Preparing the Ground for Teshuvah

Understanding the Topic of Teshuvah: The Outcome Matters

When one learns the opening perek of the Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuvah, one notices that one does not reach kaparah until he says vidui.  The Rambam then discusses the various types of aveiros (i.e., mises beis din, bein adam l’chaveiro), the sa’ar ha’mishtalayach and Yom Kippur.  And the question remains, though, what is the real topic of the Rambam’s treatment of teshuvah?

And the answer is that there is something fundamentally different about teshuvah as opposed to all other mitzvahs.  With regards to all other mitzvahs, our main job is to do the ma’aseh.  Whatever ramifications that ma’aseh has in all the upper worlds is, as the Nefesh Ha’Chaim explains, essentially up to the Borei Olam.  Our job is simply to do the right action while the outcome, whatever spooky things it might include, is the decision of the Borei Olam.  

With regards to teshuvah, however, the Nefesh Ha’Chaim (in perek 17, 18, 19, 20) doesn’t speak of accomplishing tikkunim in the upper worlds or bringing down kiddusha elyona (as he does in the first 16 perakim).  Rather, teshuvah has to make a difference in me; not in the world per se.  The person himself is the sugya; not the world.  On the flip-side, similarly, an aveirah destroys the person; not the world at-large. 

This, then, is the big chiddush we find in the Rambam’s approach to the mitzvah of teshuvah.  One is responsible not just for the ma’aseh of teshuvah; but rather also for the outcome.  This stands in stark contrast to all the other mitzvahs such as tefillin or mezuzah where the outcome is not my responsibility.  

Since we have to reach the conclusion of teshuvah, i.e., kaparah, it makes no sense whatsoever for me simply to say vidui or make charatah on every siff in Shulchan Aruch or klop myself for everything listed in the elongated vidui of the Chai Adom.  That’s simply not called getting rid of any aveiros.  

So this is the challenge we are facing when we try to prepare the groundwork for teshuvah.  And this is the pitfall we fall into year after year – we think we have to do a certain ma’aseh and it will magically make our teshuvah effective.  

Teshuvah Means Turning Yourself Over Into Another Person

Another principle we find in the Rambam (in the second perek) is that teshuvah turns you over into another person.  This is also part of our responsibility in making teshuvah, i.e., that a change is happening to you.  

We usually think that we have to identify something that we have been doing wrong and to be chozer b’teshuvah with regards to that topic or that inaction or that misconduct.  We clarify what exactly the halacha demands of us and how to do that action in the right way.  And then we focus all our kochos to discharge that action in the proper way.

For instance, if one understands that he must have kavanah in the first bracha of Shemone Esrei yet he invariably finds himself spacing out by the time he gets to Magain Avraham, he clearly has what to be mesaken.  What do we do?  We make a decision, understandably so, to keep up our kavanah throughout that first bracha.  That becomes our teshuvah.  That’s our “change in action.”  

And now, when keeping to that decision becomes difficult, how do we respond?  We just buckle-down, hold our breath, close our eyes and ears, and plow through that bracha until we reach our destination and then we pat ourselves on the back that “we did it!” 

Now true, you may have kept to your kabbalah, but this is definitely not a recipe for lasting change.  There’s no feeling associated with that ma’aseh.  There’s just ma’aseh.  

Similarly, if one decides that he will learn with hasmadah for thirty straight minutes.  When he finds he doesn’t want to do that, but pushes through anyway, the only thing that will grow will be a distaste for learning.  The ma’aseh alone will not produce growth.  The ma’aseh alone will not produce in your heart what you believe should be there.

So, the answer is not to just “close my eyes and go through,” but rather to connect to that ma’aseh through a feeling. Just plowing through with the single-mindedness that Americans idolize will simply not do the job.  The Torah does not want you to just close your eyes and ears and to just pull through; rather the Toran wants you to grow.  Actions alone will simply not work in effecting a change in your personality. 

The Torah Wants Us To Prepare Ourselves to Change 

In Michtav 17, Reb Yisrael zt’l says an interesting thing about a person who is prone to lose his temper.  When this person learns mussar and contemplates how bad ka’as really is and makes a mental picture of the same.  That’s all fine, but when a real-life situation occurs and that person’s really bad temper flares up, all of that nice contemplation goes out the window.  It simply didn’t help at all once this person was in rage. 

In assessing this phenomenon, the problem explains Reb Yisrael, is  not  his bad temper; but rather other middos that cause him to have this bad temper.  For instance, maybe he wants to have kavod or maybe he wants to have money or shleeta.  This being the case, working on the bad temper itself won’t help him.  To the contrary, the place to work is those other middos that are driving the temper.

So this is the chiddush  of Reb Yisrael when it comes to effectuating real change.  An inspired, unbending decision to do something will surely fade away.  Rather, one must listen to himself to discern what is the difficulty that is emerging from that decision.  One is thinking about what is happening to me.  One is thinking about why I find something so difficult.  As you open up that sugya, there you will find what it is that you have to change.  

In sum, the preparation for real change is not the strength of the decision to do a particular action; but rather the ability to listen to oneself, to see what is difficult with regards to that particular action and to as a result to recognize where do you really have to change.  This will open up areas where we can begin to be chozer b’teshuva in areas we never would have even thought about.  

This approach to teshuvah also makes it a very interesting endeavor because you will be surprised by what is revealed.  You thought you knew yourself by your actions; but now you’ll see that’s not really yourself.  

Working on Taivas Achila

As we will see, this approach is not so simple and one has to proceed with caution.  For instance, with regards to taivas achilah, I found that is something that I simply have to work on now that I am already more than sixty years old.  The dangerous part about working on this middah is that underneath taivas achilah one can encounter an array of bad kochos that you simply don’t want to enter into.  

So what do we do?  We make a diet.  We just decide to do the right action and then we steel ourselves and close our eyes and ears and push through according to the plan.  That approach, however, doesn’t every really deal with taivas achila.

Rather, to really work on taivas achila you have to confront the underling apikorsis that tells me that everything belongs to me; that everything out there is shayach to me.  Why does everything belong to you?  When you think that everything is shayach to you, then you are the real full-blown apikoros. 

Taivas achila means more than just eating tasty foods.  It’s about dealing with the achila we mention in the kriyas shema – the achila that requires us to be shomer ourselves lest it give way to what we mention next, namely avodah zarah.  The plain words of the Shema are calling our attention to the avodah zarah that lies below (or within) our achilah.  Yes, we say it twice everyday; but when it comes time to take it seriously, we don’t want to work with our kochos ha’nefesh.  We don’t want to work with our own apkorsis, or our own prikas ohl.  We would rather just continue with the notion that nothing is above me.

Preparing the Ground for Teshuvah Requires Striking the Right Balance

So this presents a challenge for us.  On the one hand we can’t be too afraid of ourselves to the point where we can’t really enter there.  On the other hand, we do need to be somewhat afraid of what one will find with yourself.  Blinding ourselves to what me might encounter is only an indication that neither avodas Hashem nor ruchniyus are for real.  They are for real.  Just as real as a minefield.  No fool goes straight ahead into the minefield.  That’s a recipe for death.

There are minefields in your nefesh just as well.  There are kochos that, if one is not careful, can be dangerous.  In this respect, we have to know what to work on and what is something we could do to make a difference in this area.  While this endeavor can surely be difficult, it is not yet being chozer b’teshuvah.  We have not made any kabalas as of yet; but rather are just preparing the area (or areas) that we would like to make different.  

Once we identify those areas, we listen to ourselves to detect where are the difficulties arising in those areas.  We don’t become desperate.  We don’t become meyuish.   Rather, we become interested in working on that topic.  Like a ba’al melacha, or a professional watchmaker or skilled carpenter, when they face a difficult piece in front of them, they don’t just give up.  To the contrary, they find the challenge to be something interesting.  They may not even predict what will be, but nevertheless they are interested in doing the work – even if it will be difficult.  

If you are too concerned about what delicate kochos you may find within the minefield of your nefesh, it could be that is a sign that you are not yet holding there.  Perhaps, in time, you will be able to go around the minefield.  Understandably, you might not be able to confront everything in the nefesh right from the beginning.  If one goes with the “just pull through” approach discussed above, than they will simply push themselves over the cliff when they meet-up with all these kochos ha’nefesh that they are not expecting to meet.  They become meyush or they blow up because of that or they end up working only with the demands they have imposed upon themselves rather than actually working on themselves. 

This “going against the grain” is what Reb Yisrael wrote about, i.e., to see what difficulties exist in order that we can work on them.  In order to do this effectively, we have to be prepared to work in places we might have expected needed work.  But that’s the way teshuva turns over from a boring endeavor to the most exciting exploration.

Teshuvah is boring for us when everything is clear from the outset.  Shulchan Aruch is clear and our chiyuvim are clear. And it’s just a matter of pushing yourself. But according to the way we are saying, teshuvah is most interesting because we really don’t know what we will encounter.  We don’t know which koach will show up at the next turn.  We didn’t know that beneath taivas achila is apikorsis.  We didn’t think that taivas achila was rooted in thinking that everything is shayach to me.  True, sometimes we might not wish to go into those kochos.  Nevertheless, this becomes the avodah for us seeking to prepare the groundwork to be chozer b’teshuvah and to make progress with the kochos ha’nefesh that we encounter in the areas where we seek to make progress.