The Pitfall of Attained She’ifos
It is quite common for us to aspire to achieve a particular ma’alah in our learning, in our tefillah, or in other areas of our avodas Hashem. Throughout our efforts to attain that ma’alah, we experience growth and elevation. Yet, when we seemingly reach the longed-for summit and feel that we have actually achieved it, suddenly our growth comes to a halt. Often, we even experience a decline. What is the secret behind this phenomenon? Why is it precisely when we have reached the peak that we descend?
The Essence of Unattainable She’ifah
It would appear that the secret lies in understanding the fundamental question of what we are seeking in our she’ifos, and how that she’ifah affects us. We tend to think that the measure of the success of a she’ifah depends on actually achieving the goal. However, from the words of the Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 10:3), who describes a person’s obligation to draw close to his Creator as being “like one who is obsessed with love for a certain woman, constantly when he lies down and when he rises, his mind never free,” it emerges that our superficial inclination is fundamentally mistaken.
A person who is utterly consumed with love for a certain woman knows that the moment he attains his desire, it will no longer be his entire world. Everything that fills his world and occupies his thoughts stems from the fact that this is something unattainable—only because of this is he preoccupied day and night. Thus, the Rambam writes that the pattern of spiritual she’ifah must be even more intense than this physical one. The essence of the search is for something that is fundamentally unattainable, and only because of this does it have the power to completely fill our entire world.
Anyone who has once engaged seriously in any spiritual sugiyah recognizes how he becomes completely absorbed in the subject with which he is dealing. He constantly seeks to hear more about the sugiyah, he is never satisfied, and he always feels there is more to delve into and to add. He recognizes that this is engagement with something infinite that can never be fully grasped, and he could potentially engage with it without limit.
In our times, the reality of our lives is characterized by consumerism and abundant accessibility. Nearly everything a person desires becomes available and accessible. Consequently, every desire is accompanied by instant consumption that seeks to obtain and consume the desired object. It is this reality that causes us to mistakenly think that the ultimate purpose of she’ifah is to achieve and complete the matter, when in fact the primary virtue of she’ifah is to yearn for something that is essentially unattainable, and only in this way does it propel us toward constant avodah.
We are not accustomed to thinking in such a manner. We can even provide a chinuch-related illustration: Often, when a child requests a treat on erev Shabbos, we tell him to wait until his mother lights the candles. If he is unhappy about having to wait, we explain to him that not everything he wants must materialize immediately. Yet somehow it does not occur to us to tell him that in the meantime, he should be glad that he can imagine and dream about the treat he will soon receive.
We have become accustomed to instant gratification of our desires, without dwelling within the desire itself. Even when we encounter an obstacle preventing us from obtaining something, we view it as an external hindrance interfering with our ability to obtain what we seek, and as soon as the obstacle is removed we will obtain it immediately. In truth, however, there is tremendous value in dwelling within the desire itself.
Cultivating Endless Yearning in Avodas Hashem
Every ben Torah has a desire and she’ifah to strengthen his connection to Hashem’s Torah and avodah. However, we tend to try to fulfill that desire as quickly as possible, when in reality what actually elevates a person is being “obsessed with it constantly”—engagement with something that will always remain unattainable. A she’ifah has the power to motivate us to work wonderfully, but only on the condition that there remains a she’ifah. When we achieve the thing and are seemingly finished with it, there is no longer any she’ifah, and consequently nothing to propel us forward. It is then that we experience a decline.
However, we should not aspire to things that are not shayach to us and do not suit our abilities. Nevertheless, we must aspire to broaden and deepen the shayachus we already have with ruchniyus, with the understanding that this is something we will never be able to fully attain, and there will always be additional depths to plumb. On the contrary—if it were possible to achieve the thing completely, all the virtue of the she’ifah and desire would disappear, just as the constant preoccupation with love for that woman exists only because that love has not yet been attained.