As the years pass, we see the generations changing at a faster and faster pace, and the gap between parents and children grows correspondingly greater. We are therefore tempted to do whatever it takes to relate to our children. Now, it is certainly true that a detached parent will have minimal impact on their child. However, it is a mistake to conclude that you must bridge the divide by creating a state of equality. Involving yourself in their interests and activities wholeheartedly, essentially lowering yourself to them, is not the correct answer.Let us consider another relationship important in Yiddishkeit. The positive impact one gains from shimush Talmidei Chachamim, by having a close connection to an adam gadol, cannot be overstated. But how exactly does one benefit from such an arrangement? After all, one can learn endless amounts of Torah from a Rebbi without developing a personal relationship. Clearly, the issue is not merely the imparting of information. Rather, by observing him from a close vantage point, one can gain a better understanding of the gadol’s world. One sees how he cherishes certain things, certain ideas, while distancing himself from others. The gadol is selective in what he allows to enter his ‘world’. Some things simply have no place around him, they simply cease to be relevant in his proximity. This teaches the observer about the relative importance of whatever one interacts with, and he can hope to elevate his own values, as well.A similar process should take place in the chinuch of our children. We are often super focused on the here-and-now, on the endless minutiae of tasks and accomplishments we hope and expect to see from our children. How do I get him to learn more? How can I convince her to daven better? There is a time and place for such questions, but we must not overlook the crucial task of creating a proper chinuch environment, a setting that is conducive for their growth. We don’t only aim for them to perform better. We want them to desire the right things, to connect deeply to our values. But harping endlessly about our values, and certainly attempting to foist them on our children forcibly, will only drive them further from us. Rather, we must create a background for our children’s growth by allowing them a glimpse into our own world.You are the parent, the adult. It is understood that you do not live in the same world as your child. When we put too much emphasis on whether specific actions are appropriate or not, we risk our children labeling us as ‘out of touch’. Instead, we should focus primarily on influencing the retzonos of the child. Yes, you are above the child; you live on a higher level. But always remember that to your child or student, you are the gadol. They observe you, and they come to recognize and appreciate the world you live in. True, we also need to demonstrate specific traits or actions, so that they can learn from our example. But more importantly, we need to show them our world, show them how we assign importance to the various components of life. They will naturally want to connect to this higher reality. This creates in them a deep desire to grow and develop in a similar way.To do this properly, we must understand something integral to any value system. It is a common fallacy to assume that we can eat our cake and have it, too. Why can’t I live an elevated spiritual life, while indulging my physical desires and whims? The answer is that every value system must assign relative values to different items. Necessarily, certain elements rank higher than others, and we cannot honestly claim to be equally interested in them all. To the extent that we immerse ourselves in certain values, others will fade in importance.For example, Rav Wolbe ztz”l would look askance at anyone who maintained a home that expressed physical perfection. In his view, when all the external trappings are just-so, when all the furniture, window treatment, and paint colors are perfectly coordinated, it is a sign that it is not the home of a ben-Torah. Why? What is the big deal? It is possible that there is nothing forbidden with this lifestyle. But when so much importance is ascribed to one’s physical surroundings, it must come at the expense of the spiritual ideals of the home, because they now occupy a lower place on the hierarchy of values. In such a home, the children will inevitably sense the relative worth of Torah and gashmius. It makes no difference what the parents preach; the children observe the world their parents have established for themselves, and this speaks louder than any other words.In my own home, I have tried to downplay the importance of being ‘presentable’. When I discovered some small holes in the upholstery of my new chairs, I was appalled at the lack of craftsmanship and the seller’s deceit. Upon further investigation, I discovered that the damage was caused by mice! Having given up on the prospect of reimbursement, we proceeded to use those chairs happily for many years. The holes did not make the chairs any less comfortable, and they were not visually disturbing when sitting around the table. But holes they remained, and the chairs were not so presentable. Years later, my children told me that this made a strong impression on them. “There are holes in the chairs. So what?”This is not only true of lofty Torah ideals. All values, any approach to life, become part of our environment and will carry over to the children. Although I try to keep my home simple, there are several notable exceptions. For example, I am constantly writing notes, and I use a beautiful, expensive pen. I am perfectly aware that any standard, cheap pen would do the same job. But in my mind, the pen lends a certain chashivus to the task, and this helps my focus and performance. Therefore, I did not mind the expense, and I purchased it with an easy conscience.Where did I acquire such an attitude? In my parent’s home. Many aspects of my childhood were very modest, bordering on frugal. Yet the walls of our home were graced with several original drawings and signed lithographs of famous artists. My father had an emotional attachment to these items, and so he deemed them worth the expense. The many details that make up my daily life might be quite different from my father’s, but I observed his world, and absorbed its values.This approach requires effort on the part of the educator. The Torah demands from us to operate from a higher plane, because this is the only way we can truly address the inner desires of the child. This requires self-awareness, to have a good grasp of our value system, because that way we will know what messages our actions communicate to our children. We can then hope to adjust these messages, so that we create an environment that successfully transmits our values to our children.
