In this va’ad we will explore a topic that I have always found puzzling – that is the connection between bein adam l’chaveiro and chorban Ha’Bayis. At first glance, these two notions don’t really relate to one another. One the one hand, the reason for the chorban was a flaw in bein adam l’chaveiro, i.e., sinas chinam. On the other hand, the Beis HaMikdash was first and foremost a place where one was relating to the Borei Olam. It was not, per se, a venue where people were supposed to be extra nice to one another. This being the case, how do we understand that sinas chinam is such a contradiction to Beis HaMikdash.
Understanding Sinas Chinam and Why It is a Contradiction to the Presence of the Borei Olam
While I do not know what hasharas haShecinah or navuah really means, I can tell you that a parallel idea is the emunah that the Borei Olam is ever-present in the world. Now, why is sinas chinam such a glaring contradiction to this emunah that the Borei Olam has a presence in the world? Is it some sort of onesh or is there some other intrinsic mehalach we can relate to?
The starting point is understanding what does sinas chinam actually mean. How would we translate that into English? True, the words mean “baseless hatred,” but how do you translate the mussag of sinas chinam?
In my opinion, the mussag of sinas chinam is, in a word, alienation. When one feels alien to another person, i.e., a person who is different from you, that is sinas chinam. By way of contrast, the Torah presupposes that one cannot hate themselves (v’ahavta ra’yecha kamocha). How did the Torah know that? Maybe a really person hates himself? And the answer is that a person loves things that are similar to him. Sinah enters the picture only when I (first) perceive that another person is different from me. Once another person is different from me, is alien to me, then he is simply out of the picture altogether. Why? For no other reason other than that he is different. Not on account of any unpleasant conduct or personality quirk. He is different than me and, as a result, I hate him. That is what is called sinas chinam. And this is one of the deep problems that we possess. We must combat this feeling of alienation that we innately harbor for people that are different.
Why Finding the Common Denominator Is Not The Answer?
The Borei Olam created a vast and diverse world within which for humankind to live and co-exist with one another. The Borei Olam did not create world based on sameness or similarities. That world of “sameness” is simply not the world that the Borei Olam desires to live in.
My son-in-law informed me that Harvard University conducted a study whereby they interviewed participants over a period of seventy-five years in order to identify what are the common denominators that show up among those who live longer and happier lives. The conclusion was that the primary factor was neither money, nor fame, neither food nor even health; but rather good, healthy relationships. Good, healthy relationships it seems (at least according to their study) are the most essential ingredients in making a person live longer and happier.
And this is how the world presents it, right? The two senior citizens on the park bench enjoying each other’s company, sharing in such a harmonic, moradik-good relationship. They give one another support and love and all those emotional things people seek.
While that may be fine and wonderful, I find that when I lecture in America, I simply cannot bring myself to use the term “relationships.” Why not? Because in American culture, the whole notion of “relationships” smells of gilui arayos. Why? Because that’s really what’s going on in those relationships. Each side is essentially trying to abuse the other person. Is trying to figure out where they can derive a benefit from the other person. Your spouse should support you, and give you love and shower you with good feelings…
This is not what a “good” relationship is about according to Torah perspectives. To the contrary, to the Jew, a “good” relationship presupposes that “I accept you being different from me, and I don’t try to change that.” I am not seeking to connect to you in some sort of shallow way based entirely on our similarities and how we feel can feel connected so long as we focus on similar things.
Indeed, there was a very big, intelligent man who mistakenly subscribed to this notion. His name was Einstein and (although he wasn’t American), he, too, said we have to concentrate more on similarities if we wish to render the world a more peaceful place. This is a very wrong way of thinking. One can easily delude oneself into thinking that so long as we are the same and so in sync, that is how such an unbelievable relationship will develop. Quite the contrary, according to Torah, the real depth of a relationship reveals itself davka where the other person is different than you.
If you recall before you got married, someone definitely warned you, “don’t try to change your spouse.” As you grew older, though, you may have entertained the (false) ideal that really, really the best matzav would manifest itself if only you could change the other side. This thinking, however, is deadly wrong and shallow. Just the opposite, the real relationship emerges davka where the other person is different – and you do not try to change them.
Viewed in this context, we can understand that sinas chinam is the totally opposite koach. When I encounter a person who is different – who possesses different middos, or harbors different preferences in life – instead of that difference being a fruitful source of relating to that person; it becomes a source of alienation. In the wake of this alienation, the Borei Olam is not interested in being a part of that world.
A Chiddush in Emunah And Its Centrality In Our Avodas Hashem
This fundamental chiddush in our emunah is as follows. Every single situation in this world is definitely a makom for avodas Hashem. This is true no matter how foreign or alien a particular person’s circumstances might be. This being the case, when one Jew relates to another – and davka someone who is different than him – the initial mindset is not that I am being sympathetic person, not that I feel for him in his matzav. No. The first thing is for me to realize that wherever this other person may be, for sure it is a place for avodas Hashem. There is a meaningful activity to transpire in that place – notwithstanding the fact that his place is so very different from mine. This is how a Jew looks at the world.
Again, it’s not about how I feel or how I connect; but rather it is more of a recognition that his place – while it is so foreign to what I am familiar with – is one hundred percent a place to fulfill avodas Hashem.
This is where we can discover the connection between bein adam l’chaveiro and emunah. This is a connection that we never would have considered. Why? Because bein adam l’chaveiro is about middos while emunah is a question of believing in the Borei Olam. So we would have viewed these concepts in two totally separate orbits. Yet here we discover the connection. When (and since) you have to relate to another person – an entirely different person in an entirely different space than you – the first step is essentially a matter of emunah, i.e., to realize that the space he occupies is indeed an important space. Why is it important? Not just because it is his particular sphere; but rather because the Borei Olam Himself is interested in that particular situation. That particular situation is of worldwide significance because the Borei Olam absolutely wants avodas Hashem to be revealed there.
Against this backdrop, you don’t have to hate this other fellow. You don’t have to view him as strange. You don’t have to alienate him at all. So what that his place is not my place? It matters not in the least because you have emunah that the Borei Olam has avodas Hashem for him to accomplish. Because the Borei Olam wants to be in that world
Coming full circle, sinas chinam is the koach that manifests itself when you intrinsically feel that the space occupied by the other guy is truly without importance. OK, I believe that his matzav can change, and perhaps then it will make sense; but right now, no, it makes no sense. When you think like this, the Borei Olam says that the world that you envision is too narrow.
In a narrow world like this, there is only one type of inhabitant – you (and people like you). This is not, however, a world for the Borei Olam. No, the Borei Olam wants a broad world with all different types of people and all sorts of realities that enable all kinds of avodas Hashem to show-up. And here we see the deep, inner connection between sinas chinam and hasharas HaShecinah.
When one goes with sinas chinam, one causes that Hashem should escape from such a world. That narrow-mindedness is at odds with Borei Olam’s creation of a very broad world, a diverse universe with all sorts of dissimilar people and dissimilar situations. The one common denominator is that all the situations are all there for avodas Hashem. That’s the emunah and, without that emunah, we see clearly why the resulting problem is one of bein adam l’chaveiro.
People ask me where is the makor for that emunah – i.e., that all situations call for avodas Hashem. And it is neither a Tanchuma nor a Nefesh HaChaim. To the contrary, it is very simple. Just like you know that when you consume food, your body will have energy to function (even though you never studied medicine or nutrition) so too, with this emunah. When you relate to people and when you see people in all types of situations that are totally foreign to you, it is impossible to really feel “the same way” or to be totally in sync with their matzav.
Yet, you can still recognize that the matzav they are in is definitely an important one and definitely a venue from which to make avodas Hashem from. It really is a very simple idea in emunah. It just comes across as totally novel because but we either (a) don’t really relate to anyone; or (b) think that a relationship (a ’la Einstein) consists of two people concentrating on the common denominator between them. This type of approach is a big mistake. To the contrary, we have to live with the perspective that yes, the other person is different; yet I completely relate to him because the Borei Olam wants that difference to remain and wants me to realize that avodas Hashem stands to be fulfilled. This represents the inner connection between bein adam l’chaveiro and emunah.
Applying this Emunah To Our Interactions With Others
Where can we find this emunah playing a role in our bein adam l’chavero. One primary way is to stay attuned for situations that are quite different from our own and to keep mindful of the reality that this particular situation is of tremendous importance.
Practically speaking, I encounter people in the world on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis and speak with people who are facing the most terrible situations imaginable. They share with me what other people told them and it is simply hair-raising. You would not believe how people are so missing the mark and so unable to relate to the different, foreign situation that this person is finding themselves in.
For example, let’s say you are speaking with a person who is haunted by “non-success.” The starting point is that this particular person’s matzav – even of non-success – makes perfect sense. Yes, even a matzav of protracted, non-success remains a place that is equipped for avodas Hashem. The fact that his place, Baruch Hashem, is not my place doesn’t make a difference. What matters is that his place makes sense. This attitude, you will see, will motivate you much more to help that person or daven for that person. Why? Because when you think of that person through the prism of this emunah, you will intuit this person has avodah to do and you will wish that his avodah shall be executed in the best way possible.
The end result of this approach, you see, is not just to pity the other guy; but rather to relate to the worldwide sugya he is contending with and to be motivated to interfere on his behalf. After all, you will want to make a positive contribution to that sensible avodah.
Applying this Emunah To Your Tefillah
A second place where this emunah will prove fruitful is with regards to one’s own personal tefillah. On the one hand, we are used to asking for that which we need – parnassah of Baruch aleinu and refuah; on the other hand, we have the old yesod that one should (definitely) not try to change one’s spouse.
So, when I daven Shemoneh Esrei, I should start to blush and turn red. Why? Because my only (real) agenda is to change the Borei Olam. Up until now, He did not give me parnassah so this entire interaction of davening essentially boils down to my trying to change that Divine agenda. Why should I try to change the Borei Olam? What kind of relationship is that if one is constantly trying to change the other?
Based on the emunah discussed in this va’ad, let us change our approach to tefillah. First and foremost in tefillah is that you have to come to terms with the fact that the place you are is a place that makes sense — even if you have no money, even if you have no success, even if there is no refuah – wherever you are is also a place for avodas Hashem. With money or without money, the place where you are is one hundred percent a place where avodas Hashem will be niskayim.
In this context, tefillah then becomes a special opportunity that the Borei Olam gave us to share our input in a tziniyus and penimiyus fashion. “Hashem, I am sure that the matzav I am in is a place where avodas Hashem can be niskayim. But you gave me this opportunity to have a talk with you, and it could be that it would be easier for me to do my avodah if I would have money. And I thank you for allowing me to utter my opinion in front of you.”
This penimiyus tefillah is essentially what it means to be an “oni al hapesach.” An ani presents his situation to the potential giver in the hopes that perhaps, he will be interested in helping to change my matzav. The ani doesn’t twist the arm of the gaveer. So too, our tefillah is not an attempt to twist the arm of the Borei Olam to the point that He should change the matzav.
Precisely because we fail to see this point, precisely because we approach davening from such a superficial perspective, we find that tefillah drives us crazy. Why? Because we approach the tefillah from the vantage point that the only thing that makes sense is when I will have money. Otherwise, no other possibility makes sense. At that point, the entire tefillah is gone. From the very first words of the tefillah until those three steps back, everything revolves around one idea – money. Why? Because when you started the tefillah the only way your world made sense was if there was money available.
By way of contrast, the proper way to approach tefillah is with the reality that “where I am makes sense and yes the Borei Olam definitely put me into this matzav; just that I have a possibility to present my request.” Again, it all stems from this backbone of our emunah that every single situation is there to work with.
Hasgacha is Never B’dieved
Now, don’t come to me and ask, “what will be where a person causes harm to himself?” People ask me this question, but I confess I don’t really understand where it is coming from. There is no b’dieved in eyes of hashgacha.
By way of example, let’s take the notion of makkos that one receives after having committed an aveirah – not just any aveirah but an aveirah b’mazid – and not just stam on a whim, but rather toch k’dei dibur of receiving hasrah. Now that’s pretty bad. This guy who is eating his shrimp under such circumstances is really doing something wrong.
Yet, we don’t find that the Torah is at a loss as to how to respond. No, not at all. The Torah is not surprised by this renegade. To the contrary, we have an entire masechta makkos dealing precisely with this seemingly very b’dieved situation. Now we would never learn-up that masechta as if the whole notion of makkos was b’dieved. Makkos, adim zomemim , whatever it may be, these topics deal with a matzav in a l’chatchila fashion. Again, this understanding is a by-product of the emunah that in every matzav there is makom for avodah. This then can serve as our background for tefillah and our background of bein adam l’chaveiro.
Parenthetically, there is one matzav that this outlook will not suffice and that is the notion of cheit. One simply cannot say they’ll do an aveirah and that will become a good place for avodah. This point is borne out by Rav Hutner zt’l in the nusach of davening that the Borei Olam is rotzeh b’teshuvah. There are simply no two sides about that one.
Conclusion
This approach to emunah opens up the possibility for a lot of work. (Especially during the bein hazmanim when one sees all different types of people). The work begins with being misbonen that wherever a person may be holding, the Borei Olam wants that avodah should come to fruition there. Once we begin to see the world as a place for avodas Hashem, we can alleviate our suffering from sinas chinam. How? Because when we view another person as being so different and so alienated that there cannot possibly be avodas Hashem by him, we are essentially throwing that person out of the world of the Borei Olam.
And even if we will actually do something for him, some sort of gemilus chasadim or some sort of loan from a gemach, the chiddush is that it remains sinas chinam so long as I resist seeing avodah in the world that person inhabits. This is a hissorerus for the Nine Days and opens up a world of work in understanding the deep-connection between sinas chinam, bein adam l’chaveiro and Churban HaBayis.