Rashi Chaye Soro Sheini

When we contemplate growing in our avodas Hashem, we often think of expansion, of extending our abilities to other areas. We improved in a certain topic, and now we are ready to move on, to conquer new vistas, to push the frontier further.

This is not how real growth takes place. We need to strengthen our abilities in the same area, to deepen our connection to the same part of our avoda where we already experienced success. In other words, we need to develop a stronger hakara in that area.

When we settle for superficial achievements in any given area, we risk missing the possibilities for continued growth. On the contrary, we might view a mida as one-dimensional, and mistakenly identify some of these opportunities as problems, thinking that they detract from the mida.

For example, someone gives over a Torah message, and he emphasizes the importance of his words by using strong, perhaps even harsh, language. Automatically, we become defensive. We attribute his words to some latent negative middos emerging from deep inside his personality, instead of recognizing that the Truth requires strong proponents, and this person is engaged in the greatest act of chesed. He is educating us, opening our minds in no uncertain terms to the truths we would not have realized ourselves, to correct our misguided opinions. But we feel attacked, because we do not have a mature hakara for what true chesed looks like. We think that chesed only means giving, helping, saying a kind word. These are all wonderful endeavors, to be sure, but chesed can appear in other guises, as well, and not everything is meant to be sugar coated. We hear things like, “A real Talmid Chochom always speaks softly,” a patently false, yet oft-repeated response to a powerful and intense lecture.

Or consider another example. Yaakov Avinu had a genuine hakara in the mida of emes, and this enabled him to speak deceptively, when necessary. Yes, a naïve person might think that emes means sticking to the truth, the plain reality, come what may. “Truth is truth! Lies are never acceptable!” Yaakov understood better. He knew that emes means standing up for what’s right, for the emes of the ratzon Hashem, and when dealing with a charlatan like Lavan, this means doing whatever is needed to thwart his wicked plans.

The same is true regarding in the areas of sur m’rah, our avoda in avoiding the pitfalls of the yetzer hara. All too often, we stumble and make mistakes, without even realizing we were facing a nisayon in the first place. We only realize it when it is too late, after we experienced the yerida. How, then, can we be held responsible for our shortcomings? How were we meant to avoid these problems, if we never dealt with them before, and did not recognize them as a ploy of the yetzer hara?

The answer is that we need a hakara in our yetzer hara, as well. Here, the hakara serves the opposite purpose. We need to recognize our yetzer hara so that we should not follow him, so that we can avoid his pitfalls. If we have this strong recognition of the yetzer, if we know what bad midos are all about, then we can recognize them even in unusual and unexpected circumstances.

Korach, for example, was a great chochom. He would never succumb to an overt nisayon of jealousy. But he had ruach hakodesh! He saw his destiny, his future descendants, and this convinced him he was right. Surely, he thought, there could be any kinah involved in interpreting this message! And yet there was, because the yetzer hara can turn up in any situation. Only a strong hakara offers full protection from the yetzer.

Rav Yeruchem Levovitz ztz”l said that he would never trust himself to be alone in a room with an unknown quantity of money, lest he capitulate to his yetzer and steal.

Do you really think that Rav Yeruchem would steal someone else’s money and put it in his pocket? Of course not! We cannot even imagine ourselves doing such a thing. Rav Yeruchem knew himself, and he was not being foolish, or irrationally ‘frum’.

No, Reb Yeruchem would not take the money. But he might pick it up, he might hold it, or perhaps count and organize the money into the various denominations. And if he did this? G’neiva! This would be tantamount to stealing. You do not have permission to lay a hand on someone else’s possessions! You and I might not consider this stealing, we might not be overly concerned with this possibility. But that is because we do not have a good hakara of our yetzer, of this aveira.

We have two examples in our parsha of individuals who showed real growth, who became much bigger than they were. But they illustrate the distinction we drew earlier, since they grew in completely opposite ways.

Efron sold the me’aras ha’machpeila to Avrohom Avinu. He charged him a fantastic sum, way more than the true value of the field. Avraham happily paid this price, because he wanted to own the field free and clear. He wanted Efron to relinquish all rights, all connections to this special place. Therefore, he refused to accept it as a present, because when someone gives a gift, he retains some connection to the object. Just imagine how you would  react if your relative would visit your home soon after giving you a generous gift. Most of us would scramble to display the gift prominently, to demonstrate our gratitude. No one feels this way when they make an expensive purchase! The seller is not remotely interested in what you do with the item, as long as you paid up. Furthermore, Avraham did not want Efron to regret the sale, to harbor any pretense that he could have done better. Avraham insisted on buying the field, and he paid the outrageous sum without the slightest fuss, so that Efron would have no claim whatsoever on the property.

And what did Efron do? His actions did not measure up to his words. He offered it as a gift, and then dismissed the sale as a trivial matter, but his hand went out on its own accord, he demanded a large payment despite himself, because he was under the spell of his yetzer.

The Gemara compares the yetzer hara to a string. At first, he is like a strand of a spider’s web, fragile and easily overcome. Yet, when one does not resist, his power grows, until he becomes like a thick rope, strong and almost invincible.  

Efron was a shrewd businessman, and he grew his wealth to unimaginable proportions. But this is not real growth, because he did not develop at all. Money is money, whether a few shekel or four hundred silver kantrin. It is just more of the same, there is no deepening of the concept, everything exactly as recognizable as before.

Rivka, on the other hand, also showed tremendous growth in her midas hachesed, but she developed the mida in entirely new ways. Eliezer asked her for a drink of water. She readily gave it to him, and then informed him that she would also draw enough water to satisfy all his camels.

Let us understand this properly. She did not give him a drink of water and then promise to host him, feed him, or help in any other possible ways. Eliezer devised a very precise test. She did not just give him more than he asked for. She perceived his request differently. Her midas hachesed made her see things differently. To her mind, when someone needs a drink of water, she must tend to all his drinking needs. She must water his camels as well. This is true growth, because she developed a strong hakara of chesed, going beyond the superficial giving to truly caring for another person.

I once experienced such chesed, and it is something I will never forget. A chavrusa of mine, the son of a genuine Talmid Chacham, told me that he grew up with very little Torah discussion around the Shabbos table. A favorite topic of conversation was the mida of chesed, how to broaden their horizons and deepen their understanding of this mida. It was an interesting tidbit of information, but I then had the opportunity to see this translated into action firsthand.

At that time, I had three small children at home, with the fourth on the way. All three came down with the measles, and then my wife became bedridden with hepatitis. I was left alone, with no one brave enough to visit, trying to manage the entire household myself. And this was before disposable diapers!

Then one day the doorbell rang, and I opened the door to a woman who introduced herself as my chavrusa’s sister. She proceeded to sit down, pull out a piece of paper, and ask me for my family’s favorite foods, so she could cook us the entire Shabbos according to our preferences.

Contrast that with our approach to chesed. When asked for help, we are often happy to oblige. We even pick up the phone and offer our assistance, but in the form of that inane comment, “Please do not hesitate to call me whenever you need anything,” an offer that is almost guaranteed not to be utilized.

This woman knew how to do chesed! However, notice that it begins with contemplation, with a sincere effort to develop the mida properly. If we do not plan, and we approach it haphazardly, it is very probable that we will go about it wrong. Then, we can follow up with the actual chesed, but not in the typical fashion. If we develop a true hakara, we will see how to go beyond the usual expectations, deepening and broadening the meaning of the mida, and experiencing real growth.