to their adaptability to engage any situation that can come up, it is still in poor judgement to allow our children to grow up in the street. We explained this in depth in an earlier discussion [2].

Educating to cross the street

Children must be made aware of dangers, but in a way that is appropriate for their developmental stage and level of maturity.

For example, when we teach a child to look both ways before crossing the street, they may follow the instruction but then bolt across as soon as they see no cars coming. This reaction reveals that the child is actually afraid. Bolting is a response to fear, and ironically, it is also the most dangerous behavior. A child needs a certain level of maturity to understand that cars are not actively trying to hit them and that it is far safer to walk calmly while staying aware of their surroundings, rather than to run recklessly across the street.

I have a friend who lives on a busy street. His neighbors allow their kids to cross at six or seven years old, but he doesn’t permit his own children to cross until they are at least nine—and even then, only while holding hands. He understands that six and seven years old is too young to cross the street alone in a healthy manner.

Many parents instruct their kids, “Don’t cross unless you ask an adult to help,” but then the adult simply looks both ways and tells the child, “Okay, you can go now.” In response, the child bolts across the street, still gripped by fear. This doesn’t foster real independence or maturity—it just teaches them to rely on someone else’s judgment while remaining petrified. The child is not gaining maturity with the independence the parents have given them to be able to cross the street “by themselves” after asking a grown up…rather they are going to get OCD from this experience! 

True maturity in crossing the street comes when a child, usually around eight or nine, develops the awareness and confidence to assess the situation calmly and walk across with control and self-assurance. Helping a child to navigate the street with steady composure—not fear—helps build their self esteem.

Another example of this type of educational opportunity is when an older child is given the responsibility of pushing a younger sibling in a stroller. The child must be mature enough to understand and follow safety instructions, such as, “If you run, you might fall, and the stroller could roll away and become a danger—so always walk.” By around six years old, a child can usually grasp this concept. By entrusting the child with this responsibility, the parents send the message, “I trust you to be careful and not do anything dangerous.” As children grow, we should gradually hand over more responsibilities—even in situations with some level of risk—so they develop confidence and the ability to handle challenges wisely. Again, these responsibilities must only be handed over to children who are developmentally ready to receive the instructions from a place of understanding.

How to deal with Stranger Danger

As children grow older, they begin going out on their own. When my daughter first took a public bus with a friend, we had to prepare her for what to do if she got lost. She still remembers the exact instructions we gave her, even now as a mother of six. 

The steps were clear:

1. First, look around for frum people and try to approach a woman.
2. If no woman is available, then approach a man.

She was mature enough to understand the reasoning behind these guidelines without treating them like a rigid or magical formula. She hadn’t thought of these precautions herself, but once we laid them out, she fully grasped their sense. This contrasts with younger children who are given instructions they are not yet mature enough to process—like being told to “look both ways before crossing,” but then we witness them bolting across the street. 

A clear sign that a child is not yet ready to go out alone is if they cannot even say their name when introduced to their father’s friend. The father may excuse it by saying, “My child is shy,” but in reality, the child simply hasn’t developed enough to understand and engage in basic social interactions. This child is not ready to go out alone into the world. Whatever rules of social engagement we tell him will be like “magic” to him and he will be unable to approach them from a healthy place, and any solo expeditions he is pushed into will be detrimental to him.

The child will test the parents

When we trust a child and give them freedom in a specific area, they will naturally test boundaries and ask for more and more independence.

My mother-in-law once told my wife who was then a young girl, who was begging to go downtown with her friends, “It’s better that the child should cry than the mother should cry.” This is a powerful and positive message that a mature child can understand. It teaches them that a parent’s restrictions are not about limiting their fun but about genuine concern for their safety.

Laying down the boundaries

When we allow children to test the boundaries of the independence we’ve given them, they feel our trust and will often share their experiences with us, including how they explore and push those limits. Limits are important, and it is essential that a child understands social, physical, and emotional boundaries. Only then can they experience their independence in a safe and responsible way.

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[1] Editor’s Note: On July 11, 2011, eight-year-old Leiby Kletzky, a Hasidic Jewish boy from Borough Park, Brooklyn, was kidnapped while walking home from day camp. His disappearance sparked a massive search involving the NYPD and thousands of Orthodox Jewish volunteers. Tragically, his dismembered body was found two days later in the apartment of Levi Aron. The incident deeply shocked the tight-knit Hasidic community who had considered their neighborhood totally safe for children.

[2] Editor’s Note: This was in this series on chinuch entitled: “05 – authority vs freedom”