Rav Leuchter Responds to recent tradgedy in Lakewood

Mental health is an area of growing concern, and when tragedy strikes through the heart of our community, as difficult as the topic is to tackle, we are compelled to address it.

First, we must clarify that the point of this discussion is not to analyze, diagnose, or even discuss severe psychiatric disorders. That is for professional psychiatrists to handle. In fact, any time someone experiences a severe psychiatric issue, or even suspects one, mental health professionals must be contacted. The types of disorders are nuanced and varied, but they are all serious and must not be taken lightly.

The Mashgiah, Rav Wolbe, was once on his way to visit a talmid who was hospitalized with clinical depression. Before he went, the Mashgiach mentioned his planned visit to a certain Rosh Yeshiva, who “encouraged” the Mashgiach that he will be able to be mechazek the talmid, and get him out of his suffering. Rav Wolbe immediately disagreed. “If someone broke a leg, will chizzuk heal the leg? No! Medical conditions must be handled by medical professionals!” Psychiatric conditions are medical conditions that demand medical attention. They are not questions of middos or yezer horahs that can be dealt with through a mussar schmooze and chizzuk. 

Mental disorders are diseases and taking them any less seriously than that creates a clear and present danger. These diseases are life threatening! Pure and simple. An eating disorder, for example, can lead to anorexia which is sakanos nefashos. Lives have been destroyed and people have died from these conditions.

People ask, doesn’t the Torah have remedies to even the most severe disorders? Isn’t everything in the Torah? The answer is, certainly! But we do not have access to the practical information found in the Torah dealing with medical issues. Shlomo Hamelech hid the Sefer Refuos, and from that point forward, our hanahga is to follow conventional medical advice, and not to dispense medical treatment from the Torah. Is there a way to treat appendicitis in the Torah? Of course! But as that information has been concealed from us, we are left with entrusting our care to professional physicians. In the same vein, psychiatric disorders might very well have been addressed by Shlomo Hamelech using chochmas haTorah, but now we must give over the care of these conditions to psychiatric doctors and mental health professionals.

What we seek to work on today is the more general mental health concerns rapidly spreading throughout our communities, which is an area in which the Torah does have what to tell us.

The background of these growing mental health issues is living with the fears and pressures of daily life, a burning issue in our community. Our tzibbur is not relaxed. So many people go through so much of their lives with apprehensions, fears, and even a sense of panic. This pressure is a virtual petri dish for mental health problems.

There is an impression by many that conflates frumkeit with anxiety. They wonder, can you really fall asleep at night content and secure, after falling short in your avodah during the day? If you would have real yiras shomayim, wouldn’t you be a bit more nervous?

The Torah teaches us that this is not the case, and the first thing we need to know as educators and parents, is that we have the ability to create a healthy environment within our homes which does not allow  pressures and mental health issues to fester. We can and must generate an ambiance of calm, confidence, and simcha for ourselves, our spouses, and our children.

How does this work? What does it mean to be “relaxed” in a frum setting? Without question, if you don’t really care how well you do mitzvos, daven, learn, etc., you have an issue with yiras shomayim. But living without fear, and in a pressure-free environment is in no way contradictory to avodas Hashem. We’ve seen Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, Rav Nochum, Rav Aharon Leib, all very different gedolim with very different personalities. The common denominator with all of them is that they were not under pressure at all. They were very calm people who lived very calm lives.

The main source of the panic many people live with is the feeling that we are caught in a situation in which we cannot function, and things simply can’t work. This is a matter of bitachon. The essence of bitachon is that in any situation I find myself, there is work that I can do. The Borei Olam never puts me in a situation, difficult as it seems, in which there is nothing for me to do. This does not mean that the work is easy, and it does not mean the work is what I would have liked to choose. But the situation is workable, no matter what. The ability to always work in any predicament is the extreme opposite of yiush. Until the last breath a person takes, there is work he can do. We do not get our choice of work, and certainly we are not entitled to our desired outcome, but we are empowered to work at everything in a meaningful way – up to and including the yom hamissa. (As we age, we must realistically face our own mortality. This does not mean despairing! On the contrary, it means that we need to work toward it, to grow, to prepare for that time. Aharon Hakohen’s petirah was full of avodah until the last second of his life. But it was with absolute confidence, without fear or desperation.)

The Torah’s demand on us to work in every situation – and the Borei Olam providing the opportunities for us to do so – is the greatest pressure relief possible. We are not obligated to be anywhere, to reach any destination. We are simply empowered to work. Pressure is borne of the idea that we need to have arrived, we need to have accomplished, and if we fall short of that, we are stuck. We become panicked and begin to fall apart. The truth is we do not need to be anywhere. Where we are is perfect, because where we are is where we are supposed to work.

People engaged in meaningful work are not overwhelmed with anxiety and paralyzed by pressure. They are able to maintain calmness, remain composed, and have the highest likelihood for excellent mental health. As long as we have a path forward and we can meaningfully contribute to the situation, we can live without terror. Our moods will be palpably calmer and we can be reassuring to ourselves and to others around us.

This is not to minimize the problems we face! The work is often difficult, but the Torah gives us the incredible opportunity to never feel that all is lost – we have work to do wherever we are. No circumstance is unworkable. This includes negative situations which we have caused through our own failings! Reb Yisroel in Iggeres Hamussar talks to people who have committed unthinkable aveiros to the point that they have become desensitized to the aveiros. In the Iggeres, he guides them through the work they can do in that situation. Instead of depression and hopelessness, there is opportunity and hope. Is there a greater pressure reliever than that?

An example of this is the oft-repeated argument against technology; that when someone falls into the web of technology’s dangers, they feel so worthless and ashamed that they cannot daven, learn Torah, or be productive anymore. While technology is definitely a huge problem and can be incredibly dangerous, this particular argument is misplaced. The feeling of worthlessness people feel when they make mistakes and fail is not a product of technology. It is a product of wrong chinuch! Technology is the particular point of failure, but the resulting hopelessness and despondency is not created by technology. It is taught at an early age: You are judged by your accomplishments and failures, and you can either revel in your “successes” or wallow in your defeat. This notion is false and hazardous! Where one feels success, they must work, and where there is failure, they have work to do there! It is the work that Hashem desires from us, and it is the work that will define our lives. 

The Chinuch we need to impart through our words and actions cannot just be against technology or other wrongs. It must be that you are always able to do something. You are always able to work. When you fail, you will not break, because there is what to do! You will not become meyuash! You will find hope and meaning no matter what. This attitude creates the ideal environment for strong mental health.

The main ingredient contributing to one’s ability to work in all circumstances and live a life without panic and pressure, is the feeling of self worth. Without that, there is no chance that when faced with surmounting pressures and difficulties that seem to be beyond one’s control, one will be able to overcome, and see a path for them to work.

We live in a society in which this is far from simple. There is an overwhelming sense that if you are successful, you are worth something, and until then, you are actually not worth that much. Parents are keen to praise their children when they do “good things.” They will tell their children how proud they are because of good grades, a nachas phone call from the Rebbi or Morah, or a well delivered d’var Torah at the Shabbos table. But self worth is not a function of praise for accomplishments. It does not come from evaluation of their achievements, or of assigning moralistic value to the good and bad they see in their child. 

Rather, the child needs to know that they are seen by you. They need to perceive that you are taking interest in their life. Your child will feel tremendous confidence and self-worth when they know how valuable they are to you. Not what they achieved, but their thoughts, their ideas, their life is meaningful to you. Your interest in them is not due to their acting in accordance with your preconceived notions of good and bad, but they themselves are chashuv by you! Your child will know that you see him and you are interested in who he is. When he feels that what he does and says and thinks is worthwhile and important to you, he will feel worthwhile and important to himself. And then, when faced with trials and tribulations, he will be confident that his work is wanted and that it will make a difference.

Let’s take it one step further. What does our work mean to Hashem? Does Hashem really need our avodah? The answer is unequivocally yes! (We will not get into philosophical discussions here which do nothing for us and only serve to distract from the matters at hand.) Hashem tells us that He craves our avodah, that He wants our shmiras hamitzvos, and desires our Torah. The pasuk says, תנו עוז לאלוקים. I wait for your mitzvos! I want you to make a Bracha! We need to know that what we do is chashuv by the Borei Olam. He holds of our avodah, He loves it and it is meaningful to Him. Are our mitzvos perfect? Not at all! But our goal is not to achieve perfection.

Let’s make a virtual experiment. Let’s invite all the gedolim from all the generations into one room. Now, let us ask: Has anyone here, even once in their life, davened a shemona esrei with all the kavanos that are needed? How many will raise their hands? No one! Because it is impossible to daven perfectly – there is always something more, something deeper, something greater than we can accomplish. So the goal must not be “success.” Has anyone ever fully understood a pasuk in Torah from beginning to end? Never! Can it be that Hashem burdens us with a lifetime of impossible tasks? No, because the point is not success at all. Hashem is happy with us when we do not achieve perfection – He desires our work! Even Moshe Rabbeinu never hoped to attain perfection: אתה החילות להראות את עבדך “You have begun to show your servant.”

When we daven shemona esrei we know how limited our concentration is. It is far from perfect, but it is our avodah, and we will continue to give our avodah to Hashem! There is work to be done! How long can we learn Torah with full intellectual dedication? Maybe a few minutes before we begin to think of other things. But this learning that we do is chashuv to Hashem, and our avodah is meaningful to Him! It is what Hashem wants from us.

We need to inculcate this into our children. They need to know how important they are without the burden of achieving “success.” This does not mean false praise. It means to impart to them their inherent value, and the value of their individual work. They will then be educated in healthy responses when things don’t go perfectly for them, when they are met with challenges and failures. They will be relieved of the stifling pressures which do so much to negatively affect mental health.

It goes without saying that we need to steer our children away from dangers. There are external dangers, and internal weaknesses in all of us. A frozen lake has patches of thin ice. Obviously, the best way to remain safe is to avoid the thin ice. Similarly, where we know we are emotionally weak, we need to do what we can to not fall into those danger zones. But in general, the background of our lives can be much improved to foster strong mental health.

Of course, the subject of mental health is vast, and there is much more to explore. But this is one important aspect, and it is critical that we begin to make these changes for the sake of ourselves and for the sake of our children.