עפר אני בחיי, קל וחומר במיתתי, הרי אני לפניך ככלי מלא בושה וכלימה (וידוי של יום כיפור)
Ideally, how should one feel after reciting the vidduy on Yom Kippur? Relieved? Guilty? Maybe purified? The correct answer is that he should feel ashamed. Thus, we conclude vidduy with the pronouncement: “I am dust in my life, all the more so in my death. Behold I am before You as a vessel full of embarrassment and shame.” But this feeling of shame (not to be confused with low self-esteem) does not come so naturally to us; we are already quite accustomed to our weaknesses and failings. How can we arouse within ourselves such a feeling, simply, genuinely, and constructively?
Teshuva requires that we focus not only on our actions, but also on the “כוחות הנפש” – inner drives and forces – that lead us to act as we do. With regard to actions, our aim is to simply and directly “cut out” the harmful behavior. But when it comes to כוחות הנפש, we cannot just “cut them out”; these כוחות are part and parcel of who we are. If one is constantly curious, and therefore easily distracted, he will not be able to simply ignore the world around him. If he craves social interaction, and is always gossiping and flattering others, he will not become an introvert overnight (or probably ever). So what should he do? The first step, before he even tries to modify his undesirable behavior, is to explore how he could also channel this כח in a positive way. For example, if he is very socially oriented, he can seek out those who struggle socially, and help them feel more comfortable. The same כח which leads him to lashon hara and the like can also be used for helping others. Or if he is curious about world events or sports, he can also be curious in Torah: “What does this posek hold about that question”, or “What do the talmidei haGr”a say about that?” Simple curiosity – the same כח that causes him to waste so much time – can actually draw him closer to Torah. And that makes a person feel embarrassed, because he realizes that he really could do better, without changing who he is. He could direct this powerful כח for Torah or chessed, but instead he does the exact opposite and throws it all away. That’s embarrassing. And because he is “full” of curiosity, or “full” of social awareness, he is “as a vessel full of shame”.
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A sense of embarrassment helps form the groundwork for Teshuva. We are all familiar with the declaration of the Navi Yechezkel, “החפץ אחפץ מות רשע נאם ה’ הלוא בשובו מדרכיו וחיה” – Do I desire the death of the evil one, says Hashem, but rather that he should repent from his ways and live. (Ch. 18) Yet the Gemora maintains (Niddah 70b) that this holds true only for those who “perform teshuva”. But how can that be? The Navi is clearly speaking of a “rasha” – an evil one, not a person who has already repented. Rav Yisroel zt”l explains (Ohr Yisroel 30) that the Gemora is not referring to someone who has already repented, but rather to someone who is “מוכשר לתשובה” – disposed to Teshuva. For such a person, Hashem desires life. Rav Yisroel writes that a person is considered “מוכשר לתשובה” if he feels passionately that he is lacking, and that something must change. This is where a sense of shame can help us. If we can identify the ways our natural כוחות could be directed for good, that will create a sense of shame, because we really have no excuse. And once we feel shame, then Teshuva is no longer something that we only “want” to do, or that would be “nice” to do. It becomes a must, and that is the basis for a successful Teshuva.