Chinuch – Always at the Beginning – Seeing as New

The פסוק says חנוך לנער על פי דרכו גם כי יזקין לא יסור ממנו. One should educate a child “according to his way,” so that even when he matures, he will not stray from it.

The simple understanding is that if we educate a child properly, he will remain educated, and he will not stray from the matter to which we educated him, even when he grows older and is no longer under our tutelage. 

However, the Alter of Kelm explained the פסוק differently. If a child is educated properly, he will not stray from the way of chinuch.

In other words, we are not meant to only engage in the task of chinuch. It is not only a means towards an end, of enforcing external cooperation and achieving some extrinsic accomplishment. Rather, chinuch is meant to be a way of life.

רש”י gives us an oft-quoted definition of חינוך. He writes that chinuch refers to the process whereby a utensil, or a person, is prepared for its eventual task. The salient point is that chinuch is fundamentally linked to the idea of a beginning. As a practical matter, we understand that chinuch is necessary at the beginning. R’ Wolbe ztz”l stressed how this requires precise timing. We don’t want to miss this crucial starting point, but we also need to avoid launching any chinuch endeavor before the child is ready. To accomplish this, we need to bear in mind the developmental stages of the child.

However, the idea here runs much deeper. The basic concept of a beginning is that we are starting something new, and matters are unknown. We do not yet know how things will unfold; we do not yet have a clear grasp of all the components we are dealing with. 

We must therefore conclude: Chinuch, whether of ourselves or of others, is only possible when one stands at the beginning. A veteran mechanech, for example, might grapple with a distinct disadvantage. After all, he truly  understands children! Due to his experience, he comes to believe that he has seen it all, he understands the matter at hand very well. Similarly, every person believes they know themselves well. They are intimately  familiar with their own strengths, their weaknesses, and it is now merely a question of fortitude and grit, of overcoming obstacles and pushing through an agenda. 

That is not chinuch. Rather, we must be ready to be constantly surprised. We must be ready to discover previously unknown aspects of our own persona, different facets of our children’s personalities, and new understandings of the tasks we are occupied with. Every person has so much more depth than what meets the eye superficially, every topic can be grasped and implemented in novel ways.

The Mesilas Yesharim writes that the truth is usually self-evident to most people. Nevertheless, he advises us to constantly review the same concepts, because it is only through “חזרה והתמדה” that we can effect real change. This is not a matter of Pavlovian conditioning. Rather, we recognize that one does not affect real change in their middos through attaining new, rational ideas. Therefore, when contemplating a concept that is familiar to us, we are not seeking to discover any wildly new or novel ideas. We review the same concepts, again and again, to constantly view them through a fresh lens, through the prism of our current life circumstances. We should be discovering subtle nuances, as the very same ideas always have something original to teach us, and can be understood from a new angle.

In this way, we always view ourselves as “standing at the beginning.” Of course, this does not mean that we have not achieved anything, or an indictment of our previous lack of understanding. Certainly, we might have understood the topic very well, and we still consider ourselves at the beginning. This reflects an attitude, an approach to our personal development. I always approach matters as new. I try not to be bogged down with preconceived notions. My work today is not merely a continuation of yesterday’s understanding, of advancing a previous goal. Rather, I am ready to discover new facets in the topic at hand. I am ready to be surprised. Perhaps there is an entirely different way to approach my work, perhaps I will uncover a heretofore unexplored aspect to my personality, one that allows or requires me to find a new methodology, a new way of developing and growing in a specific area. 

For example, imagine if you are working with a troubled youth. His issues have been clearly, and perhaps correctly, defined. Therefore, all his life experiences, all his attempts to move forward and be productive, are viewed from this perspective. All your efforts are directed at helping him overcome these challenges, at helping him achieve despite these hurdles.

When viewed in this way, we are inherently limiting the individual in what he can achieve. We must be ready to be surprised. There is more to him than we have seen. We can find another aspect to his personality, other strengths and abilities, other capabilities that allow him to move forward from an entirely new, undamaged part of himself, somewhere where he is healthy and intact. 

To work in this way, we also need to let go of our usual perspective on self-work. For example, let’s say someone has difficulty with being punctual. If he approaches the matter superficially, he knows exactly what the problem is, and what he needs to do to fix it. He has an issue getting out on time! He therefore invests his efforts in all sorts of practical tools and reminders, ways of improving his schedule, etc. However, he has not even begun to deal with the real issue at hand.

Habitual lateness can be indicative of any number of deeper deficiencies. He might have a lack of responsibility, of how he relates to his obligations. Or he might be lacking in seder, which is an important midah, not merely a question of external organizational skills. Yet a third possibility is that it is a reflection of his atzlus, an inability to tear himself away from his present occupation to attend to his present responsibilities. This person will only be able to grow and develop himself if he “starts at the beginning.” He is ready to listen to his life’s experiences without bias. He will honestly ask himself, “What am I dealing with here?” He then stands a chance of implementing truly meaningful change in his life. 

This approach is even possible in a highly structured setting, such as the classroom. Although there are usually very exact and well-defined expectations, we can be original in how to enforce and achieve them. There might be more than one way to get a child involved in the lessons, besides the typical, rigid methods. The same applies to the common dilemma of how to run a Shabbos seudah with the children with the children happily attending and  engaged. We need to be ready to put aside the ideas that are so ingrained, and ask ourselves: “How else can I achieve my objective? Is there another component to the seudah that will speak to this child?”

חנוך לנער על פי דרכו. We must educate the child according to his way, by being open to discover who he really is, without approaching him “our way” of doing things. In this manner, we can hope גם כי יזקין לא יסור ממנו, he will always stay on the true path of living a life of חינוך. 

Let’s conclude on a practical note. Let us each try to apply these ideas in one small area, whether in our own self-improvement, or in the chinuch of our children. However, it is important not to overreach. If we attempt to work in an area that means too much to us, we will feel too much pressure to succeed, and this can stifle us, not allowing us to reach out into new and creative territory. Let’s try to approach one such topic and view things differently.