Deciphering the Rambam’s Cheshbon
In Hilchos Teshuvah, the Rambam presents a new way to of looking at our teshuvah. The Rambam (3:2) explains how Hashem weighs all our actions not according to minyan, but rather according to gadlus and that this cheshbon is knowable only according to the Keil Dayos. The Rambam (3:3) then explains how those who regret the mitzvahs they did, will surely forfeit those merits. The Rambam’s words present several problems.
First, even though the cheshbon is not according to minyan, what would that look like? Clearly we would not just come up with a sum total of one’s mitzvahs and aveiros. We would definitely not say “muktzah is one and avodah zarah is two and tzitzis is three.” Rather, any calculation according to minyan would have to take into account the severity of each act as set down in Shulchan Aruch. So this is the first chiddush in the Rambam: when you are looking to be chozer b’teshuvah the wrong way to do so is to simply go through all the halachos in Shulchan Aruch and then decide what aveirah to be chozer from. This is not the way the Borei Olam considers things.
Second, now that minyan is not the way to count, we have to look for a clue as to what is godeil. After all, if the Rambam just leaves the entire thing up to the Borei Olam, that’s a matter for the Moreh Nevuchim – not Hilchos Teshuvah. It’s not particularly helpful to just use vague, undefined terms like gadol and katan? Rather, when the Rambam explains that the accounting goes according to the da’as of keil Dayos, he wants to tell you that a ma’aseh is considered big when it tampers with da’as.
As we know from Adam and Chava (and other places, too), da’as means connection. Now, “connection” is not some wishy-washy, West Coast, vague emotion. Rather da’as and connection means that someone or something is entering into your reality in a very real way. So, according to this understanding, the Rambam says a big aveirah is one that severs the connection to the Borei Olam while a mitzvah is big when it builds a connection to the Borei Olam.
This is similar to what we find in Reb Yisrael, zt’l (michtavim 7 and 15) who teaches us that actions are weighed according to how difficult they are to maintain. Whatever is easier to avoid is considered a bigger aveirah. As the Gemara says, the onesh for lavan is more weighty than that for techeilis. In sum, the cheshbon according to godeil is not a matter of becoming nervous about every corner of Torah, but rather relates to values that are outside of halacha per se.
For instance, take someone who is doing avodah zarah simply because his ancestors did so. In terms of the Shulchan Aruch, that excuse is not patur the person from any chiyuvim. Yet, in terms of the severity of the aveirah, it might not sever one’s relationship to the Borei Olam quite so much. Why not? Because the individual didn’t really decide on it; he just did it.
On the other hand take someone who decided to inter-marrying. Now, could be that al pi halacha, one would not be chiyev kareis minhaTorah for that. Yet, on the other hand, that decision to marry out is like the worst thing in the world because it simply severs everything.
To recap, we see that an aveirah is not measured solely according to the Shulchan Aruch. Rather, we consider how much that aveirah creates disconnection. On the flip-side, we find the same thing with a mitzvah. It, too is gauged according to how much it builds up a connection. This how we can appreciate what is a ma’aseh katan and what is a ma’aseh gadol according to Ka’il Dayos.
Working With Da’as
When we say da’as means connection, we are referring to the process by which someone enters your reality. When someone enters your reality, that requires you to make space for the other one. Da’as´or connection, requires you to create a place for that in your life.
On the one hand, we would really prefer that Hashem not enter into our life. Truth be told, we really don’t want anyone guiding your life. We would much prefer to maintain our own autonomy. Just let me live my life according to my preferences. Of course, I’ll keep the halacha and make all the right actions, but please, I really don’t want anyone or anything guiding my life.
This outlook represents a big problem that we have created for ourselves. We have essentially arranged our life in a way that Shabbos is a part of my life and davening is part of my life and learning is part of my life. Sounds fine. But, b’etzem, so long as we don’t want anything else entering our lives, then we will have no real shaychus to the Borei Olam.
Ahavah and Yirah: The Middos That Enable Hashem to Enter Our World
The two main middos through which Hashem enters our world are ahavah and yirah. We really do not understand these concepts properly. We think ahavah is some lofty, gevaldik feeling but really it is a very simple thing.
Ahavah means that you are accepting b’simcha that someone enters your life. Yirah on the other hand, means that you are accepting that someone enters your life and guides your life out of a recognition that this other person is important or big or strong. Now those statements are easy to say, but really would require a year’s worth of work. In any event, through these kochos we acknowledge that someone has to enter our life.
These are ideas are front-and-center before us is in the Krias Shema. We proclaim our ahavas Hashem b’kol nafshecha – even when He will take your life. And the question arises, why does the Torah talk about ahava in such negative terms? “You shall love the Borei Olam even when He will kill you!” Sounds like a real Litvisha type of ahavah. Why not say it in a more positive way. Like the uppermost yearning of one’s soul? Or to the point where your nefesh would want to exit your body? Same for one’s mo’edecha. Love the Borie Olam until He will take your money! Why such a gloomy description.
And the explanation is relatively straightforward. Since ahavah means something enters your life and, as a result, you have to give space to that something, the question arises, how far do you have to move away? When it comes to ahavas Hashem, the question becomes “how far should you be willing to move away for Him?” To which the passuk replies, even until your money is taken from you. And even until you are dead.
This is a very different ahavah then what we usually think. Normally, we think, for example, about learning Torah and about how learning Torah is the most amazing pleasure we could imagine and it’s so unbelievably sweet that if we just keep at it, we’ll accumulate more and more ha’naah until, in the end, we’ll reach ahavah.
While that sounds nice, does it sound real? Let’s think. Well, today the learning was difficult. And yesterday, too, the learning was difficult. So, the reality is, that it’s not really about one endless pleasurable experience called talmid Torah.
Rather, ahavas Hashem means that you are agreeing to joyfully let someone into your life. And one can reach that state via learning since, through learning Torah, you will deal, again and again, with the ratzon Hashem. You will see how sensible that ratzon is and how deep that ratzon is and, it will ultimately bring you to accept, b’simcha, that this ratzon of Hashem enters your life. In sum, ahavas Hashem is not some spooky, vague emotional feeling but rather it is about reaching a madreigah that, through limud ha’Torah, you are joyfully agreeing that the ratzon Hashem should guide your life. This is the pshat in kriyas Shema.
The Power of the Kabbalah Katanah
With this background, we can understand much better what is going on with that kabbalah katanah. A well-placed kabbalah katanah essentially does just that – it creates a space in your life for the Borei Olam. And that is what teshuvah is all about.
The first step, then, is figuring out where is there a place in your life where that can happen. The kabbalah katanah is about your life and not just a decision that you commit to. Very often, a decision – even a big, bombastic decision – doesn’t really create any space in your life. You just give space to your decision. This is a mistake that many people make. Deciding something big won’t accomplish anything; rather, you have to move away.
This understanding will force us to find a place where we are interested in moving away. This process is somewhat similar to a shidduch. What’s normal is to be a nice person and find a nice person and have a nice marriage and be zocheh to olam ha’bah. Thus, when you’re dating, you do not look for an unsympathetic person davka to see where you can give up space for this nasty person. That would be a recipe for a marriage with a pretty short shelf life.
Rather, you are going to look to marry someone that more or less fits your world. After all, even when you marry the person that is most similar to you, there will be more than enough circumstances where you have to move away and give space for your spouse.
A similar idea applies when you are looking for a suitable kabbalah katanah. We have to identify a place where we are interested that the Borei Olam should enter our world. As we mentioned above, the kabbalah katanah is not a matter of Shulchan Aruch. It’s not about stam picking one out of 100,000 possibilities. Rather, it’s about identifying a place where I want that the Borei Olam should enter my life. It’s about finding a place where I am interested to work further and then being mekabal a kabbalah katanah in that area.
The Importance of Holding On To the Kabbalah Katanah
Once we appreciate where to make the kabbalah katanah, we can begin to understand why the ba’alei mussar emphasized the importance of not letting go of that kabbalah one was mekabel from Yom Kippur. It’s not because of any neder or even about following-through. The point of the kabbalah is that there is a point in your life that has to move away. If, for example, you find that your kabbalah katanah moves to the side every time some difficulty arises, that essentially means your life didn’t give up any space.
It’s exactly the idea expressed in the Kriah Shema, that the ahavas Hashem keeps up even when it touches upon the way I lead my life. [Of course, we don’t go out of our way to search for life-endangering circumstances within which to demonstrate that ahavah. That would be akin to the avodah zarah of Molech]. Even when faced with difficult life circumstances, we need to try and keep up the kabbalah katanah. And in so doing, that’s how you create space for the Borei Olam in your life.
This is a way to be connected to Keil Dayos. When we approach our kabbalah n this way, regardless of how big or small the action actually is, it is by definition big ma’aseh. Why? Because it gives space to Borei Olam in your life.
This, too, helps us identify where the real work is that we have to do. Time and again, we will have to deal with difficulties that creep up. And with middos that present themselves. If your kabbalah katanah never presents any difficulties, that would not constitute a very good kabbalah. Why not? Because it won’t make your life move away in any noticeable way.
By way of example, I’m not so concerned that people should like me. So, for me to make a kabbalah that I’m going to smile at everyone I meet in the morning would not present too much difficulty. I can smile and say boker tov all year round. I’ll feel absolutely no problem with that. I’ll keep up with my kabbalah katanah but nothing in my life will move anywhere.
On the other hand, an example of a good kabbalah might be to have kavanah in the first bracha of Shemoneh Esrei. When one dares to give a space to the Borei Olam in that bracha, he is likely to run into difficulties on a regular basis. For instance, I remember being in the process of moving and there was a lot of money at stake and a lot on my mind. Even though I really wanted to daven nicely, nevertheless, when I began to daven, it was a disaster.
Baruch … check. Atah … bank. I was so caught up thinking about all these things and yet I had my kabbalah to keep to. To be honest, with all this tirdas ha’daas competing for my attention, I simply wanted to put that kabbalah out of my life. But this tension, then, becomes the place where I need to work. I have to try and put those tirdos aside and do the work necessary that the kabbalah katanah should stay with me. This is just one example of many possibilities. There could be any number of other circumstances that crop-up at a Mincha or at a Ma’ariv, Or any number of middos – even middos I didn’t know that I had – that I need to confront and contend with and work on just to keep up my kabbalah katanah. When one meets-up with all these obstacles and, nevertheless, tries to keep up the kabbalah katanah, one can see how this relatively minor change can become a very big thing indeed. It forces you to make space for the Borei Olam in your life.
Another example of a kabbalah was, for me, with regards to working on my writing. This was always a horrendous thing for me because when you speak you can read people’s faces and you can see if there is a lack of understanding or if you need to speak slower or with a softer tone. The paper you are writing on, however, doesn’t give any of that feedback. So I needed to work on that.
Airplane flights present a few hours when really one cannot do anything. Now, I never thought that I could be organized. After all, my personality is anything but mesudar-dik. Just the opposite, I like thinking in the “disorganized jungle” rather than in a neat world where everything fits together nice-and-neat. So on the one hand, I am not a mesudar-dika person; yet on the other hand I do need to write in an effective way.
So in this place, I found my kochos nefesh were like constantly trying to push my kabbalah to be mesudar out of the way. This, again, presents a very fruitful place to work. It’s the same idea. The tension that comes up will make one’s kabbalah katanah into a living thing.
In order to keep up that kabbalah katanah we need to remain strong and determined and not let every change in our life situation create another excuse or reason to let that kabbalah katanah go the wayside.
A good kabbalah katanah is a living, organic thing. It will enable an inner development to emerge over time. The kabbalah katanah is not something we just screw in and fix it and doesn’t move anymore. After all, we are not machines, but rather living organisms where things can – and should – develop.
One word of caution on the topic of selecting one’s kabbalah katanah is that you don’t want to put yourself in a minefield such that you’ll be prone to blow-up over one misstep. Just like a wrong kabbalah katanah would not allow the Borei Olam to take space in your life; the same is true if you make a place for the Borei Olam to enter your life where you don’t really want that to happen.
When, however, the kabbalah katanah is selected in the right place in one’s life – in a place where one is interested in having the Borei Olam enter their life – then we can easily understand that I even a small ma’aseh can be considered a big one and one would acquire the status of a ba’al teshuvah with regards to that thing. This is how one can be chozer b’teshuvah by allowing, via his actions, the Borei Olam to enter your life.
