let the other take central stage

Over the past few weeks, we delved deeply into the mitzva of Ahavas Yisroel; some felt perhaps too deeply. We usually focus on strengthening our love for our fellow Yid by developing our emotional connections. We work on improving our relationships, on being kind and pleasant to each other. It might feel a little strange to stress the intellectual basis for this mitzva.

However, this is exactly our intended goal. We are indeed seeking to increase our love for each other, in the most practical sense. However, we must understand that simply behaving properly does not necessarily help us change internally.

Yes, the principle is well known: Acharei ha’ma’asim nimchochin ha’levovos, one’s heart will follow his actions. In other words, one’s external activities influence him and are a catalyst for inner growth. However, a person’s intentions, the spirit that lies behind his actions, are the determining factor for how they will impact him. For example, the very same action might demonstrate great chesed, or it could be a manifestation of chanufa, insincere flattery. Or, as Rav Yisroel Salanter points out, an act of apparent humility might be a warped strategy to earn more honor. How our actions affect us depends on what they mean to us.

Therefore, we need to understand properly what Ahavas Yisroel should mean to us. Then, we can smile at another Yid and make him feel good, and these intentions will be strengthened. Otherwise, our positive actions might convey a different message altogether, and our Ahavas Yisroel can remain unaffected.

Let us continue where we left off. We are attempting to improve our Ahavas Yisroel by focusing on our appreciation for another Yid, and this is rooted in our appreciation of our own status as Yidden. To this end, we asked ourselves, “What is a Yid?”

The real answer is that we do not know the true depth of the chashivus of a Yid. Every human being is capable of reaching great heights in any number of spiritual endeavors. However, a Yid is inherently connected to a higher world, a higher purpose. There is a certain background, an underlying value that adds special significance to everything a Yid does. We do not see this, we do not recognize it or appreciate it, because we are too hasty to judge and to label others according to our preconceived notions. We think everyone fits into some proverbial ‘box’, based on some external considerations. When we view people this way, we only see their superficial actions, and we will never notice their latent greatness. We then constantly bemoan the state of today’s generation, how frustratingly small and limited everyone seems to be.

We must be prepared to be surprised constantly, to see others in a new light. We can only do this if we move out of our comfort zone and cede the ‘control’ we crave over interpreting those around us. Allow for the possibility that you are surrounded by incredible people, who have many wonderful attributes, if you only try to notice. Allow other people to take over, to dictate your perception of them. Allow them to show you that they are much greater than what you expected them to be. In the most natural and casual way, without the discomfort of turning the other fellow into a case study for your Ahavas Yisroel, be tuned in to noticing the greatness of another Yid. Here is a striking example of such a moment.  

I was traveling on a bus occupied mainly by secular Israelis. A high school senior was sitting near me, talking to his friend about his upcoming final exams. Teenagers being who they are, all the passengers could follow their conversation perfectly. At one point, he said that he was going to be tested on the Nevi’ei Hashem. When he made this statement, he pronounced Hashem’s Name. And just like that, in one instant, a hush fell over the entire crowd, and there was a moment of complete silence. As for myself, I could only marvel at this display of the pure Yiddishe neshamos of all those present. They might not have been frum, yet they possessed such sensitivity that they were shocked into silence by the blatant disrespect of His holy Name.

The same is true in the opposite extreme, as well. We know people who display overt signs of greatness, areas where they excel. However, this also causes us to label them, to think we have them all figured out, and to ignore the more subtle signs of the true greatness within them.

I knew a Professor, an extremely intelligent fellow. At the end of his life, he fell ill, and experienced severe cognitive decline, to the point that he did not recognize his own children. When he was niftar, I went to be menachem avel the family, and his son told me a remarkable thing. “During this last period, we saw our father’s stellar middos. Even though he did not know us, he was constantly thanking us for every bit of help, constantly apologizing for inconveniencing us.” I used this occasion to point out what an opportunity they were afforded. “You got to see our father in an entirely new light,” I told them. “You thought you knew him, you understood what he was all about. He is smart, an intellectual powerhouse, a real thinker. Of course, he always acted properly. But perhaps that was just his manners, his social correctness? Now you know better. His real greatness, his innate goodness, the way he perfected his character – this only came to the forefront when Hashem stripped him of his more obvious faculties.”

We need to beware the dangerously superficial way that the outside culture favors in resolving this issue. Professionals struggle with the difficulty in giving objective, unbiased opinions when evaluating other people. Their modern sensibilities have come up with a scientific way to deal with these biases. They just remove themselves and their own personalities from the picture, and rely on statistics or various objective testing methods. They completely negate the need for them to register their own opinion, thus avoiding the problem altogether. 

This is not the Torah way. We need to involve our own personalities when interacting with others. We must seek to develop the capability to see others with more positivity, to see their goodness, despite the inherent difficulty. Yes, our midos tend to get in the way. That is why we need to work on our own middos, our own character.

There is no guarantee exactly what this attitude will uncover. We might not experience life-shattering revelations daily. However, it will certainly bring us much closer to appreciating others, to loving them for who they are – another Yid.