“We struggle to practically take responsibility for big areas of Avodas Hashem. Is there a meaningful and practical place within ourselves that can allow us to live up to our responsibilities?”
Bein HaMetzarim – The place of responsibility is not the topic itself, but the connection to it
Recent shiurim focused on yiras shomayim and the importance of taking responsibility in areas of avodas Hashem, including learning Torah and tefillah. However, as much as the message made sense on paper, when we tried to apply it practically, we haven’t been successful. Our agenda is to work on ourselves in a meaningful and practical way, not simply to produce well-crafted drashos as a pulpit rabbi might. We need to understand the reason for the lack of success and proceed to tackle our responsibilities from a standpoint that can work.
There are those who believe their job is to learn and give overאמיתה של תורה . They chase the dream of אמיתה של תורה without understanding how far away that really is. We do not attempt to say אמיתה של תורה. Meaning, our responsibility is not to אמיתה של תורה, as much as we strive to learn and genuinely understand Torah.
If we are being honest, we would see that none of us really expect to achieve אמיתה של תורה in our learning. The Maggid MePlutzk secured a haskama on his sefer from the Vilna Gaon because of one idea presented in his sefer, which the Gaon deemed אמיתה של תורה. None of us truly believe the Gaon would ever give a haskama to our learning! Clearly, we know that not even a single passage we may write, as worked out and as close to the truth as it may be, would merit the description of אמיתה של תורה! Can we therefore say that our responsibility is towards Torah itself? Certainly not!
With this in mind, we can establish that building a world of responsibility towards the avodah itself – limud haTorah in this case – is not our job, as learning לאמיתה של תורה is impossible. What, then, is our responsibility?
Let us think about this in the context of the period we are in currently: The Three Weeks. We feel the galus palpably now, as the dangers, specifically in Eretz Yisroel, are real and imminent. We know that galus includes the galus of the Shechinah. But what does that mean? Where has the Shechina gone? Does it exist in another place? Perhaps in America? In France?
Ramchal in Daas Tevunos explains that the concept of “place” in ruchnius means the background. In galus, tragically, the background of our lives changes from one of a straight connection to the Borei Olam to one in which that connection is twisted, unclear, and indirect. One might think the change in background is caused by our aveiros. However, the Nefesh Hachaim in Perek 19 says something different. He writes that it changes due to ta’avos raos – evil inclinations.
This is surprising! The distance of galus is not due to the actual aveiros, but to the direction of our kochos hanefesh. Ta’avos raos means that our kochos hanefesh point to something other than to avodas Hashem, and that is the tragedy of galus.
To be mesaken this, we need to reveal that our kochos hanefesh can point toward avodas Hashem. We need to find within ourselves the place of connection to avodah and bear its responsibility. It isn’t just the aveiros and mitzvos upon which we must focus. It is the connection – the direction where our nefesh is driven – that is at the root of galus and geulah.
This now becomes the background of our world. Our world is not learning per se. Our world is connected to learning, and certainly involves learning, but the background is where my kochos hanefesh are directed to it. The way our nefesh is connected to avodah is not merely a benefit. It is the essence of our world of ruchnius. The critical aspect of our avodah is the role our kochos hanefesh play in our connection to davening, it is not simply the accomplishment of davening itself.
It is to those kochos hanefesh that connect us to avodas Hashem that we have the greatest responsibility. A personal example of this: The Mashgiach, Rav Wolbe, once told Rav Sholom Povarsky that I have the middah of detesting corruption. That middah is not solely a personality description. It is where I connect deeply to Torah learning. When I hear something in learning that feels corrupt, I react viscerally! Conversely, when something resonates as a push towards integrity in learning, I am drawn to it immensely.
This middah is what connects me to ruchnius. But I have to be responsible. I cannot let that koach run free, for it can be destructive when it is not worked on. I recall a situation in which I reacted strongly to someone who presented what I felt was an overtly corrupt approach to something in hashkafa, and it resulted in far more damage than was ever intended. My middah which connects me to Torah, when not handled responsibly, made me do the wrong thing. I must use it and work on it and mold it properly.
Everyone has their own kochos that connect them to ruchnius. Our job is to use those kochos, and develop them with care and responsibility so they continue to be part of our development in avodas Hashem. For instance, if you are connected through a hatred of corruption, you will be sure to guard yourself from any internal corruption as well. One can’t be connected in a place where they themselves are fallible.
When we think of these responsibilities, it is important for us to internalize, rather than externalize them. These responsibilities are not in front of you, separate from your own life, existing in the concepts of learning or davening. Rather, they are inside of you, and connected to your own kochos hanefesh, which in turn connects you to learning and davening. (This is not to say we must be holistic in our approach. As Jews, we keep mitzvos. But we don’t seek achievements in obeying. We look to do those mitzvos with the built in connections our nefesh has to them.)
Galus is when these kochos that we have, which should be directing us closer to avodah, point outward to other directions. This is what the Nefesh Hachaim refers to as “ta’avos raos.” Without even doing aveiros, this corruption can appear.
Let’s take the following real-life example. The directors of a frum summer camp knew that they were unable to bring their campers to an attractive local waterpark. Instead of accepting the limitation, they came up with the innovative idea to rent out the entire park for separate swimming, just for their chareidi campers. On a superficial level, it seems like the perfect solution to give the campers what they want without exposing them to the possibility of aveiros. But when one is responsible to their kochos hanefesh, they will recognize the inherent danger here. The waterpark experience is an overwhelmingly exciting sensation. It is the kind of experience that carries one away, as Reb Yisroel says, and which will not be able to be replicated in Torah or tefilla, or other areas of avodas Hashem. Inherent in the camp’s “solution” is the greater problem of being irresponsible to the campers’ kochos hanefesh by pointing them outside of avodah into a foreign direction entirely. It is not about the mitzvos or aveiros. It is about the internal drives and middos that connect us with them. Fostering ta’avos which are disconnected from ruchnius entirely creates the wrong background and is a gross irresponsibility in our avodas Hashem.
Within learning, there are different places from which we can connect as individuals. The idea that we are responsible to Torah and should achieve some form of אמיתה של תורה is too great and overwhelming to be practical. But someone who appreciates exploring the sugya, delving into its obscurities, and working within the murky parts, needs to be responsible to that middah! They need to see where that connects them to Torah, and they need to guard from its possible dangers. Similarly, if someone is drawn to finding clarity in learning, they need to develop that and cultivate it. They also need to figure out how to keep the middah from holding them back. The quest for an analytical approach to learning is not without the danger of sterilizing the sugya, and stripping it of its vitality. One needs to ensure he is responsible for his connection and find ways of keeping the learning alive.
This is a very sincere work, and is relevant to all parts of avodas Hashem, whether in Torah, tefilla, or bein adam lechaveiro. It is an avodah that has the appeal that it works with the individual on a very personal level. Your responsibility is not with something overwhelming that’s out there, but with something you have within you.
