There are some who tend to think that a person primarily needs the quality of self-confidence in order to feel comfortable and respected in his surroundings. However, when we examine the matter more deeply, from a Torah perspective, we find that it is needed above all in a person’s relationship with himself — for there it serves as the root and central anchor of his entire avodas Hashem.
A World of Constant Inner Struggle
Ever since the sin of Adam HaRishon, the forces of good and the forces of evil operate within a person simultaneously. As the Nefesh HaChaim writes (Shaar Aleph, 6): “All of a person’s deeds are in a constant state of confusion and great variation — at times good and at times evil, perpetually shifting from good to evil and from evil to good. Even the good deed itself can hardly ever be, for most of mankind, entirely holy, pure, and clean, completely devoid of some tendency toward self-interest or even the slightest thought for one’s own benefit.”
Our avodas Hashem, in the aftermath of the Cheit, is one of great confusion and mixture. In every good act of ours, forces are pulling us in both directions; within every positive point there lurks something negative as well, and within every negative trait there is also something positive. Our task is to toil and recruit as many of these forces as possible toward the side of good. To accomplish this, we must look carefully at all of our forces — both the good and the evil — and try to steer and direct them toward goodness, for even in traits that appear utterly bad, there remains a good point that can be drawn toward kedushah.
Daring to Look Within
Yet as bnei Torah who wish to fulfill the Borei Yisborach’s will, we find it difficult to look honestly at those very deficiencies and negative forces that lie within us. We may try again and again to strengthen ourselves, yet we do not dare to cast a sincere and penetrating gaze upon ourselves and upon the reality of our lives, fearing that doing so will bring us only discouragement and despair. Instead, we tend to suppress and deny our true condition, and in doing so, we forfeit many precious treasures — gold and pearls, so to speak — that could have served us greatly in our avodas Hashem.
We thus see that the primary area in which we need self-confidence is, first and foremost, in our relationship with ourselves: in our ability to look directly into the depths of the yetzer hora and recruit as many forces as possible for avodas Hashem. How do we accomplish this?
We can learn the answer from the Nefesh HaChaim (ibid., 18), who draws a parallel between the redemption of Klal Yisrael from Mitzrayim and the personal redemption of an individual from his sins. As is known from the talmidim of the Gra, Yetzias Mitzrayim came about through the mitzvah of emunah in Hashem, upon which Klal Yisrael was somehow able to hold beneath the yoke of slavery. So, too, it appears that a person’s redemption from his own sins comes about through his emunah in himself, as a Yehudi who belongs to malchus Shamayim.
Emunah has the power to give a person strength and stability. Even when difficult things occur in the world, chas v’shalom—whether on a national or a personal level—emunah gives a person the strength not to break. And just as emunah in the Borei Yisborach has the power to sustain the entire world in a general sense, so, too, there exists an additional layer of emunah: the emunah of a person in himself, by virtue of the connection the Borei Yisborach has granted him. This is a simple, unwavering emunah that one can reach great heights and belong, more and more, to a life of kedushah.
Such emunah can instill within us the strength to look objectively at the reality of our lives as they truly are, and not deny our condition — for this emunah is not founded upon our being in the right, but rather upon the fact that we, as Jews, belong to a world of kedushah.
True Confidence: Not Perfection, But Belonging
With this in mind, we can understand the vast difference between the way the secular world approaches self-confidence and the way we, as bnei Torah, approach it. The outside world constantly broadcasts messages about how strong and capable a person is, with the underlying goal of leading him to believe that he is, so to speak, devoid
of any flaw. We, however, as bnei Torah, do not seek to be free of blemish. Rather, we seek the confidence that enables us to look directly at our own deficiencies and to consider how we might extract some benefit from them as well, for the sake of avodas Hashem.
We can now understand, with even greater clarity, why the essence of a person’s self-confidence rests upon his wondrous capability for avodas Hashem. For a person’s emunah in himself — that he is a Jew who belongs to kedushah in every situation — has the power to allow him to examine his deficiencies and his negative forces, and to extract benefit from them as well for his avodas Hashem.
Indeed, there are times when, in the midst of doing teshuvah, we stand bereft of confidence and avoid looking back at our painful past. We are certain that many of the forces that once led us astray — such as boldness or curiosity — are inherently evil, and as a result, we forfeit the opportunity to bring them, too, into the fold of kedushah. But if we succeed in looking at them with confidence and with the emunah that we forever belong, then we will be able to recruit them, along with many other additional forces, for the avodah of the Borei Yisborach.