Working on change in the correct way enables us to accept that we’re far

Working on change in the correct way enables us to accept that we’re far

We have all experienced failed attempts to change ourselves in Ellul. We try again next year and fail again.

I am going to introduce us to a new field in avodas Hashem which will help us with this. Many people are good in bein odom lechaveiro or in bein odom lamakom but not in the other. Bein odom lechaveiro and lamakom are two different layers within a person’s personality.

Chazal tell us that one who denies his friend’s goodness will, in the end, deny Hashem‘s goodness. Chazal are saying that the lack in bein odom lechaveiro will develop into a lack in the bein odom lamakom. This means that if a person is corrupt in one matter in bein odom lechaveiro, they will in due course become corrupt in the same matter within the layer of bein odom lamakom.

If so, it should follow that the same should apply in a positive sense. If we do well in bein odom lachaveiro, this should cause the same effect in the layer of bein odom lamakom.

The problem we encounter when we want to change ourselves is that every bad point we have has deep roots and lots of side factors reinforcing it. Subsequently, making even the slightest change entails changing all the underlying root causes beneath the surface.

Accordingly, Reb Yisroel‘s solution of taking on a small kaballah to change proves very difficult and is liable to failure. Since this kaballah mehalech targets a point with so many other factors behind it, it is not viable nowadays.

How can we successfully work on fixing our bad points if we cannot hit the problem directly?

Solving the problem in an indirect way

We can take a different, much easier, area within ourselves and work there. Through this, it will spill over and improve the problematic area. How does this work? As Chazal say, ‘everyone who denies the goodness of his friend will in the end deny the goodness of Hashem’.

For this process to work, we first need to develop a richness in life. In other words, we need to find other areas in our lives which we perceive as important. After doing this, we can decide to work on another important area that will indirectly help the main problem we are facing.

Most people tend to ascertain a problem that they have. Then they try to work on the central point of the problem directly. Such an approach requires working on one’s kochos hanefesh, etc., which is beyond us. 

Reb Yerucham said that an aveirah is like a cancer. A person cannot get rid of their aveirah. Since they are rooted everywhere, they are impossible to get rid of.

Let me give you an example from my recent trip to America. I had a return trip booked for 17th Tammuz. However, I wasn’t sure whether to go back on the booked trip or on an earlier one. This lack of clarity drove me crazy. In the morning, I don’t meet people, so I had a lot of time to learn. I wanted to learn Nefesh Hachaim, but I simply couldn’t. The lack of clarity about my flight prevented me from focusing. I felt ashamed. After all, the captives in Gaza didn’t have a return journey. They were unclear about their lives. Why did my situation cause me such trouble?

For example, let’s say I want to work on trusting Hashem more. I do not need to improve this directly. Instead, I can work on this in a different area. My grandchildren are important to me. I consider their education very important. I have input into their education, but I am not allowed to govern it. Their parents are in charge. This is something that takes time to get used to.

When I work on training myself not to get overly involved, despite having a strong urge to do so, this will help me learn not to get involved in other matters and instead to trust in Hashem. Working on not getting involved in their education is relatively easier than other similar issues, since we know that, as grandparents, we do not have the final say in what happens with our grandchildren’s education.

Excelling in an area where we are skilled

If a person is a talented mathematician, he accepts that he needs to work very hard to develop his talent to its maximum. Despite this entailing very hard work, the person accepts this because he wants to excel in his talent.

A talented person feels that he is still very far from his goal. This is a positive and constructive feeling.

On the other hand, if a person tries to excel in an area where he lacks the necessary skills, this is destructive. For example, I have a bad memory for certain things. I cannot remember people’s names. If I felt that, in this area, I was far from my goal of remembering things well, it would be destructive. My memory does not work well for this, so there is nothing I can do about it.

Klal Yisroel need bircas kohanim. If a non-kohen feels far and lacking, that he is not able to do bircas kohanim, this is futile. A non-kohen cannot do anything about this lack of ability.

Many people spend time feeling very far from their goals, in areas where they cannot achieve them. In certain areas people are not talented. It is only worth feeling far in areas where we are talented and with hard work we can rise even higher.

The Torah wants lots of things from klal Yisroel-korbonos, avodas kohanim, etc. A person should not feel lacking in these regards. Not everyone is suitable to do these good things. If you are not a kohen, it’s simply impossible.

Now, I am not advocating becoming a mathematician or anything of the sort. People furthering their talents develop into ‘monsters’. They invest all their time and energy in nothing other than becoming good at maths, without paying any attention to improving their middos.

Why do we not naturally want to improve in areas where we are skilled?

We don’t want to improve ourselves in the place where our talents are strongest because we don’t see where we can improve-we are already good in these fields. However, this is where we need to invest our time and energy.

Suppose I use myself as an example. Bekius requires a good memory and learning with a broad vision (seeing the whole picture at once). These aren’t areas where my skills lie, so I don’t have an affinity for them. Even though Reb Chaim knew all the Torah back to front, this is not where my skills lie, and I cannot reverse it. My skills, on the other hand, are that I can think about a problem in a novel and unexpected way.

If I want to develop my skills, I do not need to do so directly in the problem-solving itself. Instead, I could, for example, use my head to think in novel ways about eating two foods together unexpectedly!

In the three weeks in which we find ourselves, we naturally think that we are far away. This is a perfect example of considering ourselves far away in the wrong area. This is an area in which we do not have the skills, and it’s an area which Hashem doesn’t demand of us.

When we evaluate ourselves regarding how well we are doing, we must not look at our success in terms of our performance. Instead, we need to focus on our skills. We need to discover where our main skills lie. Afterward, we will be prepared to accept where we are lacking since we have the confidence that we can work on improving ourselves with our skills.

Additionally, certain problems we need to work on overlap with and are interlinked with many other issues we have. Therefore, when we want to improve on just one point, this will manifest itself in many different places within our conduct. Hence, this will enable us to work on improving ourselves in a multitude of areas, which will prove very interesting.

 

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Written by Rabbi Rapport