Where Therapy and Mussar meet

Shiur 11 – Where mussar and psychology meet

When a person has psychological disorders to the extent that they lose the ability to have free choice, we do not work on mussar with them. They first need professional help.

It is essential to decipher if the issue is psychologically or mussar-related. If it is psychologically related and we try to solve it through mussar, we will not succeed. Instead, we will cause major problems. Therefore, Rabbonim, who deal with people, must develop a way to sense when psychological issues are causing problems. I have read psychiatric books and even gave one to the mashgiach, who said it was very useful.

I had a talmid who had a broken shidduch. He was heartbroken. I could smell that there was something wrong. I sent him to a psychiatrist. He told the bochur that he had a deep-rooted psychological problem. It was good that they discovered the problem when they did. He still has issues, but at least he is a good person who does good for others and is a successful businessman. It could have been very serious problem if I hadn’t sensed an underlying problem.

The difference between psychology and mussar

I want to contrast the education provided by psychologists with that provided by mussar. The Mesillas Yesharim in perek 5 says Hashem is the only One who understands the yetzer horo. He tells us that the only way to deal with the yetzer and arrive at zehirus (the middah of being watchful over our actions to see whether they are good or bad) is through Torah.

The Mesillas Yesharim says a moshol of an ill person for whom the doctors prescribed a particular medicine. The patient, who lacked medical knowledge, decided to take a different medicine. Of course, the medicine he took did not help, and he died.

I want to ask a question on Reb Chaim Luzatto. Why would anyone in their right mind think that they can save their life by dreaming up a medicine for their illness? Why would a person think this would work?

It must be that we are talking about somebody who may lack knowledge of medical wisdom but does have medical life experience, meaning that he knows which standard painkillers we take when we have headaches, stomachaches, etc.

R Luzatto adds that a person who tries to defeat the yetzer horo through his general knowledge rather than through the Torah will not realize the yetzer‘s gain in power over himself until he dies with his sin, and his neshama leaves his body.

Why must he wait until his death to realize how powerful the yetzer has become in him? Why would he not know after a few months? The answer is that the medicine he prescribed himself will appear to be working. It will work for him in his tangible world. However, in the spiritual world, it will have no effect whatsoever. Torah is the only remedy for his spiritual problems. His spiritual reality will only be apparent to him when his neshama leaves his physical body, and he will be purely spiritual.

The wisdom from the great psychologists such as Freud and others is not chochmas Hatorah. Chazal say that goyim have chochmah but it’s not chochmas hatorah – ‘Torah bagoyim al ta’amin’. 

Mussar Affects our hidden, inner world

Psychology helps a person function in this tangible world. However, only mussar deals with a person’s spiritual functioning.

The mashgiach told me that if he opened a yeshiva, he would write the slogan, ‘Hatznea lechet im Hashem Elokecha.’ Mussar takes effect in a tzonuah world and aims to build an entire world that no one sees. All external actions, such as extreme movements in Avodah, expressions of great hislahavus, or going bright red in the face, are not part of the penimius hidden world of Mussar.

Psychologists serve a crucial role, but this role is to help people live in the tangible world. For example, marriage counselling is a technique to solve problems where spouses are constantly fighting. This is very important. However, it does not help people fix their inner spiritual world issues. This is reserved for Mussar.

People come to me, and they want help with different issues. I try to help but do not directly get involved with fixing things such as sholom bayis problems. Shalom bayis counselling works in a framework with a finite measurement of what needs to be achieved. Within this framework things are predictable and can be planned out step by step how exactly to arrive at the end result. This means, by definition, that such counselling is not relating to our inner hidden world of penimius.

Mussar, on the other hand, works to create a hidden penimius world. In this world, things are not tangible or given over to measurements. Things are less defined. The aim in such a world is not to push to achieve a specific measurement of success. Instead, the aim of mussar is to grow and develop gradually and naturally with the penimius.

When I was no longer working in a yeshiva, I worked with people who used to come and see me. I would try and help with all different issues. Much of the time, I would help with shalom bayis problems. A person who sponsored me in this field told me I should help people but that I mustn’t involve myself with sholom bayis.

Similarly, I went to the mashgiach and told him that I had a neighbour who was soon to be getting divorced and that I wanted to try to solve their problem. The mashgiach told me that I could not get involved with every problem and that I should leave it alone.

The depth behind their advice is that these sholom bayis issues need professionals to use their wisdom to allow people to live and function in this world. Their skill is vital. However, this only helps in our tangible world. Mussar relates to a different word- a world of penimius. There is no point in using mussar to solve a problem in the tangible world. It will simply not help. 

Let Mussar change you gradually

This is well illustrated by something that the Alter miKelm said. He said that most people do not understand what Reb Yisroel Salanter said. If they understood him properly, then they would need to change their whole lives, and they do not want to do something so extreme. Therefore, they do not listen properly to what he says. Regarding himself, he said that he has been zocheh to understand what Reb Yisroel said.

In what way was the Alter different from the others? Was it that he knew how to listen better than the others? No. He said his success was because he was accustomed to not doing what he understood.

This sounds like a very anti-mussar thing to say. It is not, though. The Alter was saying that when a person works on mussar, it is not something tangible or given over to measurement. It exists in a hidden world. Therefore, if you immediately do what you understand, you will end up not doing it properly, and you will come to ruin it and will, therefore, give it up. Instead, you must let the idea gradually develop over many years until you understand it correctly. This is real mussar.

Similarly, the Alter of Slabodka praised Reb Avrohom Grodzinsky, hy’d, that he broke every middah of his without anyone hearing the break. This means that Reb Avrohom didn’t plan a regime whereby he would work on a middah five times a day and force himself to conduct his middah correctly until it became natural. Such an avodah would have been apparent to others. With Reb Avrohom, he let his middos develop and grow naturally, and then he saw the end product.

In my afternoon kollel, I have 30 maggidei shiurim. One of whom is a major lamden. Many people told me that he would not get involved with Mussar as he just wants to learn lomdus and nothing else. To my surprise, he and a few others asked if I would give them a special vaad. I noticed that this lamden was finding it somewhat hard being in the vaad, but he managed.

I started to give some vaadim about menuchas hanefesh. This lamden said in the shiur that he goes to the grocery store with a list from his wife. He buys things from her list while simultaneously buying things he also wants. He said that he realizes that if he had more menuchas hanefesh, he would first buy everything from his wife’s list and only then buy additional things he wants.

I couldn’t believe that such a man would have been able to come to such a mussar realization. You might say that there is no nafka mina from this, as anyway, by the end of his shopping, he will buy the same items either way. Externally there is no nafka minah. However, inside in a different world- the world of penimius– there is a major nafka minah.

The hidden and gradual affect of mussar

Chazal say that Rabbi Akiva said that the constant water dripping on the stone made a hole in it. The usual way to understand this is, that even though that the drops of water make very little erosion into the stone, nevertheless, all the drops combined make a big hole after a long time.

However, we can say a different pshat. I saw a picture of a well in the desert. It was a granite stone with a perfectly circular well within it. The perfection of its appearance suggested that it could only have been formed naturally. When a person makes something like a well, we can see from the lack of perfection that man made it. The well in the picture, on the other hand, looked perfect.

If so, we can understand Rabbi Akiva in a new way. He said that because the steps of erosion from the water were minimal and almost invisible, it was possible to create such a perfect hole in the stone. This is what Mussar is. The real way that Mussar is Mechanech us is by affecting our inner world in very small steps that are not noticeable to the outside. Mussar doesn’t force its way in and make big sudden breakages within us.

Mussar deals with the hidden world within us. This inner world is not tangible and cannot be sensed by ourselves or others. This is one of the reasons why it is so hard to sell mussar. People want to work to improve themselves through tangible and measured steps. This, however, is not mussar.

One tool for the tangible world and one tool for the hidden world

We are saying that a person who has a problem needs to fix it. Mussar and psychology are two different tools for dealing with problems. We need to realise that they are not two different ways to deal with the same problem. They each deal with a different world—psychology deals with our tangible and measured world, whilst mussar deals with our hidden penimius world. Both worlds need to be worked on, but each world has only one tool designated for it.

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Written by Rabbi Rapport