what is transmitted to the next generation is the pnimius connection

Shabbos – What is transmitted to the next generation is the pnimiyus connection

In the last vaad we tried to find a way through active avoda to experience pnimiyus. This is important not only for ourselves, but also for how we educate our children, and how they will connect to Shabbos. Because children connect to our world of pnimiyus. 

Introduction

In the last vaad we discussed doing physical activities which reveal a world of pnimiyus. The idea of revealing pnimiyus in our world of avoda is very much connected to what we are going to give the next generation in terms of experiencing a world of kedusha, mitzvos, and avodas Hashem. We certainly want our children to take something from our home when they build the next link in the chain of Klal Yisroel – but what is it that we really pass on? 

Children connect to where they see mitzvos touch our world

The truth is that what we actually succeed in passing on to our children is where a mitzvah touches our world. Not the practicalities of the mitzvah –  what shiur are our tzitzis, or do we make kiddush on a reviis according to the Chazon Ish. I mean where the mitzvah really touches our olam pnimi. And this really is a novel idea. Because we are sure that if we keep Shabbos and are careful with all aspects of halocho – then our children will learn from us and do the same. But that is simply not the case.  What our children connect to is not external actions, rather they connect to our motives, and the atmosphere which they experienced when we were doing mitzvos. Our pnimiyus and not our chitzonius. And when they grow up and build their own homes, that is what they take with them. We certainly do not want them to imitate our actions, but we do want to give them something to build on.

This became obvious when looking at the way my children who have now grown up connect with Shabbos. Because of all the rushing around, and the hassle of preparing Shabbos as well as the fact that my children were pretty active – my personal relationship with Shabbos was a difficult one. That had an effect on how my children experienced Shabbos – and how essentially I feel that I have not really given them something to take from our home regarding Shabbos. Today each one of my children has a very different sort of Shabbos, because there was no common ground on which to build. Of course they are connected to Shabbos because I gave them a connection to Yiddishkeit etc. but not specifically to Shabbos. 

One of my sons learned in Yeshivas Chevron Geula. One year on Rosh Hashanah he finished the musaf Shmona Esrei in eight minutes, the amount of time it would take a normal child to read it from a machzor. Someone voiced concern and said – “how could he daven so quickly?” So I told him – “you also want to finish Shmona Esrei in eight minutes– but you don’t have the guts because its Rosh Hashanah”. The truth is that it was the intensity and importance of the day that was instilled in my children, but not davening at length on Rosh Hashanah.     

The message which lies behind mitzvos bein odom lechaveiro

But there were other mitzvos at home where we were more successful in passing on a connection to our children. One example perhaps is mitzvos bein odom lechaveiro. 

For a lot of people household chores – washing dishes, cleaning etc. is basically just making sure that a task which needs doing, gets done. In our home doing these chores was to make sure that everyone should feel comfortable. It was not a case of making sure they listened to what we say, or that they should serve us, the idea was that each person was responsible for creating an environment where everyone felt comfortable. That was important to us – and it was that point which the children connected with, and have taken with them. It’s not that when they come to visit they all jump up and run to help so that my wife can sit like a queen! But rather they don’t quarrel, they are able to understand and have good relationships with each other, even though they are all very different. And this is because our olam pnimi when identifying with mitzvos bein odom lechaveiro was not to simply keeping the rules, but rather that each person had to make sure that the needs of everyone were taken into account. Everyone had to have an environment at home in which they could feel comfortable.  

There are many homes where the message that the children got about helping at home was that it was a sort of war. The parents scream at their kids to do something and the task gets done. The shoes have been shined, and the room is tidy – but that is all you have. Nothing meaningful has been passed on. There is no pnimiyus there at all. Just a lot of bad feeling. 

What children should experience when we learn with them

Similarly, when learning with our children many parents make demands. Demands like “What have you learned?” or “How much have you learned?” are commonplace. When they have fulfilled what the parent thinks is the right “amount” of learning as well as other criteria – then they get a prize. 

In our home that was not the case. I never looked at the parsha sheet my children brought home from cheder. I just signed it before they had to take it back. They received the message loud and clear, that it was not important to me if they knew what the rebbe said – that’s not what made me happy. It was not how much they had learned or what they knew, I simply enjoyed thinking and learning with them. I enjoyed the experience of seeing something together which was unclear and seeing how we could think things through together. That was something which continued over the years. My children still come to me and speak with me in learning – even on topics which I have not learned about, because learning was a place where we connected by thinking together, not a situation where I was always checking how much they knew! 

Some people want their children to know mishnayos baal peh. They think that that way they will be good at learning Gemoro baal peh, and know all of Shas baal peh. 

We all hope that that will happen – but it most probably won’t. All they are showing their children is that something which can be measured and checked is what is important. And then, when they get older and can’t be checked anymore – then they stop working. 

Where we really can be role models to our children, is not through actions, but rather where the essence of mitzvos touch my world. That is what they pick up on, and that is something we can pass on. 

Pesach – listening to the music of the Haggodoh

On Pesach I was completely obsessed with the message of the Haggodoh. Listening to the music of the Haggodoh. Now my children have that connection with Leil Haseder. It’s not the kzeisim, the maror or the cosos, that they connect with. It was not issues of how you do hasovo – is it on a chair, or do you actually lie down that made Leil Haseder special. (Of course we did all those mitzvos, we also eat Kzayis matzo בכדי אכילת פרס, and we also keep quiet for five minutes while we eat all the Kzeisim). But they connected with Leil Haseder where I connected, on a deeper level.

So when we are working on Shabbos, we are working on our own personal experience of Shabbos, our own avoda, but we have to realise that this will definitely influence how our children will connect with Shabbos as well. It’s not the external actions that they connect to, it’s the pnimiyus of those actions. That’s what we discovered in the last vaad [1], that actions can have a world of pnimiyus inside. That is what you will be passing on to your children. Not the action – rather the pnimiyus.  

שכר ועונש, והנהגת היחוד

If we think about this idea more deeply we will find that it is the same when looking at how the Borei Olam relates to the world.  The Borei Olam interacts with the creation either through שכר ועונש – reward and punishment, or through what he views as the tachlis, His plan for all of creation – הנהגת היחוד [2]. 

These concepts are discussed in depth in the Ramchals classic work Daas Tevunos. The world functions on a daily basis utilizing the concepts of reward and punishment. Klal Yisroel may well do things which are actively against that which the Borei Olam wants for his world. To some degree this may well leave an impression that we can bother and even delay the goals the Borei Olam has for His world. That שכר ועונש is needed to correct situations where things have gone astray. But הנהגת היחוד which essentially works to bring the world to the realization that there is nothing in this world outside of the direct Hashgocho of the Borei Olam – that אין עוד מלבדו, is always present. We can never really ruin the plans of the Borei Olam of revealing that He has always been present and in control throughout history. We can only choose not to be a part of those plans in a positive and active way. We may well experience שכר ועונש – but the underlying message of creation is that אין עוד מלבדו.

How ones parents are rewarded or chas vesholom punished is not the message which is carried on for all time from generation to generation, rather the deeper meaning הנהגת היחוד – is what we are focused on.  The deeper meaning for our children, and childrens children and all of klal Yisroel is so much deeper – it has an effect on all of the generations, for all time. It is the deeper plan which will remain, the revelation that אין עוד מלבדו – not the transitional stage of שכר ועונש.   

Pnimiyus – that is what we pass on. Pnimiyus is not just another important issue – it is the most important issue when addressing what we give to our children. Certainly keeping Halocho is important, but it is your own world of pnimiyus which is being passed on to the next generation. That is where you are a role model for your children.

This point cannot be emphasized enough.  What we are talking about is crucial to the continuation of Klal Yisroel. Just like with the example we brought – how the Borei Olam relates to the world in two different ways, through reward and punishment but at the same time bringing the world to its ultimate goal –  it is the plan which remains. To reveal relationship with the Borei Olam – Shchina, to reveal malchus shomayim.  That is what is passed on from generation to generation.       

 

[1] vaad 12

[2] ע’ דעת תבונות – לדוגמא סימן מ”ח