Nose Beol 2 – How to See the Importance in the Others World

HOW TO SEE THE IMPORTANCE IN THE OTHERS WORLD

We spoke last time about how to build-up avodah and how we should go about trying to work with ourselves.  As mentioned, we are facing an enormous sugya – the sugya of nosei b’ohl im chaveiro – that presents a variety of challenges and demands lomdus.  This being the case, as we go step-by-step, we have to try not to lose the sugya and we have to keep our minds on the overarching avodah of nosei b’ohl.

Developing Avodah in a Non-Linear Fashion

If we were attending a shiur, we would harbor an expectation that the material should be presented in an organized fashion.  To the disappointment of many, however, when work is unfolding in our avodah it is never happening in an ordered fashion.  Whereas the shiur  is very organized and very structured and very clear, the thought process behind the shiur simply doesn’t work like this.  Rather, the maggid shiur had to cull from all different places and think from all different sides until he arrives a certain conclusion.  Only afterwards does the maggid shiur then present that conclusion in a very organized manner.

So that is an important realization – working with oneself simply doesn’t follow the same pattern.  As we work together in this va’ad, we have to not be afraid of the way things are working themselves out.  Sometimes we will have to change a bit or take a different approach.

Turning to nosei b’ohl, when I assessed the work associated with the challenge of being nosei b’ohl, it became apparent that one must pay attention to the details of the other person’s life.  Noticing those details, but not judging those details.  When someone is speaking to me, the life of that person is speaking to me.  The reality speaks for itself (just like we spoke last week about how Hashem judges a person by comparing and contrasting various details of that person’s life).  It is not a matter of thinking about a person in an intelligent way, it is first and foremost about considering that person as important and his life as important. 

Now, here we encounter a problem that I am simply not rich enough within myself that I should be able to recognize things that are in someone else’s life that are simply not on my personal agenda.  I possess a very narrow vision as to what life is about.  As such, I am handicapped on account of that narrow vision in my attempt to be able to identify with things that are showing up by other people.  In the end, when I look at someone else’s life it may just seem boring to me or unimportant to me. That life will then not to be able to say anything meaningful to me.

To counter this problem, we need to look at a Mishna in Avos in a new light.  The Mishna teaches us that we must be mlomed m’kol adam.  Now, why should I learn from another person?  If it is just a matter of gleaning some message from a child or from a cab driver or whatever you like that simply reinforces my old, previous view on some topic (i.e. hashgacha pratis) that is not really learning from everyone.  That alone will not be an adequate platform from which to build our avodah of nosei b’ohl.

Rather, the Mishna is challenging us to be a real chacham and to see things that exist with other people that are not by cup of tea.  Lessons that I am not readily able to recognize from my own life.  Details that simply do not speak to me in my own orbit.  This is a much more difficult demand.  So this is a fundamental challenge for us who are facing the work of nosei b’ohl.  We are, for all practical purposes, entering the mud.  And the answer is not to give up.  And the answer is not even to open up a sefer to learn what the Alter has to say about nosei b’ohl.  The answer is that we have to think about this ourselves.

Re-Orienting Ourselves to the Notion of “Ohl”

In confronting this formidable obstacle that can prevent us from recognizing something else, we can reconsider our understanding of nosei b’ohl.  What is an ohl?  So we would say it is some sort of difficulty or burden.  However, the ba’alei avodah and the ba’alei mussar held that this avodah extends to other person’s simcha as well.  So then where is the ohl? What ohl is associated with this other person’s simcha?  So we must understand the notion of an ohl in broad enough terms to encompass the other person’s “good times,” as well as his times of distress.

The chiddush here is that nosei b’ohl means to work with his reality.  Not only with the other person’s tza’ar per se.  But rather with whatever is showing up in that person’s reality.  So let’s say with simcha.  Simcha is causing me to achieve a certain closeness to the Borei Olam.  So when I am sharing in your simcha and I am somayach with you, then we are both getting closer to the Borei Olam.  In that situation, that’s his particular ohl.  That ohl is mainly placed upon him – to discern the hasgacha pratis, to see a shidduch come together, to appreciate that two families are coming together.  There could be an ohl for someone to work on emunah.  So whether it is a matter of simcha or a matter of tza’ar, I am nosei with this ohl.  I am nosei with the work that you are doing in your life. 

Now, when I think about the work that you have to do, that enables me to see that your life is important.  What may have been boring to me beforehand or what I may have perceived as unimportant is now showing up as an important thing in the life of someone else.  In turn, those details will also strike me as important.

So in terms of the example from last week, the fact that a kohen changed his place in shul from one day to the next … well, that simply is something unimportant and for sure there is no compelling reason for me to think about that.  Intrinsically it is not important.  However, when I consider those details in the context of the work that the other person has in his life, those details can become very important.

Another Aspect of Appreciating the Importance of Someone Else’s Life

In order to hone our ability to appreciate the importance of the work that another person is doing in his life, I would like to learn together an interesting Gemara  in Baba Basra (110).  It will teach us volumes about how to reckon with another’s tafkid in his world.

Without going line-by-line, the Gemara records how certain Sages found a descendant of Moshe Rabbeinu working (for pay) for a certain avodah zarah.  They approached him about the matter and he responded that he heard from his zeide that it is “better for one to hire himself out to avodah zarah rather than to take tzedakah.”  They explained a flaw in his understanding.  The notion was not that one should hire oneself out mamash  to avodah zarah, but rather that one should be prepared to undertake and avodah that is “foreign” (zar) to a person rather than to seek tzedakah.  One has to be willing to do a job that doesn’t fit his personality (i.e., skin carcasses in the shuk).  One should be prepared to earn a living – even via a profession beneath one’s dignity – rather than come onto tzedakah.  One should not decline such employment simply on the grounds that, “I am too important a person, to do this kind of lowly work.”

Now, the Gemara continues with Dovid Ha’Melech’s response to the situation.  Dovid Ha’Melech recognized that this individual finds mamon to be chaviv b’yoser and hence, it was his love of money that paved the way to his mistaken interpretation.  Now this is really quite a chiddush! Why should one think that when it comes to the aveiros chamuros (like avodah zarah) that a person would allow himself a heter simply on account of monetary reasons?  That seems pretty far-fetched.  And yet, that’s exactly how Dovid Ha’Melech thought process went.

We never would have thought in such a way.  We (likely) would have had one of two responses.  Either we would have (1) shared the unfortunate ma’aseh with a good friend and shared our disbelief as to “how far chemdas mamon can go” that it even has this descendant of Moshe worshipping avodah zarah.  Or, alternatively, you would (2) give some sort of mussar schmooze about how unimportant money really is in the grand scheme of things.  How it “moves” from one person to another.  How it’s all part of hevlei olam ha’zeh.  Either of these approaches stem from the fact that really you do not feel that this current is particularly important.  It demands either a mussar schmooze or a call to your friend to lament how far the current generation has fallen.

However, neither of these approaches has anything to do with the person’s life or his particular matzav and what it means to contend with such a robust streak of chemdas mammon.  This personality trait or flaw which is so very easy to identify (you don’t need to be the biggest gaon to diagnose that thing).  However, beyond that identification you are simply too lazy to think about what one can do with that matzav.  So yes, you did think of something; but you left-off with your initial impression and simply allowed that impression to occupy central stage.  That’s it.  Chemdas mammon is shrelckah and that’s the end of the story.

Dovid Hamelech, on the other hand, what did he do?  He looked at the same details and took that guy with all his chemdas mammon and appointed him as the finance minister over the entire Medinah.  Wow.  He took that very same chemdas mammon and used that very same koach that brought this fellow to such geferlach conduct and, on the basis thereof, tapped him as finance minister.  Why did he do that?  Because he recognized the centrality of chemdas mammon in this person’s life.  He saw this as an essential part of this person’s avodah.  Something he could work with.

That was Dovid Ha’Melech’s nosei b’ohl – i.e., that this seeming drawback is something you can work with.  Is something you can utilize for very positive results.  Beyond that, Dovid Ha’Melech is calling the guy Shevuel ben Gershom (even though his name was Yonasan).   Why?  Because he was chozer with his whole leiv.  Now, let us be clear that Tanach would never, ever, say about a person that he was shav b’kol libo if it were not truly the case.  No one we can imagine ever reached such a madreigah.  Not Reb Aharon Leib zt’l, not Rav Shach zt’l, not the Steipler  zt’l, nor even the Gra.  No one received a “change of name” of this sort other than this person.  Why?  Because he worked with his chemdas mammon.

Now, the Rashbam brings a Yerushalmi that years later (when Shlomo Ha’Melech came to power), he re-appointed all new ministers in the royal cabinet, and this person was dismissed from his position as finance minister.  What happened?  He revered back to his aveiros and became a navi sheker by Yeravam ben Navat.

This is nosei b’ohl the way Dovid Ha’Melech worked at it.  He saw that this person – despite his chemdas mammon – was an important person.  He related to the chemdas mammon in his personality.  And this person’s life remained important notwithstanding this character flaw that clearly is something quite negative.  But for Dovid Ha’melech this man’s life was at all times important and the details of this man’s life (even the regrettable ones) were also important.

Now we see from Dovid Ha’Melech how we can and should think about the life of others.  It could be that someone else’s life is uninteresting to me.  That is not an excuse, however, to be lazy in our thinking.  We need to overcome that.  We need to look at things that – true, in our world are negative – but in his world they look very large.

This is a tremendous source of work.  It shows me that the life of the other person is important exactly as it is.  And not like we would have thought – that it is important only after you shed any negative behavior.

Parenthetically, we tend to make a similar mistake with ourselves.  When we identify a negative aspect of our persona, our sole aim revolves around “how can I get rid of this difficulty.”  Yet, we see from this Gemara that we are overlooking a critical initial step.  That is, first to see and consider whether or not we could make something positive from that aspect of our personality.  That could even be a work that we find interesting or exciting.  So why don’t we look at things from that perspective?  Because we are lazy with our thinking.  Yet, when we are not lazy, we will aim to push further with our kochos ha’nefesh.

This Gemara shows us the extent of what can become of a negative koach.  Admittedly, we can start “closer to home” and we don’t have to wait until the guy is brushing off dust of avodah zarah.  Rather, we can cultivate this attitude with regards to one’s spouse or one’s children or the people more immediately within our environment.  Yet, still employing the same perspective, that there is a great importance in the life of this other person – and all the aspects (even the negative ones) are worthy of contemplation.

An Insight into Nosei B’ohl From the Parsha (Shemos)

So long as we are working with this approach to nosei b’ohl, I would like to share with you a pshat from this week’s parsha (Shemos).  In this week’s sedrah, Moshe sees the sneh and perceives how the Shecinah is situated within the sneh.  Why?  Because the Borei Olam wished to show Moshe that “I am with you in tzarah.”  I am “residing” here – even though it hurts.

Now, excuse me for asking this question, but I can understand how a thornbush is painful for people like us who possess skin and have all sorts of sensors that are being pricked and poked.  But what does that mean vis-à-vis the Shecinah?  What could possibly “hurt” the Shecinah?

And the answer is that the Shecinah is davka in those places where it hurts.  Within the chemdas mamon, for instance, one can find kedushah.  The kedusha is latent, but is within the very thing that is resisting kedusha.  The Shecinah is stationed davka amidst the kotz – davka within the thing which hurts.  Wherever the problem is situated, that is where you can find the Shecinah.

I’ll bring this point out via an illustration from my own life.  I recall when I was young, I had a certain trait we would call “irresponsibility.”  By way of example, I could not take any notes.  I finished high school without a single notebook and when I needed to study for a history exam, I simply needed to come onto my friends, because I myself didn’t possess a shred of notes.

So, in a certain way, I was 100% an irresponsible person.  They wanted to throw me out of high school on several occasions. Yet, lying within this very real kotz of “irresponsibility” is what, many years later, would enable me to “take all these rabbits out of the hat” when it comes to chiddushei Torah.  The shoresh of many of these ideas stems directly from the fact that I simply don’t think in a structured way. So yes, I was irresponsible.  But there was a ma’aleh to that.

You, with your responsibility and your responsible way of thinking will be stuck quoting what Rav Yeruchem said fifty years ago. You’ll be very responsible and stick to that text with all your amaylus and all your diyukim.  And you’ll learn up a ma’aseh that Rav Yeruchem brings and you will not allow yourself to think for yourself; but rather limit yourself to trying to interpret that what others said.  That is responsible; but I am able to see (and say) otherwise precisely because of that streak of irresponsibility.

This is where we can find the Shecinah.  Amidst the kotz.  In those areas of life that are important yet problematic.  Where you find an ohl (be it in ourselves or others), that we must strive to work with, rather than just get rid of.  This is a work that we can do within our own family.   You can go out and look at your spouse, your children, you close friends and think about what you see.  They each deal with certain challenges that may manifest themselves in various types of behavior for various.  And even if those behavioral patterns are quirky or awkward or downright fanatic, nevertheless it is important and – more than that – something this particular person could work with.

You think, for instance, you know your spouse?  For sure you know your spouse.  Guess what?  You don’t really know your spouse.  Every time you speak with your spouse, there is a (new) detail in that discussion that is interesting.  And if it’s not interesting, then you are simply not nosei b’ohl.  It’s not enough to be intellectually attuned to someone else’s ohl.  It has to be that there is really something  happening by that other person that is really important.

Nosei B’ohl  and the Legacy of Reb Mattisyahu Zt’l

We are all in a state of stress from the passing of Reb Mattisyahu  zt’l.  While I didn’t know him personally, I would say that he passed away because of the middah of nosei b’ohl – i.e., that he was working with this middah k’seder.

We can ask ourselves, how can it be that someone from Europe – worse, from Gateshead for that matter.  Where there are like two streets and not that many people in those streets.  How could a person from such a small, insular community, come to Lakewood and emerge as one of the major figures of Torah in America.

Part of his hatzlacha was that he did not simply dismiss the life of the American talmid as simply gashmiyus, money, and a megusham-dika society.  No, like we are saying here, he understood that these people and that whole American society is important – despite its flaws.  There is something to work with.  There is a place to be nosei b’ohl.  To this end, he overworked himself and gave shiurim without end.

Conclusion

So now we are holding by the first step in nosei b’ohl.  That is before we are doing anything or taking any action, we have a very big work in front of us.  First, we have to acknowledge that the life of the other person is important.  Without that initial step, nosei b’ohl is simply not shayach.  For if the person is not important to me, then the details of his life will not speak to me either.

In order to do this effectively, I have to be willing to see that anything that shows up in that person’s life – even negative traits – is important and could be developed further.  That’s what we saw by Dovid Ha’melech.  This is the pathway to working on nosei b’ohl.  Like Dovid Ha’Melech, we have to try and open up further the details that are recognizable from the other person’s life.  If it’s chemdas mamon, I have to push further with that chemdas mamon … for that koach could be the source of tremendous growth and development in that other person.  True, in isolation it is something negative or some difficulty to contend with; but when it registers with us as something important, then we have some valuable material with which to be nosei b’ohl and to push further in a pro-active fashion.