Deepening our Connection Through Hakoras HaTov

The Problem With Saying “Thank You”

Growing up in Switzerland where politeness is emphasized, it was a big culture shock for me. For a whole year, the mashgiach (Rav Wolbe ZT”L) learned Nefesh Hachaim with me in a very personal way and taught me things that no one else knows. I couldn’t believe that the mashgiach stopped me from saying “thank you”. When he learned with Rav Hutner for eleven years the mashgiach also didn’t thank him. 

At first, I couldn’t understand this but he explained. Saying “thank you” creates a flavor of the talmid disconnecting from the rebbi. It can make the talmid think, “I have what we learned in my reshus and afterward I’ll think what to do with it.” The mashgiach wanted to stay connected to his rebbi with what they learned. Thanking Rav Hutner was not necessary since everything he taught wasn’t for his personal use but to give over to Klal Yisrael.

Our perception of hakoras hatov is distorted. For us it creates disconnection. We say “Thank you, I got it now.” and walk away. Soon we will explain how the true avodah of hakoras hatov does the opposite. It keeps us connected.

Connecting With the Yomim Noraim

We also face this problem of disconnection with our avodah in Elul and the Yomim Noraim. On Rosh Hashana when we say “simloch atah Hashem levadecha al kol maasecha“, “uvechein tein pachdecha al kol maasecha”, we deeply experience the world with the presence of the Borei Olam and feel it. It’s terrible that by Tzom Gedaliah, we already lose that connection. Nothing stays with us from the Yomim Noraim. After Sukkos and bein hazmanim we barely remember the topic we worked on in Elul to be chozer betshuva. We live in a constantly disrupted world; with no connection. Later we will speak about using hakoras hatov as a tool to take the hispaalus of the yomim noraim with us into our year.

The Centrality of  Hakoras Hatov

First, we need to appreciate that hakoras hatov is central. It’s not just a trick or a “nice thing to have”. If we don’t master it we will be lacking an essential component of avodas Hashem. We can see this from the Gemara in עבודה זרה (דף ה.) on the pasuk:

(דברים ה, כ”ה) “מִי יִתֵּן וְהָיָה לְבָבָם זֶה לָהֶם לְיִרְאָה אֹתִי “, “Who would give that this heart of theirs would remain with them to fear me.”

The Gemara says: 

אמר להן משה לישראל כפויי טובה בני כפויי טובה בשעה שאמר הקדוש ברוך הוא לישראל מי יתן והיה לבבם זה להם היה להם לומר תן אתה

Moshe told [Bnei] Yisrael you are kefuyey tova  (deniers of good) the children of kefuyey tova! When Hakadosh Baruch Hu asked, “Who would give that this heart of theirs?” they should have said, “You should give it!”

The Gemara calls Klal Yisrael kefuyey tova for not saying “tein atah“; for not asking Hashem to give them yiras shomayim. How do we understand the connection between being “tein atah” and lacking hakoras hatov? 

There is another question. If the Borei Olam gave Klal Yisrael yiras shomayim, the world as we know it would be over. Now the avodah is to make yiras shomayim stronger than the yetzer haharah. But, once we already have yiras shomayim solidly in our hearts this won’t be a problem anymore. What would there be to do then? What would the avodah be? 

The answer to these questions is that there are two ways of avodas Hashem; one is yiras shomayim and the other is hakoras hatov. Even when the work of yiras shomayim is finished there is still further development of the world to be done with hakoras hatov. The Borei Olam said that Klal Yisrael were kefuyey tova. When they didn’t say “tein atah” they showed that they didn’t want to go into the unbelievable work called hakoras hatov.

Adam Harishon was in the same situation. Before the Eitz Hadaas, Adam was living in a one hundred percent kadosh world without the yetzer haharah but, there was still avodah to be done. That’s what the Gemara means by calling us kefuyey tova bnei kefuyei tova. Adam is called kafuy tova because he wasn’t interested in working on hakoras hatov. It is much harder than yiras shomayim. Klal Yisrael also made the same decision at Har Sinai. This is the depth of what Chazal want to tell us here. They call us kefuyey tova because we weren’t ready for the challenge of hakoras hatov.

Preparing For Mashiach

Chazal say something similar about the yemos haMashiach, 

(שבת קנא:) והגיעו שנים אשר תאמר אין לי בהם חפץ (קהלת יב: א) אלו ימי המשיח שאין בהם לא זכות ולא חובה

Years came that we will say, “I have no desire for them.” These are the days of Mashiach which have no zechus and no chovah.

In the time of Mashiach, our work will change. We won’t have zechus for the effort in doing a mitzvah or overcoming temptation because we will already have yiras shomayim in a solid way. At that time our avodah will be another way to approach kol hatorah kula, a higher and much deeper one, the avodah of hakoras hatov. 

Some people say that we are in the dor of ikvesa dimeshicha.  If that is true we need to prepare ourselves now by flexing the muscle of hakoras hatov. When Mashiach comes, only the challenge of tov vera will be resolved but there will always be work to do. Hakoras hatov is an unfamiliar concept to us. We aren’t used to this approach and we aren’t prepared for yemos haMashiach. 

Hakoras Hatov – The Desire for More

Hakoras hatov is a koiach of seeing content and depth in mitzvah and staying connected with it. When we see the tovah inside the mitzvah we want to explore it and have more and more of it. Right now we think in terms of yotzei yedei chovah.  Did we do the mitzvah right?  Have we been righteous and honest people? But that doesn’t keep one day of avodah connected to the next. Hakoras hatov is not about being correct but being connected; connected to the tovah. It means constant aliyah. 

Preparing For Rosh Hashana

I want us to work together on tefilla in Elul in preparation for the tefillos of Rosh Hashana. On Rosh Hashana, we spend most of the day davening. The tefillos are the main thing. Reb Yisrael in michtav lamed talks about the difference between learning Torah and tefillah. When we learn sugyos in Torah we need to understand them but they don’t need to touch us emotionally. It’s not the same with davening. There, we need to be nispoel from what we are saying. In normal years the tzibbur is a very helpful tool for us to get hispaalus in the davening on the Yamim Noraim but now, with the Corona virus, it’s not available. We need to find a way to be touched by tefilla in an individual way without the big voice of the tzibbur and without the inspiring nigunim.

On Rosh Hashana we focus on the first three brachos of shmoneh esrei in a very intense way. We are mosif on them, especially in Atah Kadosh where we add vechen tein pachdecha. We can prepare for Rosh Hashana now, in Elul, by looking at these brachos to see what speaks to us, some simas leiv in one little part. Let’s be makir tovah on someting; be nispoel from it. Then, in the next shemoneh esrei we will try to go further with it and see more and more tovah in this part. See the depth in it and enter the penmiyusdigeh world of tefillah. It’s incredible that we have the opportunity to speak with the Borei Olam about these things and be meshbeiach him. This creates a feeling that we are looking forward to the next tefillah. Now I want to go back to it with more hakoras hatov.

This preparation is not about looking up meforshim and remembering them. It doesn’t mean making our shemoneh esrei longer. It’s not asking ourselves, “Were we mechaven? Were we righteous?” It allows us to stay connected with what touches us in the words. We daven three tefillos every day and we can take the hakoras hatov from one tefillah to the next one.

This Year – A Different Approach

This preparation for Elul is different from what we are used to. It’s not being strong, doing teshuva by working on our maasim. It takes courage to try a different approach. Who says we’ll be matzliach? But with the hakoras hatov approach, Rosh Hashana will resonate with us further even after the yomim noraim.