Our school systems are raising a generation that only acts out of personal motivation. But the Torah’s principle is to go with other’s desires even when we disagree! To bring our children into the Torah’s values we need to have them feel connected. When people are connected, they don’t look for personal gain in their contributions to the framework they are a part of.
The issue we have in education
The core of the issue is that our society suffers from an educational system which conditions us to act only when we are personally motivated. Essentially this is saying “I am in charge” meaning that we will do what the motivational speaker inspires us to do, however only because the speaker motivated and inspired us to want it.
This mindset clashes with the nature of interpersonal relationships, which require us to prioritize the desires of others—not because they are more powerful or can coerce us, but because it makes sense and is a good thing not always to do what we personally want.
Imagine a generation of children who refuse to act unless they are personally motivated or inspired—is this not a form of narcissism? Such an attitude essentially declares, “Unless I feel motivated, I won’t act!” This mindset is entirely contrary to the Torah’s teachings, which demand that we do what Hashem wants. It also undermines the principles of bein adam lechaveiro (interpersonal mitzvos), where our focus must be on the needs and desires of others. Just as the term bein adam lemakom (mitzvos between Hashem and Man) is referring to commandments in which we are “doing Hashem’s will” so too bein adam lechaveiro is referring to commandments in which we are doing our friends’ will!
The Rosh in Maseches Peah (1:1) says that Hashem has a greater desire for bein adam lechaveiro mitzvos than those that are termed bein adam lemakom because by bein adam lechaveiro there are two wills, that of Hashem, and that of our friend. In other words, he is equating the ratzon of Hashem and the ratzon of our friend! We would never think to put them in the same category! We would say “Hashem’s will is a mitzvah, but our neighbor’s will is just something we should be sensitive to” but the Rosh is clearly saying that in fact our neighbors will obligate us just like Hashem’s!
The solution – creating connection at home
So how do we educate our children to listen to others even when they don’t want to? How do we get them to listen to us as parents even when they don’t want to? How do we create an atmosphere at home which educates towards doing what the other wants?
The answer is that we must create a framework of “connection” in the family. When people are connected, they don’t look for personal gain in their contributions to the framework they are a part of.
Nowadays, our adolescents tragically report that they do not feel connected! We need to create connection at home and when we accomplish this, then each individual will accept that there is another opinion to go with.
Practical steps to create a connection framework in the home
The first key to fostering a child’s connection to the family is encouraging their active participation in family life. In other words, the child should feel that they are a contribution to the family.
Many people mistakenly believe that bonding happens through activities like amusement park trips, but these experiences are primarily about “consumption”—everyone is simply excited and enjoying something by and for themselves, coincidentally at the same time and place. We can all appreciate that this is not a true connection. Excitement does not connect us to others, but rather it is a personal experience which each person experiences differently. [1]
Setting the table for Shabbos
Even from a very young age, we can help our children see themselves as valuable contributors to the family. For example, having them set the table for Shabbos gives them a sense of importance and accomplishment. Instead of correcting them if they place all the utensils on the left side, we should praise their effort. This positive reinforcement makes them feel connected and proud of their role in the family.
Validating their opinions
We can also foster this sense of contribution by valuing our children’s opinions on questions we present to them.
For example, I once asked my children, “Since the world is spinning, why can’t I just go up in an airplane, wait seven hours for the world to rotate, and then land in America? Why do I need to travel for 12–14 hours on a plane?”
All the kids excitedly jumped in with their own funny ideas and answers. I made sure to validate their thoughts, showing them that their opinions mattered and were important to me.
Parsha Questions
Another example is that if we ask a parsha question and a child gives an answer that happens to match what the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh says, and we respond with, “That’s exactly what the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh says!”—this can actually be discouraging for a young child. The unintended message is that their own thoughts aren’t valuable unless they align with a well-known source.
Instead, we need to show genuine interest in the child’s personal thinking, regardless of whether it matches a commentator or not. When children feel that their ideas matter, they develop a sense of contribution and connection within the family.
Quality Time on “the same side.”
Connection with the family should be created through high quality shared experiences—like stopping to watch a bug on the sidewalk or helping our child balance along the curb —in these scenarios we are on the same “side” as our children. These small, everyday moments create real connection because they allow for mutual interaction and shared curiosity. Unlike the high-energy excitement of a baseball game or amusement park, where each person experiences the thrill individually, these simple experiences of connection and enjoyment foster a deeper bond. With this goal in mind we need to be prepared for the fact that a “short walk” to the store can take 20 minutes long because we purposefully pause to explore and engage with our children. [2]
When our wife wants something differently than us
When our wife wants something different from us, we might reluctantly go along with it while secretly hoping it fails—just to prove we were right. But this is the wrong approach.
The right way is to follow her lead wholeheartedly, because we are genuinely connected to her. Not because “I love her” or “my love obligates me to follow her” – this is not something that we are thinking about at the time – but rather “because I am connected to her.”
This is a basic obligation on each one of us
If our children grow up focused only on themselves, it’s no surprise that they seek out personal experiences just to feel good. This is a major reason why drinking alcohol has become such an issue among older boys.
It is clear that we have a fundamental obligation, especially in today’s world, to ensure our children are not living in isolation. The affluence of our society encourages people to retreat into their own virtual realities, social images, and personal spaces. We must counteract this by fostering real connection.
Ultimate Goal
Our ultimate goal here should be for people to truly listen to others. This means acknowledging that the person in front of us might say something we haven’t considered ourselves. Yet, we often refuse to be open to this possibility.
For example, I once visited a congregation in San Francisco, which had no connection to Torah but did have a connection to nature. I gave a speech about nature, and afterward, they commented, ‘Wow, Rav Leuchter thinks just like we do!’ They only heard what fit within their own comfort zone and were unwilling to step outside of it and recognize that I might have been offering something new.
Indeed, this is the mindset that our generation has been raised with—being absorbed in their own world, isolated, and detached. Because of this, they struggle to accept other opinions, connect with them, and follow them.
Personally, I can tell you that when I was connected to my Rebbi, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, he sometimes said things that I completely disagreed with and thought were totally off the mark. But I kept his opinions in the back of my mind because I was connected to him! I recognized that there was another perspective I didn’t yet understand, so I didn’t dismiss it. In fact, 10, 20, and even 40 years later, I’ve come to understand and even agree with some of the things he shared with me.
Our work in this area begins between us and our spouse and us and our children. As outlined above, we must strive to create a connected and cohesive family unit. While this is a vast topic that deserves deeper exploration, the key takeaway here is to recognize a root cause of much of our society’s suffering today and to understand that addressing this “connection” piece is an essential step towards healing it.
[1] Editor’s Note: This concept is discussed further from a different angle in the shiur entitled: “Lakewood – the danger of wealth”
[2] Editor’s Note: This concept is discussed further from a different angle in the shiur entitled: “educating using free time”
