Saying I am sorry

09 – Saying I am sorry

Everyone expects their children to say, “I’m sorry.” But we all know that when we pressure a child to say it, they say it mechanically, pretty much missing the point.

As an aside, for social interactions, it’s good to encourage children to say “please” and “thank you,” as long as it’s done gently and without excessive pressure. However, today we are focusing on the phrase “I am sorry” and the developmental opportunities therein.

The depth behind “I am sorry”

The goal behind teaching a child to say “I am sorry” is to help them understand that even when their own decisions seemed right to them, considering the other person’s perspective and experience reveals that their actions were actually wrong. If this is the underlying message we are trying to instill in them when we ask them to apologize, then we must guide them through this thought process step by step.

When we expect a child to apologize to their parents, we are asking them to recognize that their parents are independent individuals with their own needs and feelings. A major reason children struggle to say “I am sorry” to their parents is that they see their parents as existing solely to serve them, rather than as autonomous people with their own experiences. 

It is actually much easier to teach a child to say “I am sorry” to their peers because they have experienced both sides of social interactions and understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hurtful behavior. A child must first develop this skill with peers before they can genuinely say “I am sorry” to their parents.

As we said, a child needs a certain level of maturity to genuinely say “I am sorry” to their parents. This concept is beyond the understanding of a very young child and requires development before it can enter their frame of reference. Young children do not naturally grasp that their parents have personal lives, preferences, and goals. For example, if a small child accidentally breaks their father’s glasses, explaining that “they cost money” and demanding an apology forces them into shoes which they are not yet ready for. In peer interactions, it is easier for a child to understand the need to say “I am sorry” because they recognize that their friend has their own world, just like they do. This is why it’s important to explain to the child, “Look, you wouldn’t want this to happen to you.” When framed this way, the child can relate to the situation and acknowledge the other person’s feelings more naturally.

Selecting the right times to encourage an “I am sorry”

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a child must always say “I am sorry” after every fight with their peers. In general, when children argue, it’s best for parents not to intervene. However, once in a while, it can be helpful—for example, when a cousin visits and wants to play with our son’s toy, making our son even more possessive. In such cases, we can gently explain, “When you visit his home, you would also want him to share with you.” Then, encourage him by saying, “Let’s say ‘I am sorry’ together.” This helps the child understand that acknowledging someone else’s feelings and recognizing when they’ve caused hurt is a normal and healthy part of relationships.

In conclusion

Saying “I am sorry” is crucially needed in chinuch because it brings the child to the understanding that the other person has their own world.