Home > Lessons > Education > Chinuch at a young age > Chinuch at a Young Age > Creating a Positive Atmosphere at Home
We must recognize the maylos (virtues) of our family because that is the environment our children find themselves embedded in. We must be aware of the negative effect our material possessions can have on the atmosphere of our home. And ultimately, we must know that the father having a responsibility which is “above the family” is actually healthy for the family.
03 – creating a positive atmosphere at home
The maylos of the family
A family once told me that their 8-week-old child fell off the carriage and tumbled down the steps. Miraculously, the baby was unharmed. The father approached me afterward and asked me if he should strengthen his commitment to Shmiras Shabbos?
While Shmiras Shabbos is incredibly important, I told him that this question misses the deeper message. Hashem put your family in danger, and through this event, He spoke to you. He is showing you that He wants there to be healthy life in your family.
What should be asked in this fathers situation is “What are the maylos (unique qualities) in your home? Is it love, obedience, truth, or something else? These are foundational qualities your family possesses. Hashem has placed children into your family to experience life within that environment. Have you considered why Hashem wants to give life to your family? What do you have to offer your children? Instead of simply focusing on external mitzvos, strengthen what makes your family unique. Work with your wife to identify and nurture the special qualities your family offers. This is the area Hashem wants you to focus on and grow in, for the sake of your children and your home.”
To get to the answers here we should not ask ourselves, “What challenges do I face in my new family?” Rather we should ask ourselves, “What maylos have I gained through my children? What have I learned about myself through them? How has each child brought a new mayla that allowed my family to improve and grow?”
Each child brings unique needs and requires us to respond differently. This adaptability is a basic ingredient in a Jewish home which translates into constant natural growth.
Indeed, the maylos of a family evolve over time. Often, in families with many children, the parenting style for the first child and the last can appear very different such as having more rules at the beginning and becoming more lenient by the end. People tend to say that the parents of these large families were highly motivated in the beginning but gave up in the end. But I say that perhaps it’s because the parents matured. They did not “give up” but rather they changed. Their focus shifted, their understanding deepened, and they grew. What they pass on as “life” to their children is no longer the same—it has developed and transformed, just as they have.
In summary, when we emphasize the importance of “the environment” in child-rearing—since a child naturally becomes embedded in it—we are primarily referring to the maylos that parents embody and express in their family life.
The message of material possessions
It’s not just about how we act; the material possessions in our homes also communicate a message.
For example, imagine a home with a beautiful mirror and intricate moldings prominently displayed at the entrance, while the special study for Torah learning is tucked away in the back somewhere. Contrast this with a home where the shtender and Torah books are front and center. These two setups convey entirely different priorities and values to those who live there.
Now consider this: you have a white couch, and on Friday night, your wife permits your toddler the chocolate wafer given to him as a gift by his uncle. The child, filled with happiness, enjoys the chocolate wafer and in his joy forgets the rule about not going on the couch with food and dirties the pristine white couch. This evokes many negative emotions for you:
You now need to harshly reprimand your toddler for neglecting the rule which you drill into him daily.
This entire scenario unfolded because you had a white couch. If you had a rainbow couch, this message wouldn’t have been given over at all! Your possessions are forcing you to send a message to your child—that the couch’s cleanliness is more important than the joy of Shabbos. This is the message the toddler receives because after all the toddler’s happiness in celebrating Shabbos was reduced to tears due to the dirtiness of the couch. No parent wants to pass on such a message, but their created environment forced their hand.
Structuring access to items and locations in the home
I firmly believe that giving children unrestricted access to everything is not good. There need to be boundaries—things that are off-limits. However, if you don’t want your children to touch something, the responsibility is on you to put it away.
I don’t believe in tempting children and expecting them to “overcome their yetzer hara.” If there’s something you don’t want your child to touch, hide it. For example, if you don’t want your child to take money, keep it out of sight. It’s a klal gadol: if you don’t want your kids to have access to something, ensure it’s not within their reach or view.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I once put a fancy recorder that I inherited from my father on a high shelf, thinking it was safely out of reach. However, I do let my children climb the bookshelves for fun. One day, my son climbed to the top of the bookshelf, lost his balance, and grabbed the recorder’s cord to steady himself. The recorder came crashing down and was destroyed.
Boruch Hashem I wasn’t home at the time because, in my frustration, I would have overreacted and hit him. He knew I had put it there specifically so he wouldn’t touch it, and yet it was destroyed at his hands. Fortunately, my wife was home, and she handled the situation calmly. She doesn’t place much value on such things, and she even prepped me beforehand so I could react appropriately. Thanks to her, all was well in the end.
When my grandchildren visit, they know that when I close the door to my office, they are not allowed to enter. This is a clear rule they understand and respect.
Sometimes, it’s better to simply tell your children, “This place is off-limits,” rather than tempting them by leaving things within reach and expecting them to hold back. Setting clear boundaries is often more effective and creates a healthier environment for everyone.
Having something higher than the family is healthy
We all have moments where we feel that perhaps being neglectful or even cruel toward our children would create the best chinuch environment for them. The Vilna Gaon, in Even Shlema, speaks of two types of giborim (mighty individuals): one who is kovesh es yitzro (overcomes their inclinations), and one who purifies their heart through bitachon, immersing themselves in Torah day and night without worrying about how to feed their children, like the raven. This idea of bitachon does not imply cruelty or abandonment of one’s children. Rather, it teaches that maintaining a level of life and focus that rises above the immediate family situation offers something deeply valuable to the home: direction from external input.
You can see this dynamic from my own life. When it wasn’t a case of pikuach nefesh, I would always prioritize my learning sessions with the Mashgiach. My family understood that there was something greater—a higher authority and guidance from the Mashgiach—that shaped our lives.
It’s actually very healthy for children to grow up realizing that there are things more important than themselves in the home. Occasionally saying to a child, “I don’t have time for you right now,” sends an important message. A child should grow up with the understanding that life is not solely about satisfying the individual gashmius needs of every family member.
In the working world, people often approach their jobs as an absolute must and that creates this understanding that there is something “greater” going on than the immediate needs of the family. Among kollel men, you sometimes see a similar attitude toward receiving the $50 for attending seder punctually each day. I disapprove of these strict kollel’s because I think kollel men need the flexibility to occasionally step away to take care of responsibilities at home or address other necessary matters.
As we can now see, this approach is not about neglecting the kids; rather, it’s about creating an atmosphere in the home that conveys a sense of direction and purpose. Unfortunately, in many families today, this kind of clear direction is missing. Indeed, we sometimes notice that children of working parents display more dedication to their work, projects, and endeavors because they grew up in an environment where this was part of the avirah (atmosphere) of the home. In contrast, many kollel families today struggle with generating this type of environment in a strong way, which can create confusion for the children.
This lack of direction in our community is reflected in the priorities people set when making life decisions. For instance, when families move to a new place, the main question often asked is, “What’s the best school for the kids?” This overlooks a crucial truth which is in line with the topic we are discussing today: if the father is productive, has a good job or is deeply involved in learning, and is generally happy, that alone provides 60% of the direction the children need!
People worry and say, “But the school is coed!” My response is, “Do you know that Rav Baruch Soloveitchik attended a coed school?” The real question is, “What’s going on in the home?” That is where the focus needs to be—not just on the school but on the environment and values being modeled in the family.
For younger children, there is no distinction between kollel and parnassah; they simply see that “daddy has to go.” Whether it’s to kollel or work, the message is the same. As children grow older, they may begin to differentiate, but even then, seeing a baal habayis father who sets aside unbudgeable time to learn each day can provide this solid external direction.
This is a basic and vital ingredient in a healthy home environment.