Home > Lessons > Holidays > Yamim Noraim > Teshuvah – Ubocharto Bachaim 2022 > How to Put Life into New Directions
This is where the challenge of Ubocharto BaChayim comes in. Simply saying “no” to your old way of life doesn’t work because you’re not choosing a new, life-giving path—you’re just cutting off the old one. True change happens when you find something within yourself that gives you the strength to choose differently.
The concept of Ubocharto BaChayim is more than just making the right choices—it’s about consciously choosing to find life in our actions. Often, we understand intellectually that we need to change certain behaviors, but emotionally it feels impossible. We tell ourselves, “This isn’t my way of living,” and we struggle to see how we could sustain such a change. The challenge is not just about choosing technically correct actions but embracing new ways of living that give us genuine energy and chiyus.
A good example is a friend of mine, a man of means, who found it impossible to say no to people asking for donations. At first glance, it seemed noble: he felt a strong sense of obligation to help others. But a crucial step in Teshuva is introspection—digging into the reasons behind our behaviors. He realized that what really drove him was the desire for honor and approval. Recognizing that his need for approval was the source of his behavior is fundamental. However, how do you change when the very behavior you’re trying to stop is what gives you geshmak?
Simply saying “no” to your old way of life doesn’t work because you’re not choosing a new, life-giving path—you’re just cutting off the old one. True change happens when you find something within yourself that gives you the strength to choose differently. In this case, it was about honoring his own thoughts and decisions, rather than relying on external approval.
Many people feel unqualified to trust their own judgment. “Who am I to trust my opinion? I’m not a tzaddik.” However, Hashem gave you the power to make decisions for a reason. Rav Shlomo Zalman explained that Hashem doesn’t make mistakes when He gives someone wealth or responsibility. He wants you to decide where to give tzedakah, not delegate that to someone else. This shows that Hashem values our decisions. However, even if you intellectually understand that your own decisions are important, emotionally, it feels impossible to live that way.
The chidush is that by looking at others who live in ways we find foreign or difficult, it is possible to overcome this emotional block. When we observe them, it becomes possible to imagine that we, too, could live differently. Seeing someone else live with enjoyment and success in that new way allows us to emotionally accept the possibility for ourselves. It’s not about imitating them or adopting their specific traits—it’s about seeing that another way of life exists, allowing you to envision yourself living similarly, which is the first step to finding your own chayim in this path.
A well-known person we can learn from is former president Obama—who exemplified honoring his own opinion. He truly believed that everything he thought and came out of his mouth was of great importance. Amazingly, even the Nobel Prize committee thought so—even though, in truth, he hadn’t actually done anything. He just spoke in a very impressive and self-assured way.
Some might say, “But I know this person is driven by bad middos.” That’s irrelevant. Even if you don’t aspire to their position or lifestyle, you can still recognize the qualities they embody and understand that these qualities are accessible to you as well. You don’t need to adopt everything about them, but you can still learn that it’s possible to live a happy life in such a way that seems completely foreign to you.
Often, we dismiss others’ behaviors as stemming from bad traits, especially if those behaviors are unfamiliar to us. This dismissiveness blocks our ability to learn, usually done to justify why we don’t behave in that way.
To truly learn from others, you need to look at them with Ayin Tova—a favorable, non-judgmental eye. By viewing other people positively and acknowledging they have something valuable to offer, it is possible to see positive traits and actions we haven’t considered. This allows us to recognize possibilities for our own lives that we previously couldn’t even imagine.
Fundraising provides a perfect illustration of this principle. It’s a field that requires humility, recognizing the strengths of the person you are asking for help. This humility doesn’t come easily, especially for someone who is used to being in control and providing for others. Yet, successful fundraisers demonstrate how adopting this perspective leads to success.
Sometimes, learning from others in this way is difficult because their methods may include behaviors we don’t agree with—like chanufa (flattery). But we can still learn from their effectiveness without copying their approach wholesale. The key is to learn from others while maintaining one’s unique identity.
Torah is Toras Chayim. Learning torah can certainly provide the foundation for teshuva, as R’ Yisroel emphasized—learning a sugya be’iyun equips one to make the right decisions and to transform their life, but there’s a growing recognition that for our generation, relying solely on learning may not be sufficient for effective teshuva; Torah is often studied today conceptually, rather than with vivid, practical illustrations of how these teachings manifest in real life.
Teshuva must be transformative. It cannot merely be an intellectual exercise, symbolically written down and placed in the Kotel. True teshuva must work in reality—it must lead to tangible changes in one’s life. This means taking actions that may seem foreign or difficult, actions that previously felt impossible. It is about stepping into a new way of living, even if it initially seems unsustainable or out of character.
This approach actually addresses one of the significant challenges in our Teshuva; often peripheral issues are targeted rather than the central, core aspects of one’s life. For example, deciding to take off tefillin after Aleinu instead of after Uva Letzion might be an adjustment, but it doesn’t touch the essence of one’s life. It’s easy to change actions when they don’t deeply impact how we live or how we relate to our Avodas Hashem.
But why don’t we think about why we feel the need to remove the tefillin immediately? Is it merely a habit, or could it be that the act of wearing tefillin itself has become uncomfortable or even repulsive? We tend to focus on altering the action without addressing the underlying reasons or feelings. This superficial approach to Teshuva allows for minor changes without significant effort because, at the core, there is little connection to the deeper issues.
The idea of making superficial changes without addressing the underlying issues is illustrated by a couple struggling with fertility. The wife decides to switch from wearing a wig to a tichel (headscarf), hoping this external change will lead to a positive outcome. Does Hashem grant life because of an external adjustment, without transformation of one’s life?!
This approach to teshuva is flawed. It’s not about striking a deal with Hashem—”I do this, and You grant me that.” This approach reduces Teshuva to a mere business deal, missing the essence of what Teshuva truly entails. Real teshuva requires deeper, transformative change—choosing a different path in life, not just modifying surface-level actions. True teshuva means addressing the core issues that are holding us back, not merely making symbolic gestures.
Teshuva is not a superficial transaction. It’s about genuinely transforming your life by choosing to live differently in a way that brings vitality and meaning. It’s a question of life, not just actions—finding chiyus in a path that seemed previously unattainable. To achieve this, we must not only learn from Torah but also from others who live happily in ways different than our own.
Ubocharto Ba’Chayim is about more than just intellectual assent; it’s about seeing and feeling that this new way of life is possible. This vision, much like a powerful piece of art, can infuse one with the vitality and determination needed to achieve true teshuva in a way that genuinely works.