Two misconceptions create obstacles to our reaching sincere nosei b’ohl. The first problem is that we (especially in Eretz Yisrael) have a tendency to see things within the broader context of some over-arching sugya.
Two misconceptions create obstacles to our reaching sincere nosei b’ohl. The first problem is that we (especially in Eretz Yisrael) have a tendency to see things within the broader context of some over-arching sugya.
HOW TO RELATE TO INSOLVABLE PROBLEMS
We have been speaking about nosei b’ohl. Whereas the situation is very challenging and everyone – from Eretz Yisrael to America – says we have to be nosei b’ohl, I want to explain a central aspect of this avodah.
When it comes to working on yourself, the most basic ingredient in working on yourself is that the work always begins and ends with the person. This is the most poignant aspect of nosei b’ohl. One simply cannot come and start on nosei b’ohl from a sefer. Rather, you start with seeing a person and then, afterwards, you see where there is a yoke, an ohl, for you to carry. Some baggage for you to carry or some wagon for you to shlep through the mud. So while the ohl is the sugya, the work begins with the person. You have to perceive the person, you have to see what the other person is going through and, only afterwards, identify with the specific ohl that needs to be shlepped. This is the pattern: the beginning of the whole work is to see the other person and only then to perceive the sugya of his ohl.
Two Wrong Ways to Approach Nosei B’ohl
Two misconceptions create obstacles to our reaching sincere nosei b’ohl. The first problem is that we (especially in Eretz Yisrael) have a tendency to see things within the broader context of some over-arching sugya. We identify some “bigger picture” – whether it is galus Yishamael or gam zu l’tovah or some aspect of hashkafa or mesiras nefesh or the notion that different kochos in the world are clashing with one another or some cleansing of the Jewish nation – whatever the case may be. And then, for sure you will have some practical application to draw out of that larger topic. What is wrong with this approach? The fundamental flaw is that the starting point is not the person. If we begin with a sugya then we will be drawn to that sugya, but the person inevitably will be lost in the equation.
A second mistaken approach arises when we try to couch things in terms of psychology. Here, we tend to “cook-up” psychology in a Torah “sauce.” Now the “good news” is that via this approach we will perceive the other person in a very intelligent way. The only drawback (and it is a critical one) is that we will not see any ohl. We may understand the person; but we won’t see the yoke or the wagon which you have to carry through the mud. So these are two common pitfalls that we must steer clear of if we wish to make inroads with the avodah of nosei b’ohl.
The Right Place to Approach Nosei B’ohl
As mentioned above, nosei b’ohl requires that we begin with the other person and then we relate to the ohl that person is carrying. How shall we relate to that person’s ohl? The answer is through our own vast and varied life experiences. If we cull through the chapters of our own life, we will identify with some ohl that in a certain way makes sense – even under the most alien of circumstances. But if we don’t perceive the person first and foremost, nothing will materialize.
By way of contrast, when we approach Yevamos, our starting point is not the person in the Mishna. That would be tragic because we would respond in some emotional way to all the people who are dying without children. Absolutely not. We approach Yevamos as a non-personal sugya in order that we can relate to concepts such as zikah or ervah or the like. Effective learning of Yevamos requires us to approach the topic in an impersonal way. Yet, when it comes to mussar or avodah we must approach these topics in a way that is first and foremost personal. These matters begin and end with a person with the sugya emerging in the middle.
The Added Challenge of Nosei B’ohl Amidst Tragedy
Now comes an added layer of complexity in the avodah of nosei b’ohl. When a tragedy is occurring – like we are presently experiencing – many times the magnitude of the tragedy makes it impossible to see the sugya. The matzav is so bad because these civilians were killed, or those children were murdered. At this point, most of us find it nearly impossible to relate to the sugya. So what is our default position? We take out a sefer. While this may seem logical, the moment the sefer is open, the nosei b’ohl is gone. Why? Because, like we said above, the avodah must begin with seeing the person.
The crucial step here is a fundamental yesod that we learn from the Gemara in Brachos regarding the Romans’ torture of Rabbi Akiva. It is a fundamental yesod but one that we all overlook.
As we know from the Gemara, Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim heard that their great rebbe was saying Shema and they responded with bewilderment. “Ad Kahn Rabbeinu?” Rabbi Akiva answered their question, “Yes, my whole life I was in pain about how I could fulfill the words of Shema and now the opportunity has finally presented itself.” This is the Gemara.
When we approach this Gemara, we all gloss over the problem that the talmidim were asking and run to the teretz that Rabbi Akiva was able to provide. This is a critical mistake. We must first learn up the statement of the talmidim – “Ad kahn Rabbeinu.” Full stop. That is the crucial question that they asked; and this is the crucial question that we should be asking but are not asking.
If we wish to be nosei b’ohl, we have to ask this question when we see that another person is suffering. True, we can’t ask this question of Rabbi Akiva; but we can ask this question of the Borei Olam. “Ribbono shel olam, ad kahn, Do you want us to work in this place too? Is there something to be done even in this extreme place?” We would have thought that this is a time where there is absolutely nothing to do (a’la v’yidom Aharon). So we are asking of the Borei Olam, “what could You possibly want from us in these tragic circumstances?”
I am sorry to say this, but a person who does not ask this question to the Borei Olam simply has no heart. Clear? Has no heart! Because when you come immediately with gam zu l’tovah or the notion that this is all part of some larger picture, you are approaching the matzav without a heart. You have forgotten that nosei b’ohl begins with the person. When we consider the circumstances and when we face the facts, we should be asking the Borei Olam, “How could you possibly want us to work in such circumstances? How can you demand from us avodah in such a place? You want us to go further on? Is there any ohl here to carry? Do you want to break us?” This, then is step one – we must ask Ad kahn?
Now, why don’t we want to ask this question? The answer is because we are afraid that we will not have a teretz. Rabbi Akiva could answer his talmidim; but our question is not going to have an answer showing up immediately.
When one is dealing (as we are) with a tragedy that is protracted in nature and in a way that is affecting the whole community, we cannot say “everything is good.” We have to acknowledge, “no, it hurts.” And that has to be said. Even if we are very eager to tell the people that some other reaction is appropriate, we must first acknowledge that it hurts. Period. And then what? I don’t know what then. I don’t know what I would say. Why should I know what to say?
Finding the Answer From Within Your Own Life
Now, the real question of nosei b’ohl – i.e., what to do – in those extreme situations where there doesn’t appear to be any solution whatsoever is particularly tricky. We have asked the essential, first question Ad kahn Ribbono Shel Olam which is the beginning of nosei b’ohl, Where do we go from here?
The second step is something that (also) will be connected to your own life. This is one of the facets that makes nosei b’ohl so important in the grand scheme of one’s avodas Hashem (as the Alter m’Kelm presented it in his way). Nosei b’ohl will propel us to explore this very important thing that is happening in life of both the other person and yourself. The sugya will be revealed in a way that has as much to do with you as it does with the other person. You are standing there and assessing this (seemingly) unsolvable matzav; but you remain there. You remain in the situation. Even if you don’t know what to do.
Now, the Gra in Mishlei offers an insight that (although he is speaking there about bitachon) provides us with the next step in our avodah of nosei b’ohl. How does one deal with a situation where he does not know what to do? Then, you have to learn your own life. [N.B. There, the Gra speaks about facing a tzarah for the very first time when you are definitely afraid. Yet, when you see that the Borei Olam presented you a solution, the second time the tzarah presents itself you will be calmer. Why? Because you recall how the Borei Olam helped you the first time around].
I am facing a thing, a basic thing, and I am saying “Rabbeinu ad kahn?” I am not responding immediately with some notion that “every bullet has its address” or “it’s all hasgacha pratis.” No. When you respond like that, you are simply not experiencing your life in a way that will teach you anything. Rather, when you learn from your life, you will see where there were situations – very bleak situations – where it seemed that nothing would emerge and yet, over time, something developed.
Anyone with a gray hair in his head can relate to these type of situations. Situations that you simply did not know what could come from there. Situations where you asked “ad kahn” and yet, over time, saw that there was a wagon to be pulled, that there was something to schlep. Yes, it takes time, but eventually you see it. This life experience is what gives you the courage to face the thing the way it is. Absent that, one simply doesn’t have the courage to face the situation head on. (And this is why I cannot say this va’ad to young people; but only to adults). Adults can find instances in their lifetime, when Hashem helped us through a situation where seemingly nothing was open and everything was closed.
When we learn from our own lives, we understand that if we wait, some “wagon” will emerge that can be carried and with it some area where one can grow and develop further. This will give me the courage not to look away from the other person; but rather to truly be nosei b’ohl with that person.
In this respect, we see that nosei b’ohl has a particular ma’aleh to the extent that you, yourself, are really out of the picture. You are not broken because you are not in the picture. Rather, the work is to see the other one in the picture and not just in some sort of detached intellectual way.
Recap
The mehalach is as follows. First, you resist the temptation to explain away what is going on with your chaver. You recognize that there is some insolvable problem that he is contending with. We adopt the approach of the talmidim of Rabbi Akiva who asked, “ad kahn Rabbeinu?” We don’t just jump-over that initial inquiry in order to get to the answer. That ad kahn reverberates in your reality and we live with the fact that right now, there is no answer going on. This situation is way above my capacity to grasp. Only a question on the Borei Olam, “is this what you want?”
This approach to nosei b’ohl im chavero demands the courage (on your part) to draw upon your own life. I don’t see another effective way to accomplish this. If we try and take on the whole sugya, then the person will fall out of focus. If we search for answers from some sefer then, at best, we will find all the most appropriate lines for all of life’s circumstances, but that too will de-personalize matters. To the contrary, we have to be OK with the notion that sometimes something happens and the best thing to say is absolutely nothing.
Where is the solution to the problem? We don’t know. Everyone has episodes from their own life – be it loss of money, or loss of life, or health, or danger you don’t really know what to do. Similarly, people come to me and say, they are going to a shiva home and don’t know what to say. And I also don’t know what to say. They have to go through this painful thing whatever it may be.
So after that first initial step of ad kahn, there is a second-step that says (based on one’s own life experience) that something will emerge that needs to be carried. Some ohl will materialize. And even if it is no solution in the traditional sense of the word, still it is something that makes sense. Not all of life is about solving problems; sometimes life is about living.
This is the place of nosei b’ohl in our avodah during these challenging times for Am Yisrael. We must cling to the person himself — from beginning to the end. We must resist thinking of things only in terms of big, endless concepts. We must resist quantifying things in terms of stam analyzing the person as this approach will eliminate any avodah altogether. Rather, the balance is to identify the person in the equation, to recognize that it simply makes no sense that they should have to carry something in such circumstances. At this point, you are with the other person in the whole mud. Yet, you don’t lose your head because, after all, in the end you, personally, are not in the mud. You are in the question ad kahn, but not in the mud.
And from there you cull your own life experiences that advise that invariably even in such unsolvable situations, something will come up. Something will reveal itself. Some wagon to be carried.
