Making Teshuva without being hard on yourself

 Vaad 3 – Making Teshuva without being hard on yourself

We will continue to discuss an approach to teshuvah that is suitable for our generation. 

Reb Yisroel in michtav 30 says that we do not need to do teshuvah on every single aveirah. Instead, we need to reach a madreigah of being osim teshuvah to be able to receive from the kedushah of Yom Kippur.

A fundamental aspect of teshuvah is recognizing the severity of our situation, which stems from our aveiros. This is where we encounter a major problem. Our generation is weak in one area. We cannot accept when others strongly criticise us or scream at us in rebuke. Screaming at people with criticism is never successful. If we cannot tolerate even our Rebbeim screaming at us, kal vechomer we cannot tolerate it when we scream at ourselves.

Reb Yisroel says that the madreigah of osin teshuvah is to reach the point that ‘our sins are upon us and how can we live?’ If so, without screaming at ourselves that our lives are totally flawed, how can we hope to reach the madreigah of osin teshuvah?

We learn from the Neviim that avodas Hashem is the point of meeting between the ratzon Hashem and the reality. It is not true that if we have a mesorah from one of the gedolim from a previous generation, about lemoshol the mehalech for doing teshuvah, that we must behave accordingly. If what they said for their generation is no longer relevant for the reality of our generation, then it is not meant for us. Klal Yisroel are not incorporated in the Torah. Therefore our reality can change somewhat over time. Instead, the navi speaks to us according to our reality.

The natural response is to scream at ourselves, telling ourselves that we are worthless in light of all the aveiros that we have done. But this approach doesn’t work. If so, we need to propose a new way to do teshuvah, which does not entail shouting at ourselves but nevertheless makes us into osin teshuvah.

The new way I proposed last vaad was to work on reconnecting kochos hanefesh that we have, which might be lying dormant, back to Hashem. I based this on Rashi in Avodah Zorah daf 19-‘the bachur needs to recognise Hashem with his koach when he is young’. He needs to use his kochos to remember Hashem.

Reb Chaim Volozhin in Nefesh Hachaim begins to speak about teshuvah– ‘when you are mekabel malchus shomayim to raise your actions, your speech, and your thoughts to a higher madreigah ….’

How can we be mekabel malchus shomayim in a way that we undertake to raise our madreigah? If we are not holding at the higher madreigah, how is it possible to accept the malchus to reach this higher madreigah?

The answer is that we already know, at our current level, that we cannot continue like this any longer. This makes the basis for us to elevate ourselves. This approach of malchus shomayim helps with teshuvah.

However, again we are faced with the same problem-we do not recognise how our low level is muddied by aveiros and how it cannot continue any further. In our generation, this is not where we are holding.

So, how can we approach teshuvah?

I want to mechadesh a new thing in kabbolas ol malchus shomayim, which will enable us, in our generation, to do teshuvah successfully.

When we do avodah, we tend to think about ourselves-how well did we daven? How well did we chap the pshat in our learning? What about wondering if Hashem enjoyed listening to us? The correct way to approach avodah is to recognize that we are dealing with an important endeavor that is outside of ourselves. This external endeavour is objectively important.

To base our whole avodah on our own subjective importance is a problem in kabbalas ol malchus shomayim. Kabbalas ol malchus shomayim is to recognize that the importance of what we do for Hashem is important by itself, regardless of our subjective feelings. 

When we focus on something in an objective respect, our perspective on our kochos changes. Let me give you an example. I used to give weekly shiurim in a kollel for baalei teshuvah. Once, they challenged the whole workings of shidduchim. They claimed that there is no way a boy and girl can understand each other after five meetings.

I responded and told them that they are all shakranim. I said that until you commit, your feelings are a certain way. Once you make a commitment, all your feelings change. Once you commit yourself to something external, your whole perspective on yourself changes.

We need to find something that has an objective importance. Commiting ourselves to an important endeavour in something external to us is kabolas malchus shomayim. For example, learning Torah and putting on tefillin are objectively important.

I have taken upon myself bli neder, each day, to type up divrei torah which I have learnt (from others) but are not known. From this, I am involved in important endeavors, such as Torah, providing others with benefit from being able to read what I have typed up, while committing myself to seder.

As I do this, I see that I am involved in an important endeavour. I see new things becoming revealed. This is the ‘go to me and listen’ that we have quoted from Yeshayah 55,3. Once we do this, we can listen to ourselves – to our kochos which are connected to malchus shomayim.

‘And your soul will live.’ A living thing means that new things are constantly emerging. This is as opposed to meis where it is what it is, and there is nothing new coming out. When we listen to these kochos, we realise that we can develop further, perhaps even in other areas. 

One of the advantages of the mehalech that I am proposing is that we put ourselves into an environment where we live with something that is important. This is interesting and not scary or pressurised. This way, we become osin beteshuvah 100% because we are connecting our kochos back to avodas Hashem. Then we can receive the kaporah of Yom Kippur.

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 Written by Rabbi Rapport