The Developmental Stages in the Work of Bitachon

Developing Bitachon

We will discuss how to build bitachon.

We think of Hashem like an insurance policy. If anything goes wrong, we can rely on Hashem to fix it.

The things that we want insurance for are very commendable. We want good sholom bayis, good education for our children, etc. The only problem is that we think that Hashem is our ‘servant’ and that He will give us whatever we need.

The reason we think this way is not because we degrade Hashem; we think of ourselves as living a small life, where the only consideration is ourselves. This is a mistake, and we need to realise that our lives are big and go beyond our personal confines.

I will bring an example from my own life to illustrate how a person can perceive their life as small or big.

Hashem has given me a mind that works uniquely. It is not that I am more intelligent than others; it is just that my mind works differently. I could use this gift from Hashem for writing good books or giving good shiurim, with the sole focus on bringing out my full potential. Alternatively, I could use this gift to fulfil my obligation from Hashem to educate others. The latter option comes from working according to what Hashem obligates me and not just using my kochos in a way that is most comfortable for me.

We need to realise that we do not exist in our own little world. Instead, we live in a big world with other people, and with our unique skills, we must serve others.

A person who only does things because he enjoys them remains in his own small world. He is not prepared to come out into the wider world, where he is not the centre but has obligations.

 Late last night, a divorced mother came to me. She has twin boys who have celebrated their bar mitzvah, as well as an eight-year-old daughter.  I was tired, but I needed to throw myself into her problem to advise her. 

Living as part of a larger world with obligations pushes us beyond our comfort zone. It makes us do things even when these things do not bring us happiness. However, doing this should not crush us. Instead, we should feel honoured (not pride) to be part of a big world that we can contribute to.

The second developmental step in bitachon is to believe that everything that Hashem sends is to educate us. This means that whatever it is, it is workable and will help us grow.

I am almost 70. I know that I am over half my life-no one lives until 140! Leaving this world at the end of one’s life means going to another world. This requires bitachon. However, this does not mean bitachon that everything will be fine and we will not die. The bitachon is that it will happen, but we will work on educating ourselves and preparing ourselves for this world.

People say that a sudden death of misah neshikah is the best thing. I believe that this is not so. It is better for a person to be aware that they are on their way to a new world so they can work towards it.

I used to learn with Rav Wolbe for many years. When he got older and became too weak to learn with me, I used to sit with him and speak with him. One time when I went to him, he was sitting with his wife and grandson. He exclaimed, ‘I want to go home.’ His grandson reassured him ‘Sabbah, you are home. This is your house. Look, these are your seforim.’ Rav Wolbe repeated ‘I want to go home.’

The Rebbetzin, who was standing behind him, said, with an enormous smile, that he is not referring to his apartment but to the next world. These are different types of people. They were always working towards Olam Habo.

The main point in bitachon is not trusting in Hashem that everything will technically work out. Instead, bitachon means to trust in Hashem that everything is workable.

Most of the time, Hashem tests people in the areas where they are rigid. People think certain things are vital and that they cannot survive without them. Some believe that this is having a position in the community. I went through a period many years ago when I thought intelligence was vital to basic survival. These are the areas where Hashem tests a person.

I had a talmid who came from a broken home. He married a girl who also came from a broken home. They had a daughter, who was always perfectly clothed. The whole family was very presentable.

One night, I received an urgent phone call from this talmid. Unexpectedly, they had just given birth to a child with Down syndrome, and they were both broken.

I went to the hospital the following morning. Some Rabbis would comfort such a couple by reassuring them that the neshamah of such a child is of an especially high level. I am not one of these Rabbis. Instead, I sat and cried with them. I empathised with them and discussed how hard it is.

I proceeded to tell them that a Down syndrome child will never be presentable. However, I added that, if treated well, such a child will give you a s mile.

This talmid had thought that life is impossible without being presentable. Here, Hashem was testing him specifically in this area! Whilst it is true that there are challenges with having such a child, in that he may have heart problems and that he might hold his siblings back, nevertheless, the main challenge that Hashem made was to attack my talmid’s backyard. He attacked Him specifically in the area that he thought life depended on.

A year later, I met this talmid in the middle of Geulah. He told me, ‘You cannot believe how our new son is a beacon of light in our family! Our whole house has changed thanks to him.’ Clearly, this talmid had been educated directly by Hashem, and Hashem educated him in a way that took him out of his comfortable ‘backyard’! His ‘backyard’ depended on presentability and the like. Instead of presentability he brought a new focus into his life-joy!

If so, bitachon doesn’t mean feeling secure that things will work out the way we want. Rather, bitachon is the feeling that things will be workable. When things go against our nature, we need to start working.

Rav Wolbe once told me that something terrible happened. He proceeded to explain that there was a very wealthy couple whose married son was in a coma. This couple tried to help the situation by sponsoring a kollel and donating money to people who would go to the Kosel to daven. They came to the mashgiach to ask for advice.

They told the mashgiach that they do all these different things, but nothing has helped. Their son is still in a coma, and their daughter-in-law is stuck as an eshes ish who cannot get remarried. Rav Wolbe told them that once in a while, these things don’t help. They responded, ‘but there must be something that will help’. This is what shocked the mashgiach. He was shocked to hear people expressing their bitachon as a belief that Hashem needs to work on our terms.

Working on developing bitachon and leaving the comfort zone of our ‘backyard’ sounds quite scary. However, to work on bitachon, we need to approach it as a lamdan would. This means, for example, that if we want to leave our comfort zone to work on our anger problems, we must not focus on the times when we are most provoked. Instead, we must target times when we are minimally provoked and work to control our anger in these more minor situations.

For example, your child wakes up in the night and you need to wake up with him. Let’s say that you have a very important meeting in the morning and the child persisits to cry and refuses to go back to sleep. To work on coming out of your backyard at this moment would not be a good idea. Instead, pick a minor scenario where you feel angry, such as waiting at traffic lights. Whilst the provocation for anger is much less extreme, nevertheless, it’s still the same anger that you are experiencing now as when you are majorly provoked, only on a smaller scale. Therefore, when you work on controlling your anger in this case, you are working on your anger problem all the same.

A married person has plenty of opportunities to step out of their comfort zone. When a wife criticises a husband for something, the natural tendency is to argue back, justify one’s actions, and free oneself from the blame. This approach ensures that you never leave your own backyard and grow. (Additionally, the wife is not looking for an explanation or an answer. She wants you to accept what she is saying.)

If, on the other hand, you accept the criticism and think about what you may have done wrong and how you can improve, that is how to really grow.