The Core of the Home

04 – The Core of the Home

First ingredient: parents must be the center

The role of parents in a home is like the center of an LP record—they remain steady and unmoving while the children create the music around them. 

What is this central, stabilizing element that the home needs? It must be something the children can relate to. If parents try to make the central focus of the home shmiras halacha, it will not work. While shmiras halacha is a fundamental value and an ideal to strive for, children cannot connect to it as the core of their experience. Instead, the central focus must be something geshmak, because that is what resonates with a child’s world.

This is a common pitfall for baalei teshuva, whose children can often struggle to stay orthodox. The issue often stems from the parents failing to create a reality where Torah and Yiddishkeit feel more enjoyable and fulfilling than other activities. While the parents may emphasize Torah as important, emesdik, and essential, if their home does not convey that Yiddishkeit is geshmak, the children will naturally seek environments that feel more enjoyable to them.

A father needs to be able to have fun with his children and meet them at their level. This idea is illustrated by the story of the father who stipulated in his will that his son would only inherit his money once he became “a meshugenah.” It was explained that this meant the son would need to let the grandson ride on his back like a horse because that’s what the grandson needed at that stage. “Being a meshugenah” for your children means creating a geshmak environment tailored to their developmental stages.

As Rav Boruch Soloveitchik poignantly remarked: “It is not my children’s fault that they do not have a father who can play with them; I am old.” His words highlight the importance of children having a father who can play with them and engage with them on their level!

Potential catalysts which can dislodge the parents centrality

A common issue in religious homes arises when one child has a disability or behavioral challenges. Parents, out of fear of tantrums or disruptions, often adjust the family dynamic to revolve around that child—eating meals or altering schedules based on the child’s needs. This creates an unhealthy atmosphere, where the problem child becomes the center of the home instead of the parents. The parents must remain the central authority, even when navigating the challenges of a problem child. While this can be tricky, it is essential for a healthy family environment.

This dynamic of the parents being the center of the LP disk is absent in a one-child family, where the child cannot be pushed to the periphery because they are the sole focus of attention. Indeed modern Western culture often intentionally spaces children far apart, to allow each child to receive individual attention. However, as we keep explaining, this approach does not foster growth. A child grows by being part of a group, not by being the center of it. 

Indeed, sadly there was once an only child whose father treated him as a “friend.” This dynamic destroyed the son, as there was no central point of authority or a way for him to relate to the concept of a “family center.” Children need siblings to experience being part of a group and the social experience of the “building of a family.” As all these examples illustrate, a strong family requires a social structure with the parents firmly at its center. 

The father’s role in creating the geshmak environment

Parents grow with their family, adapting to their role as the family grows but with the centrality of the parents remaining constant. As we brought earlier from Rav Boruch Soloveitchik: “It is not my children’s fault that they do not have a father who can play with them; I am old.” Of note, he said this when some of his children were older and he himself was older: He was acknowledging the importance of being able to engage with children on their level, particularly when they are young. Fathers, in particular, need to make a concerted effort to relate to younger children, even when it is easier to connect with older ones. This doesn’t require a significant investment of time, but rather the quality of interaction is what matters. A father should be present as the central figure in the family, engaging with his children as needed. At a minimum, being home for the weekend is crucial; young children do not need their father to be home every night.

Mothers, however, are essential for daily involvement, particularly with younger children; this can be challenging in families with working mothers. As children grow older, the father becomes increasingly central, particularly from age 12 and up. Boys and girls at this stage need the presence of their father as a strong backbone.

A father does not need to learn Torah with his child every night in a chavrusa—far from it. Learning together on Shabbos is sufficient, and as the child grows older, around 13 or 14, the father might increase to learning 2-3 times a week, delving deeper into sugyos (specific Torah topics) with him. This provides the son with the backbone of seeing his father as a talmid chacham. 

Avos U’banim (Community organized weekly father-son learning events) is not a strict necessity either, but if it’s a widespread practice in the community, it might be important to participate so the child doesn’t feel left out.

It’s not healthy to pull a child away from playing ball with his friends or siblings to go learn with his father during the week. Such interruptions do not foster ahavas Torah! Additionally, it can be extra counterproductive if the father himself feels pulled away from work or other responsibilities to learn with his son.

On Shabbos, however, when the atmosphere is more relaxed, there’s space and time for this connection. Learning Torah together should feel like a joy and a treat for the child. This approach, for boys aged 7 and up, nurtures a positive relationship with Torah.

Second ingredient: our home must be a prepared environment

The second key ingredient to a successful home is that it must be a prepared environment for the children. This isn’t always simple because not everything in the home is for the children. However, we must be careful not to create a home that feels full of issurim (prohibitions).

This doesn’t mean we should go overboard, as is common in many American homes, where children are allowed to do whatever they want. But if there are items that should not be touched, they should simply be kept out of reach. For example, don’t buy an expensive vase for your wife and leave it on the floor, commanding the children to “not touch” it—this creates too many rules. 

I’m also not fond of the American idea of having a children’s playroom where the kids can do whatever they want, while the rest of the house feels off-limits. This results in a home that isn’t geshmak for the children – except for the designated room.

Certain spaces, like the parents’ bedroom or an office, are legitimate places to call as off-limits to children. For shared spaces like a living room, desks with important papers should have closed and/or locked drawers, and cabinets with untouchable items should be secured. While child safety locks on cabinets may not be the most aesthetically pleasing, they create a relaxed environment for children, where parents don’t have to constantly enforce rules and boundaries.

In short, a well-prepared home is one where children feel comfortable, and parents don’t have to micromanage their every move.