The child’s developmental stages

01-The child’s developmental stages

Chinuch always involves providing input to a child that aligns with their developmental stage. Let us now examine the various stages of a child’s development and their implications for effective chinuch.

The 7 Developmental Stages

In the Midrash Rabbah on Koheles (1:3) Chazal say:

רַבִּי שְׁמוּאֵל בַּר רַב יִצְחָק מַתְנֵי לָהּ בְּשֵׁם רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן אֶלְעָזָר, שִׁבְעָה הֲבָלִים שֶׁאָמַר קֹהֶלֶת כְּנֶגֶד שִׁבְעָה עוֹלָמוֹת שֶׁאָדָם רוֹאֶה, בֶּן שָׁנָה דּוֹמֶה לְמֶלֶךְ נָתוּן בְּאִיסְפְּקַרְפַּסְטִי וְהַכֹּל מְחַבְּקִין וּמְנַשְּׁקִין אוֹתוֹ, בֶּן שְׁתַּיִם וְשָׁלשׁ דּוֹמֶה לַחֲזִיר שֶׁפּוֹשֵׁט יָדָיו בְּבִיבִין. בֶּן עֶשֶׂר שָׁנָה קוֹפֵץ כִּגְדִי. בֶּן עֶשְׂרִים כְּסוּס נָהֵים מְשַׁפַּר גַּרְמֵיהּ וּבָעֵי אִתְּתָא. נָשָׂא אִשָּׁה הֲרֵי הוּא כַּחֲמוֹר. הוֹלִיד בָּנִים מֵעֵז פָּנָיו כְּכֶלֶב לְהָבִיא לֶחֶם [נסח אחר: להם] וּמְזוֹנוֹת. הִזְקִין, הֲרֵי הוּא כְּקוֹף. הֲדָא דְּתֵימַר בְּעַמֵּי הָאָרֶץ, אֲבָל בִּבְנֵי תוֹרָה כְּתִיב (מלכים א, א): וְהַמֶּלֶךְ דָּוִד זָקֵן, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהוּא זָקֵן, מֶלֶךְ.

Rabbi Shmuel bar Rav Yitzḥak taught it in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar: The seven vanities [havalim] that Kohelet mentioned correspond to the seven worlds that a person sees. A one-year-old is like a king who is on a canopied litter and everyone is hugging and kissing him. A two- or three-year-old is like a pig that extends its hands into the sewers. A ten-year-old jumps like a goat. A twenty-year-old whinnies like a horse, beautifies himself and seeks a wife. When he marries a wife he is like a donkey. When he begets children, he is as audacious as a dog to bring [home] bread and food. When he grows old, he is like a monkey. That is stated regarding the common people; however, regarding Torah personalities, it is written: “King David was old” – even though he was old, he was a king.

Chazal never simply describe what is happening to a person; rather, they reveal the essence of the situation. When Chazal teach that a child from age 0–1 is “a king whom all rush to hug and kiss,” they are not merely recounting what occurs to the child during this stage. Instead, they are exposing the fundamental nature of this developmental phase: the stage of “a king whom all rush to hug and kiss.”

Baby Stage

“בֶּן שָׁנָה דּוֹמֶה לְמֶלֶךְ נָתוּן בְּאִיסְפְּקַרְפַּסְטִי וְהַכֹּל מְחַבְּקִין וּמְנַשְּׁקִין אוֹתוֹ”

A one-year-old is like a king who is on a canopied litter and everyone is “hugging and kissing him”

This concept is the fundamental nature of the first year of development. Let us take a closer look at it. Clearly, the “love” shown to a baby in this stage is not the type of love we typically think of. After all, do we hug and kiss kings? Of course not!

Rather, the comparison to a king means that the child is embedded in their surroundings. This is the essence of what a king represents: being “embedded in their environment.” They are  an integral part of a greater reality while also influencing it. Similarly, the baby is embedded in their environment, forming the foundation of their growth and development. 

This concept aligns with a fundamental principle in developmental psychology. Rav Shlomo Wolbe was very taken by a foundational idea introduced by Portmann, a renowned Swiss zoologist. Portmann conducted comparative morphological studies and demonstrated that a human baby is not truly “out of the womb” until they are one year old.

Unlike animals, which are born and immediately begin walking and functioning independently, humans—despite being the “higher animal”—are born in the least developed state. This is because humans require a foundation for social and emotional development. That need extends the “womb” stage beyond birth to the first year of life where the nurturing social and emotional environment act as “the womb.” At one year old, when the child begins to walk, this womb finishes and a new developmental stage begins to emerge. This is what Chazal are telling us: that the developmental stage of 0-1 years old is the “social womb.” 

The idea is clear, and so is the responsibility for us as parents. We must recognize that a baby is not a miniature adult but is at a specific stage of development. Therefore, when young mothers bring their babies to loud and chaotic weddings, they are making a serious mistake. Exposing a baby to overwhelming noise, such as placing them near loudspeakers, can cause significant harm. It is akin to a pregnant woman going bungee jumping—we would never do that to a fetus, and we must similarly be careful not to overwhelm the social/emotional experience of the baby. The baby needs a positive, embedded experience within their environment to develop healthily.

At the same time, this understanding also clarifies what we don’t need to worry about. Parents don’t need to give a baby their undivided attention or try to discern the baby’s unique personality at this stage. Instead, the focus should be on embedding the baby within the family structure.

We must also recognize that this concept of being embedded serves as a foundational backbone for a person’s entire life. The Midrash Rabba brought above, concludes with the teaching that a talmid chacham is also likened to a king—embedded in their environment, though from a different perspective. This reveals that in the background of the seven stages of development, the first stage of embedding continues to influence a person throughout their life, particularly for a talmid chacham. In fact, we could say that embedding is the backbone of chinuch. Often, it is not necessary to treat the child as an isolated individual but rather as embedded. Indeed, an embedded environment helps a baby internalize the critical lesson that their parents are there even when he does not see them. [1]

 

Toddler stage (and up)

“בֶּן שְׁתַּיִם וְשָׁלשׁ דּוֹמֶה לַחֲזִיר שֶׁפּוֹשֵׁט יָדָיו בְּבִיבִין.”

“A two- or three-year-old is like a pig that extends its hands into the sewers.”

We must understand that a toddler’s developmental stage is characterized by exploration and engagement with the environment in a messy  and dirty way without any productive end goal. This is simply their nature at this stage of development!

Recognizing this is essential because attempting to toilet train a toddler too early can lead to significant negative consequences. Similarly, if there are items we don’t want damaged, it is our responsibility to keep them out of the toddler’s reach. We cannot expect a toddler to exercise responsibility or refrain from causing damage; because this is the developmental stage of the toddler! The toddler is literally at the stage of life where they are doing non-constructive irresponsible things.

Years 9 – 20 stage

“בֶּן עֶשֶׂר שָׁנָה קוֹפֵץ כִּגְדִי”

“A ten-year-old jumps like a goat.”

This developmental plane which Chazal call “jumping like a goat” means that the children are flexing their kochos (inner strengths). They are testing boundaries, pushing limits, and attempting things beyond their current abilities. This is a vital and natural stage of development! For example, consider a child who plays with a shtender edge piece stuck together with glue, ultimately ripping it apart. Did they not realize it would be destroyed in the process? Of course, they did. But their agenda wasn’t destruction—it was testing the object’s strength against their own, experimenting with its limits and their own, and learning through hands-on experience.

This very trait—the drive to test, push, and challenge—is precisely the attribute needed later in life to “break a Tosafos.”

Personal example of the ten year old stage of development:

My child played the “five stones” game thousands of times [2], all in an effort to be the best in his class. Even though I wanted him to be learning, I allowed him to continue because I understood he was developing his koach to persist and grind at something. Now, as an adult, he applies this same perseverance and determination to his Torah learning.

Marriage

 “בֶּן עֶשְׂרִים כְּסוּס נָהֵים מְשַׁפַּר גַּרְמֵיהּ וּבָעֵי אִתְּתָא”

“A twenty-year-old whinnies like a horse, beautifies himself and seeks a wife.”

Marriage comes at age 20 because, at this stage, an individual gains the maturity necessary to include and relate to another person who thinks and lives differently.

 

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[1] Editor’s Note: this principle will be discussed in greater detail in the next shiur entitled “02-first year 1”

[2] Editor’s Note: this is a child’s game using five stones. Comparable to a game of jacks in America.