Still smarting from past disappointments, many take a minimalist approach to the Teshuva of Yom Kippur. They search for a kabbalah katanah– a small commitment for the upcoming year, hoping that it will lead to permanent, if minor, change. Yet the experience of many is that as modest as these kabbalos are, they still don’t last. And so, every year, the kabbalos get easier and easier. Last year’s kabbalah for Shemona Esrei becomes this year’s kabbalah for Asher Yatzar; if that doesn’t work, we try Asher Yatzar once a day, and so on. Eventually, it reaches a point that even if the kabbalos would endure the year, one would be hard pressed to actually notice any difference. And even then, they don’t last.
Let’s approach the problem simply and carefully. It’s a mistake to focus exclusively on how much the kabbalah means to us now, erev Yom Kippur. We have to consider how we will feel in two or three or even six months from now, when the pressure is gone and the Yamim Noraim are a distant memory. Why, come Chanukah, would I still feel bound to my commitment from Yom Kippur? Because I made a decision months ago? I change my mind all the time! If there is nothing particularly distressing about letting go of my kabbalah, then as time passes, habit and forgetfulness will gradually wear away at my resolve, as minor as the kabbalah may be. We need a kabbalah that will continue to motivate us on Purim, just as it did on Yom Kippur.
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For many, the piyyut “עזב נא בן אדם” is a highlight of Aseres Y’mei Teshuva. If you read carefully, you will see that man is not urged only to let go of Aveiros. He is urged to let go of an Olam of vanity. “עזב הבלי העולם הזה והרחק”, “עזב יקר עולם נודד נדוד”, “עזב נחת העולם הזה”. Teshuva is not simply about improvement; it is about entering a different world. As Rabbeinu Yonah says, “And how did I exchange a passing world for a world which stands for eternity?”- a world of kedusha and Malchus Shomayim; the world how the Borei Olam wants it to be. Teshuva is our attempt to become a part of that world.
It is understood that to take a step into the world of the Borei Olam, you don’t enter in an area of weakness. If you don’t feel connected to Tefilla, you will not suddenly discover a world of Tefilla. To the contrary, you find an area where you are strong, and you enter there. In the place where you are already connected- that is where you will find an entire world. This is an often-made mistake. If Teshuva is solely an attempt at self-improvement, then of course it makes sense to start from a point of weakness. But Teshuva is much more- you are entering a new world.
In that area where you feel comfortable and connected, reflect on what is still lacking. Observe an Adom Gadol in this area. You will find that there is still much to be improved. Let’s say you do feel connected to Tefilla: you enjoy davening and you do so with kavanah. After observing your Mashgiach, you might realize that your Birchos Krias Shema could still use a lot of work. That is where you should make a kabbalah katanah– where you can enter a new world.
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When you choose a kabbalah in such a manner, you will be reluctant to give it up, even six months down the line. Your kabbalah was not just a decision; because it was a step into a different world, it is not so simple to step back. You want to hold on to that maaleh. After several months of experiencing an increased shleimus in an area where you already feel connected, it’s hard to let go; you are losing something meaningful and a source of genuine pride.