In this week’s parasha, the Torah tells us that the stark difference between Yaakov and Eisov became apparent when they grew up. Rav Hirsch interprets that when they were young children, Yitzchok educated them in the same way. One must educate each child in a manner appropriate to his nature and tendencies, as the posuk in Mishlei says: “Educate a youth according to his way.” An appropriate educational approach can even save a child with the base nature of Eisov.
How do you deal with a child who shows signs of veering from the path you want for him? Rav Hirsch opened up the sugya of how to educate the child. But the Torah also speaks about the need to educate ourselves.
Dovid Hamelech had a rebellious son: Avshalom. He wasn’t a power-hungry maniac. He was a well-loved and beautiful person, who thought the kingdom belonged to him after the death of Amnon, the first-born. We need to understand that the conflict between Dovid and Avshalom wasn’t just over who would rule, but also how to rule. Avshalom had a different way of running a kingdom than Dovid Hamelech. That’s why even when after Avshalom’s death, his followers said, “We have no connection to Dovid.” They supported Avshalom’s philosophy of ruling.
Avshalom didn’t just challenge Dovid’s rule. He challenged Dovid’s way of ruling. He told Dovid, “Your way is wrong. I have a better way.” That’s why Dovid thought he should do Avodah Zara and be executed rather than be killed by Avshalom. Because being killed by Avshalom would show, as it were, that the kingdom established by Shmuel Hanavi was worthless. It would be better, Dovid reasoned, to be killed for his own personal sin than to discredit the way of malchus inaugurated by the prophet of Hashem.
That’s the deeper issue at hand when a child is going off the derech. It’s not just that the child is opting for a different way of life than the one you want for him. He’s challenging your own way.
Our problem is that we fail to see that the child is challenging us. Even if we do, we ignore his challenge entirely. We just denounce the error of his ways, and we won’t even consider for one second the possibility that our own path is mistaken. Me, mistaken? No! I know my way is right. My way is the Torah way. Dovid knew Hashem wanted his malchus; Shmuel Hanavi told him that. But no navi told us our way is right. We should at least consider the possibility that there’s something wrong with our preferences or behavior.
We don’t want to be challenged. That’s our first problem with kids who go off the derech. We think our child is challenging the holy Torah, so of course he’s 100% wrong. Don’t think if you consider his challenge that means you’re giving him a stamp of approval. If you made your own hechsher on wine, not too many people would drink the wine because of your stamp. Your hechsher is not so important, so relax. Acknowledging his challenge isn’t about approval, rather about relating to him.
The main pain of children who go off the derech is that their parents don’t understand their world. The parents aren’t blind; they observe that their child has a different approach to life. But that fact doesn’t influence the parents one iota. I can perceive all sorts of different cultures. But that doesn’t challenge me. I don’t think maybe I should stop eating with a fork and use chopsticks because the Chinese do. Why should I change my way just because there’s another culture? That’s how many parents feel about their children’s approach to life. It doesn’t affect them; it doesn’t make them think for one second about their own worldview.
We have to be a lamdan and think more deeply. What values lie behind our child’s behavior? Don’t just look at the aveira, rather at what lies behind his actions. He’s telling you, my world has different values than yours – please think about that. Let’s say he becomes a bartender. What might he be telling us? Maybe I’m such a successful CEO because success is more important to me than the welfare of others; that’s why I can fire a hundred people without the slightest compunction. He’s telling us, “I can’t have this way of life that only cares about money, not about others.” So he goes to the bar and listens to others speak about their lives. He sees and engages in social interactions he never saw before. Maybe I’m lacking that?
That’s an example of reconsidering our approach to the material world. But the same is true regarding our path in Yiddishkeit. There are so many possibilities of authentic Jewish life. Of course, you can’t live all those possibilities. You can’t encompass them all. But you have to understand that your way of Yiddishkeit is only one of many legitimate approaches. That opens us up to understanding that the challenge our child poses isn’t a challenge to Yiddishkeit as a whole. He’s challenging my particular way of Yiddishkeit. Perhaps my way of being a frum Jew is too narrow, and I need to broaden it.
Admittedly, it’s not easy to reconsider our approach to Yiddishkeit. But it’s much more painful to lose our connection to our child. Show him his approach to life has its place in your own world.
So many young people go off the derech today. What’s so terrible about being frum? Being frum has never been easier. You can do almost anything. Today, you can be rich, go to the beach, have a private jet, go to Disneyland – you can be a frum Jew and enjoy the world to the fullest. So parents wonder, why does my child have to leave Torah and mitzvos? What is he seeking that he can’t find in Jewish life? The answer is, there’s nothing in the Torah that’s driving him out. Rather, he thinks there’s no place in Torah for him. He thinks his approach to life is out of the scope of Judaism. We need to consider the possibility that his narrow perception of Yiddishkeit is due to our own path in Yiddishkeit being overly narrow. He challenges us to broaden our horizons in Yiddishkeit itself, and show him he has a home in the world of Torah and mitzvos.
Let’s say your daughter dresses immodestly. You think she does so because she takes issue with Judaism’s requirements for modesty. Think a bit deeper. Don’t just look at her actions, which are definitely forbidden. Try to find her approach to life she’s expressing in her actions. Perhaps she feels a need to express herself physically, and she thinks body expression isn’t allowed in Judaism. But it is! When I danced at a chasuna, Rav Avrohom Solomon told me, “It’s great to see a person using his body for Avodas Hashem.” So show her that body expression has a legitimate place in Yiddishkeit.
Dressing immodestly could have other reasons as well. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that her underlying issue with Judaism as she perceives it is body expression. I’m just trying to make the point that you have to be a lamdan, and look beyond the aveira to find the approach to life that her actions express. That’s where you have to work to enrich your approach so she’ll see there’s room for her too in Yiddishkeit.
We’re not open to this. We think our child is challenging the holy Torah, so we can’t budge one inch. No, he’s not challenging Yiddishkeit. He’s challenging your way of Yiddishkeit. That’s a new ballgame. If you work to broaden yourself, the chances your child will feel he has to leave a life of Torah observance are much smaller.
You can do this from a young age, not just when a child shows signs of leaving the derech. You see one of your children has other tendencies or preferences than you. Maybe he’s more social, or more introverted. Everyone knows you have to educate him in the way that’s right for him, but his way should also teach you to broaden your own way in Yiddishkeit. You want to educate him to be a part of the world of Torah that’s so important to you, but to do that YOU have to be broader. You have to show him that his approach to the world has a legitimate expression in Torah and mitzvos. That’s how you can connect all children to Yiddishkeit.
