Second Vaad Elul – Doubt is the place connection happens

Second Vaad Elul – Doubt is the place connection happens

In the last vaad, we said that the penimius is where we have doubts regarding our avodas Hashem. The aim of the penimius is the chitzoniyus. The chitzoniyus is where we have clarity.

We also said that the Nefesh Hachaim explains that the essential teshuvah happens in the penimius of the person and not in his actions.

We learned the Mesillas Yesharim’s mashal of the maze: the only way to reach the maze’s centre is by exploring ourselves with unclarity, and only through this can we reach it. 

The maze of limmud hatorah

I want to start by bringing a proof for my explanation of the Mesillas Yesharim: Learning Torah is part of avodas Hashem. If so, the maze structure of avodas Hashem equally applies to Torah learning.

Some understand the maze structure of the Mesillas Yesharim differently from how I am explaining it. Rather, they understand that there are great people at the centre of the maze who need to guide us through it, dispelling all doubts.  According to them, if we put their understanding in terms of limmud hatorah, this would mean that before we learn a sugyah, we must first learn chiddushei Reb Leib Malin to get the clarity to guide us through the sugyah! 

You will not find one rosh yeshivah who will tell talmidim to learn like this. To learn with clarity from the beginning of the sugyah will stop you from ever building a connection with the sugyah. Having doubts that maybe the pshat in the sugyah is one way or maybe it’s another way is the way to connect with the sugyah.

Similarly, the essence of teshuvah is making a connection with Hashem. This can only take place together with doubts. These doubts take place in the penimius. 

When we do teshuvah, we always want to find the clarity. We search for the place where we are lacking in our avodas Hashem and fix it. However, this makes us tzaddikim, but not yet baalei teshuvah!

A tzaddik is somebody who is totally clean. But, if something goes wrong in his avodah, he loses the status of being a tzaddik. An example of this was Shaul. He was supposed to be a tzaddik since he came from Yosef Hatzaddik, but he did one aveirah and was no longer a tzaddik-he lost his whole status. Dovid Hamelech, on the other hand, came from Yehudah, who was a baal teshuvah. Avigail told Dovid that he was the one whose penimius was connected to Hashem. Dovid was the one who brought teshuvah into Klal Yisroel. Dovid Hamelech was like the person who, in his avodas Hashem, enters into the unclear maze without knowing which way to turn.

The wrong type of doubt in avodas Hashem

Some people love the lack of clarity in avodas Hashem for the wrong reason. They believe that the lack of clarity in avodas Hashem is the dilemma of what to do in avodas Hashem. They use this to justify their inconsistency in avodas Hashem. This is absolutely incorrect avodas Hashem. As far as these people are concerned, they need to go to a posek to get the clarity for how to keep halachah. After all, the centre of the maze (the halachah pesukah) is totally clear.

Where is the correct doubt?

In the intellect.

In learning, when we learn Chezkas Habatim and are in doubt as to whether chazakah is a kinyan or horas baalus, we will have to think to try and work out what is going on, and it won’t be easy. The different sides (‘tzdodim’) are very interesting with all their different consequences.

The doubt in avodas Hashem is in a different place. It’s not about intellect and consequences of the different tzdodim. Rather, the doubt is in our relating to the mitzvah. We need to know where we connect with the mitzvah of tefillin and the mitzvah of tefillah, etc.

Clarity on kochos hanefesh is beyond our ability.

Let us explain this doubt: Many people say that you need to find out what your personal koach is, which connects you with the mitzvos. The problem with this is that we are unable to work out our personal kochos hanefesh through which we personally connect with the mitzvos.

We do not need clarity on what our kochos hanefesh are. On the contrary, what we need to do is take several points and forge the connection through them. They could be emunah, standing before Hashem in davening or presenting our needs before Hashem. We can’t predict how they will materialize, but we need to try. This tenuah in the nefesh, when we try to work out all the different tzdodim, will make the connection.

If we put this in terms of our model, the maze, the centre of the maze is not to get the clarity of how to daven, but the centre is to aim to daven like a mensch.

Example-how to connect with Shabbos

If, for example, a person wants to connect with Shabbos, there are different aspects of Shabbos that we can connect with. We could connect with the bein odom lechaveiro of Shabbos-family time, or we could connect with the kedushah aspect of the day.

Bein odom lechaveiro

The dvar torah that we say at the table needs to interest the family. We need to listen to others’ needs. That’s bein odom lechaveiro.

Kedushas Shabbos

Similarly, if a person thinks that on Shabbos, by closing himself off in a room with a sefer, makes him mufrash and muvdal, he is mistaken! We need to work on how to achieve kedushas Shabbos.

Chozer Beteshuvah

We could connect with Shabbos in many different ways. We don’t know exactly how to connect. This working on how to connect is avodah with doubt, like the maze, and is what connects us. Then we are chozer beteshuvah and connect back with the ratzon of Hashem.

Reb Yerucham said that the purpose of penimius is the chitzoniyus, meaning that the purpose is to say kiddush on Shabbos, daven like a mensch, and to keep Shabbos. We work on the penimius, but the clear correct actions (chitzoniyus) need to come out from this.

A baal teshuvah means not clearly knowing our kochos hanefesh, so that we can connect with the mitzvos. Being a baal teshuvah means connecting through dealing with all the different options (just like learning with all the different tzdodim in gemorah).

The doubts that we need to have in our avodas Hashem do not reflect a lack of clarity in what avodah entails. Avodah itself is very clear; our doubt is exactly how to approach this clear avodah.

Now we can understand why the nefesh hachaim says that teshuvah is in the penimius. The penimius, where we work through the issue with our doubts, is the place where we connect.

 

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Written by Rabbi Rapport