We must speak to the developmental stage of our child. We must know that our positive influence as parents is exponentially stronger than that of the street and that living in a charedi society can work to our advantage.
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We must speak to the developmental stage of our child. We must know that our positive influence as parents is exponentially stronger than that of the street and that living in a charedi society can work to our advantage.
05 – authority vs freedom
Our authority must serve as a central pillar in our child’s life. To achieve this, we must first understand the developmental stage our child is currently in.
A central authority – but with the developmental stage of the child
We must ensure that our authority aligns with where the child is developmentally. It’s ineffective for a father to engage his son in Torah learning by focusing on deep intellectual questions if the son, at his stage, isn’t excited by such things. While the son should be positively influenced by the father’s enthusiasm for learning, the father must approach in a way that resonates with the child. This requires understanding and speaking to the child at their level.
To achieve this, it’s essential to have a general understanding of the developmental stages of children. The Mashgiach strongly emphasized learning about these stages. Not necessarily in the way psychologists frame them, but secular resources can provide valuable insight into child development. Swiss psychologist Piaget is a solid secular resource in this area. With his stages it is delineated when a child depends more on their parents, when they begin to develop socially with peers, etc.
It’s also important to recognize that children develop at their own pace. A child may not align perfectly with the developmental milestones of their age, and that’s okay—children are not robots.
Balancing authority and freedom
Along with aligning with the child’s developmental stage, the child needs our authority.
Why don’t we just let our kids grow up on the street? After all, it would develop a sharp, street-smart, capable leader! The street builds character, teaching adaptability and resilience for any future situation. The child would be very developed within his stage of development.
But that’s not education. A child raised solely by the street becomes an animal! Education means the sechel (intellect) rules the man. The street can make a child “street-smart” but it does not teach the child that the sechel needs to come first before everything else. Street smart children can adapt to every situation, but they have no education, meaning principles, standards, and a sense of mitzuveh v’oseh (a commanded framework)—they lack the grounding to say, “We don’t do this in our home.”
To properly educate our children at a young age we must balance authority with sensitivity to their developmental stage.
Living in Charedi Society
If we live in Kansas, it’s essential to use our authority to establish halachah in the home. In such an environment, where external influences do not naturally support a charedi lifestyle, the home becomes the primary source of religious guidance and structure.
However, in a charedi society, the environment itself—through peer pressure, the chinuch system, and societal norms—plays a significant role in shaping our child’s identity. In this setting, the community naturally produces charedim, allowing parents to be more relaxed and flexible at home.
This highlights a unique mayla (advantage) of living in a charedi society: the confidence that the child will grow up immersed in and influenced by the values of the community, provides parents with a certain freedom, knowing that the external environment will reinforce the desired path.
Personal example of making use of charedi society in parenting
I made good use of this “freedom,” which was especially important for me since my authoritative presence comes across too strong for children. Living in a charedi society allowed me to avoid placing pressure on my children to become charedi. I could rely on the community and its influence to guide them in that direction. Interestingly, most of my children are outwardly more charedi than I am.
Personal stories of chinuch regarding challenging neighbors
Openness in my home was a fundamental principle. By this, I mean maintaining a general awareness of where the kids were and what they were doing. This openness, in itself, is also a form of parental authority—where the children report to the parents where they were and what they did when they went out.
Neighbors who have different standards is a challenge which every family has but this openness in my family was very helpful in dealing with it:
Movies and T.V.
Just to illustrate how I also had these challenges with my own children in a charedi community I will share with you that I had a daughter whose best friend came from a very charedi family who secretly watched movies! How was I to respond to this? This is a really tricky situation.
I had a son who was not fit for an intense yeshiva environment. Where he ended up learning, he had friends who gave him films to bring home and watch. It was a tricky situation, but I chose to handle it by sitting with him for a short while to watch a piece of the film together, connecting, and sharing some laughs. This helped him feel accepted and loved in our home. Combined with the influence of the charedi environment he grew up in, this approach of mine which let him know he was accepted in the home, allowed him to develop naturally to become charedi.
We had a rule in our home: if a neighbor had a television, our children could play with their kids but were not allowed to go inside their house. This rule worked well because our children were generally open about where they went and what they did. If they ever watched something, it was under my wife’s supervision, ensuring she knew exactly what was being watched.
This approach also worked well because our kids mostly played with the neighbors’ children outside in the street. If we noticed that one of our children was consistently at a specific neighbor’s house it was a signal that something was being watched there. In such cases, we knew enough to investigate and address the situation, which would include restricting visits to that home and providing a compensatory experience at home to create a more positive alternative.
Video games
Video games are a very difficult challenge in the modern day, I used to be OK with them and allow them in my home. We had simple games with just two colors on the screen, and they were clearly meant for kids. Adults didn’t engage with them, it was understood that a person would get bored and eventually outgrow them—Pong, for example. But now, it’s completely different. Adults play video games for hours on end, and it’s become a dangerous trend with a whole social structure built around the games. It’s much more consuming and impactful than it ever was before.
The influence of the streets
We must recognize that the influence we have in the home is 100 times stronger than that of the street. If a child has a strong connection at home, the values they receive there will inherently outweigh those of the street. However, if the atmosphere at home is negative, the child will find more joy and influence in what the street offers. People often say, ‘The street ruined my child,’ but in reality, the foundation for that influence began at home.
With this in mind, our children can play outside with others who may use inappropriate language or be less religious. However, if we, as parents, use foul language even once, they will take notice and think, ‘Oh, you do that too!’ In short, the positive home serves as an anchor for the child when the outside environment is less religious.
05 – authority vs freedom
Our authority must serve as a central pillar in our child’s life. To achieve this, we must first understand the developmental stage our child is currently in.
A central authority – but with the developmental stage of the child
We must ensure that our authority aligns with where the child is developmentally. It’s ineffective for a father to engage his son in Torah learning by focusing on deep intellectual questions if the son, at his stage, isn’t excited by such things. While the son should be positively influenced by the father’s enthusiasm for learning, the father must approach in a way that resonates with the child. This requires understanding and speaking to the child at their level.
To achieve this, it’s essential to have a general understanding of the developmental stages of children. The Mashgiach strongly emphasized learning about these stages. Not necessarily in the way psychologists frame them, but secular resources can provide valuable insight into child development. Swiss psychologist Piaget is a solid secular resource in this area. With his stages it is delineated when a child depends more on their parents, when they begin to develop socially with peers, etc.
It’s also important to recognize that children develop at their own pace. A child may not align perfectly with the developmental milestones of their age, and that’s okay—children are not robots.
Balancing authority and freedom
Along with aligning with the child’s developmental stage, the child needs our authority.
Why don’t we just let our kids grow up on the street? After all, it would develop a sharp, street-smart, capable leader! The street builds character, teaching adaptability and resilience for any future situation. The child would be very developed within his stage of development.
But that’s not education. A child raised solely by the street becomes an animal! Education means the sechel (intellect) rules the man. The street can make a child “street-smart” but it does not teach the child that the sechel needs to come first before everything else. Street smart children can adapt to every situation, but they have no education, meaning principles, standards, and a sense of mitzuveh v’oseh (a commanded framework)—they lack the grounding to say, “We don’t do this in our home.”
To properly educate our children at a young age we must balance authority with sensitivity to their developmental stage.
Living in Charedi Society
If we live in Kansas, it’s essential to use our authority to establish halachah in the home. In such an environment, where external influences do not naturally support a charedi lifestyle, the home becomes the primary source of religious guidance and structure.
However, in a charedi society, the environment itself—through peer pressure, the chinuch system, and societal norms—plays a significant role in shaping our child’s identity. In this setting, the community naturally produces charedim, allowing parents to be more relaxed and flexible at home.
This highlights a unique mayla (advantage) of living in a charedi society: the confidence that the child will grow up immersed in and influenced by the values of the community, provides parents with a certain freedom, knowing that the external environment will reinforce the desired path.
Personal example of making use of charedi society in parenting
I made good use of this “freedom,” which was especially important for me since my authoritative presence comes across too strong for children. Living in a charedi society allowed me to avoid placing pressure on my children to become charedi. I could rely on the community and its influence to guide them in that direction. Interestingly, most of my children are outwardly more charedi than I am.
Personal stories of chinuch regarding challenging neighbors
Openness in my home was a fundamental principle. By this, I mean maintaining a general awareness of where the kids were and what they were doing. This openness, in itself, is also a form of parental authority—where the children report to the parents where they were and what they did when they went out.
Neighbors who have different standards is a challenge which every family has but this openness in my family was very helpful in dealing with it:
Movies and T.V.
Just to illustrate how I also had these challenges with my own children in a charedi community I will share with you that I had a daughter whose best friend came from a very charedi family who secretly watched movies! How was I to respond to this? This is a really tricky situation.
I had a son who was not fit for an intense yeshiva environment. Where he ended up learning, he had friends who gave him films to bring home and watch. It was a tricky situation, but I chose to handle it by sitting with him for a short while to watch a piece of the film together, connecting, and sharing some laughs. This helped him feel accepted and loved in our home. Combined with the influence of the charedi environment he grew up in, this approach of mine which let him know he was accepted in the home, allowed him to develop naturally to become charedi.
We had a rule in our home: if a neighbor had a television, our children could play with their kids but were not allowed to go inside their house. This rule worked well because our children were generally open about where they went and what they did. If they ever watched something, it was under my wife’s supervision, ensuring she knew exactly what was being watched.
This approach also worked well because our kids mostly played with the neighbors’ children outside in the street. If we noticed that one of our children was consistently at a specific neighbor’s house it was a signal that something was being watched there. In such cases, we knew enough to investigate and address the situation, which would include restricting visits to that home and providing a compensatory experience at home to create a more positive alternative.
Video games
Video games are a very difficult challenge in the modern day, I used to be OK with them and allow them in my home. We had simple games with just two colors on the screen, and they were clearly meant for kids. Adults didn’t engage with them, it was understood that a person would get bored and eventually outgrow them—Pong, for example. But now, it’s completely different. Adults play video games for hours on end, and it’s become a dangerous trend with a whole social structure built around the games. It’s much more consuming and impactful than it ever was before.
The influence of the streets
We must recognize that the influence we have in the home is 100 times stronger than that of the street. If a child has a strong connection at home, the values they receive there will inherently outweigh those of the street. However, if the atmosphere at home is negative, the child will find more joy and influence in what the street offers. People often say, ‘The street ruined my child,’ but in reality, the foundation for that influence began at home.
With this in mind, our children can play outside with others who may use inappropriate language or be less religious. However, if we, as parents, use foul language even once, they will take notice and think, ‘Oh, you do that too!’ In short, the positive home serves as an anchor for the child when the outside environment is less religious.