Working on Your Middos Through the Other – Remark about Current Situation

We know that the only way to perfect our midos is to pursue the so-called “golden mean,” the middle path promoted by the Rambam. We should not be a spendthrift, but also not stingy; not easily enraged, but not indifferent. The Rambam explains that for each mida, we have a natural tendency towards one side of the spectrum. In order to achieve the perfect balance, we need first to go to the other extreme, training ourselves to operate in the opposite direction. We can then maintain a balance in our midos by always remaining in control, activating the mida on either extreme, at will.

What does it mean to use two opposite midos? This is usually understood as switching back and forth between the two midos, depending on the particular needs of each individual occasion. This leads to all sorts of difficulties in deciding how to apply each mida in the proper proportion.  However, R’ Yisroel gives another framework for this avoda. He explains that a person might try to strengthen a certain positive trait, such as anava. Thus, he avoids anything that would bring him honor, preferring to stay out of the limelight. Nevertheless, he is faced with a dilemma. He cannot escape being involved with kavod, because he has an obligation to honor his fellow Yid. One might think that he could show him honor by simply going through the motions, while inwardly scoffing at the silliness of the entire performance. This is not how we honor another person. To truly make someone else feel good, we need to relate to their experience. This is where we go to the other extreme, and activate the opposite mida. Yes, for our own avoda, we eschew anything resembling kavod. On the other hand, when it comes to honoring another person, we must throw ourselves into the endeavor wholeheartedly, planning for maximum effect.

Similarly, we might want to work on controlling our self-gratification, and minimizing our pursuit of physical pleasures. Let us say we reach the level where sumptuous delicacies do not tempt us any more than the simplest of foods. Yet, when we host someone else for a meal, we should go out of our way to serve them the most delicious food. Again, it is not enough to go through the motions. We need to activate our interest, appreciating the indulgence, to enable ourselves to cater to him properly.

I knew a yungerman who regularly invited bachurim over for a Shabbos seuda. When he saw that the boys were overly enthused about the food, he gave a prearranged signal to his wife, and she would not serve dessert. He sincerely worried for their ruchniyus, and he did not want to play a part in fostering their tayvos, but he did not realize that he was harming his own ruchniyus in the process.

So far, we only spoke about our kochos hanefesh, our various midos, but this idea extends even further. When we develop an approach to life, a specific way of doing things, we are usually convinced that we have discovered the ‘correct’ path. We then come up with any number of rational arguments supporting our position and demonstrating the fallacy of approaching the matter differently.  However, it is important to recognize that we are not automatons, acting solely based on logical considerations. Our viewpoint is heavily influenced by our midos. This does not mean we should try to rid ourselves of these elements. They might be positive traits, as we described earlier. But we do need to bear in mind that they color our perspective and help guide our decisions.

Here we have discovered the key we have been searching for these past few weeks. We learned from Hillel that we need to stand on two feet, to deal with another person’s perspective; to focus on his opinion, his preferences. We need to be ready, genuinely, to work on his terms, even when we think differently. Here we reached an impasse. How are we meant to do this, if we are convinced that his approach is wrong?

We have now arrived at the solution. We must realize that our own, supposedly intellectual position, is rooted in our midos – and the other person’s approach is based on his midos! When we work on balancing our own character traits, the way we described earlier, we give credence to other midos, as well. And where do we apply our understanding of the opposite mida? In our relation to other people. ‘Standing on one foot’ means focusing only on our own work, on the important mida that we are engaged with. Hillel taught us how important this is, one should ‘learn the Torah on one foot’, he should develop a mida that can carry him throughout his Torah journey. However, there is another side to it. To stand on two feet, we must realize there is the opposite mida, as well, and we need to connect to both sides. If you develop this dual sensitivity, you will appreciate that the other person has different emotions, different midos than you, which are the basis of his different approach. Since you can access and use those midos, too, you can accept and work on his terms.

This does not mean we need to get involved in midos that are wrong for us, to actively pursue gashmiyus, for example. Our own perspective remains our focal point, and we do not lose our madreiga. Yet, the other person is enthusiastic about food, so we need to allow his perspective to take center stage, and to allow ourselves to feel his excitement.  

The perfect place to work on relating to another’s midos is when we spend time with our children. We tend to take our roles as our children’s educator very seriously. Yes, we do a wonderful job providing them with all the necessary information and guidance, but how do we relate to their feelings, to their emotions? Imagine your child is playing with a piece of wood, pretending it is a ship. Now you decide playtime is over, and abruptly take the wood away from him. This, says R’ Yisroel, is the equivalent of sinking a friend’s expensive yacht. True, it is only a silly block of wood, with no intrinsic value. But we must consider the child’s perspective. Of course, we need to educate them, to share our views and values with them, but at the same time, we must try to enter his emotional world, to understand him, to appreciate and relate to his feelings.

A word of caution is in order. This work can be implemented in all our relationships, whether with a family member, acquaintance, or business associate.  There is always a need to see and appreciate the other’s perspective. However, as we explained last week, this ability can be abused easily, by using your keener understanding of the other person to manipulate him for your own benefit. This should be an exercise in bein adam l’chaveiro, in the task of ye’hei da’ato shel adam me’urev im habrios. This is how we truly relate to others, living together with real shalom.