School vs. Home

06 – School vs. Home

Let us continue exploring how to create a supportive framework for growth within the family.

Giving over the message properly

First and foremost, we need to understand that the values we give over to our children are received through their lenses. Directly trying to instill a principle, even if it is correct, often ends up conveying the wrong message.

Personal example of giving over the wrong message

When the Mashgiach, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, sent me to live in Haifa, I was taken aback. There was a student of the Alter of Kelm living there whom we both knew, who knew chinuch and yet all his children went off the derech! I asked the Mashgiach how he could send me to Haifa, knowing the track record. The Mashgiach replied that the problem was this person tried to “import Kelm to Haifa,” and that’s why he failed. He assured me that since I wouldn’t try to do the same, I would succeed.

An example of how importing Kelm to Haifa would backfire would be if one wanted to imitate the Alter of Kelm’s chinuch strategy when he once saw a bochur eating porridge with too much excitement. The Alter of Kelm said to him, “If you eat like that, I’ll give you such a shmooze (lecture) on tayvas achila (base desire for food) that all food will be tasteless to you for the rest of your life!” That worked in Kelm, but if we did the same in Haifa, it would send the wrong message. The child would hear “Get out of my house; I don’t want you here!”

Training vs giving over a message

So if we understand that the focal point in chinuch through the authority of the parents is “the message”. Then we need to ask ourselves: “How often does the message need to be conveyed for it to truly stick?”

When we’re discussing behavioral training with a child, it needs to occur at least twice a day because it requires consistent reinforcement. However, if we’re focusing on giving over a message, once or twice a week is enough. The purpose being not to train but to convey a meaningful message that resonates.

For example, training a child to learn Torah is something that must happen daily. But giving over a powerful message can sometimes happen just once in a lifetime. A single event or experience from their childhood can stick with them forever.

In this sense, the term “message” can often be translated as “story.” The real question becomes: What “story” is the child picking up on from their experiences in the home?

The role of the school in chinuch

The home does not necessarily need to be the training ground for learning—that can be the role of the school. When choosing a school, the focus should be on its ability to provide proper training, not necessarily on the message it conveys. There may be times when the teacher’s messaging is difficult or even negative for the child, but the child will make it through to the next grade to a new teacher, where that will change for the better. 

Unfortunately, in today’s world, people sometimes flip this approach, expecting schools to focus on teaching middos and messaging while relying on the home for training. Of course parents must be careful that disastrous messages from immature teachers don’t destroy a child. This is particularly critical for children without a strong and positive home environment.

The danger of mixed messages

Many parents are wary about the dangers of mixed messages to their children. The real danger of mixed messages lies not in the school and home being different but in undefined and conflicting messaging between parents themselves. This can disorient and confuse their children.

That said, it is also important not to send a child to a school that clearly contradicts the values of the home. For example, a baal teshuva may want to send their child to an elite religious school, but if the mother still struggles with speech, dress, or values that clash with the school’s principles, this disconnect between home and school could create significant issues for the child.

Learning with the children – a personal example

Personally, my approach to learning with my children was not through helping them with homework or parsha sheets. This past Shabbos, I had my grandchildren ages 5 through 8 over, and I wanted to engage everyone. So, I found a fun and meaningful topic to bring up: “What would you do if everything you wanted immediately happened?” Everyone had a chance to share a thought and even the younger kids understood by the end of it that such a power actually might not be a good thing! I then said that this was Bilaam! He had whatever he desired come to pass immediately, and was a huge baal tayva (driven by desires)!

Hashgacha Elyona

When I approach a family, unless they are insane, I approach with a firm belief in the hashgacha elyona (divine arrangement) of these specific parents for these specific kids.

Every parent brings their own unique messages and values to the table. If those messages are completely incompatible—what I would call “insanity at home,” such as when one parent is extremely demanding while the other is overly lenient—it can create a confusing and harmful environment for the child, leading to mental health problems requiring therapeutic interventions.

In healthy families, however, there must be empathy and mutual respect between the two unique messages brought to the table. It’s important that each parent’s message and approach is recognized as meaningful and valid, even if they differ. Children naturally absorb the distinct messages from both parents when each naturally expresses their values. If the parents express their character traits in a healthy way, as opposed to a “my way or the highway!” attitude then there will be true shalom bayis (marital harmony)!

Living with the “other”

This means the wife has a central point which is different from the husband’s. It means “two people, two opinions.” Harmony comes when both parents remain central in the family while allowing their differences to coexist. A wife’s approach may not align with the husband’s, but it’s crucial for him to acknowledge that her way is valid and livable—after all, she has successfully navigated life with her perspective for decades! This is an essential aspect of shalom bayis to work on.

For this reason, we prioritize making a shidduch between two people who share the same religious wavelength. In the religious world, there is the real notion that one simply cannot coexist with a fundamentally different approach. For example, if one spouse is strict about muktzeh while the other is not, it can cause significant tension in the home. This discord makes it difficult for children to navigate and hold a strong connection to both parents.

With this being said, the vast majority of opinions in our lives can accommodate another valid perspective. For example, a husband might prioritize learning Torah above all, while his wife also values Torah learning but believes child’s play or finishing one’s food before learning is equally important. This does not diminish the importance of Torah learning. If the mother insists that the children finish their food before joining the father to learn, it doesn’t create any zilzul (disrespect) toward Torah. Instead, two different yet valid messages are given over. There’s a difference of opinion, but no one’s approach is condemned.

If the husband views his wife’s insistence as a travesty to the value of Torah, it creates an unnecessary conflict for the child. We must remember that what is being conveyed at home is not training; it is the message we give our children. With this in mind, it would be problematic if the wife insisted the child finish their food before going to school, causing them to be late, because school is about training, not messaging.

The reason we have schools today is because training at home conveys an approach and relationship to the children from the parents which is overly authoritative—‘You must do what I say!’