One of the forty-eight kinyanim of Torah is shimush chachamim—attending to Torah scholars. This kinyan is not fulfilled through the occasional halachic question asked once in a while, but rather through genuine shimush — the kind that guides and educates a person to walk in the correct direction—the path chosen by the chachamim. Such shimush inevitably involves the talmid receiving criticism, and it demands that the talmid be attentive to that criticism and allow it to shape him.
The Modern Aversion to Criticism
The difficulty is that today we tend to interpret such criticism as a contradiction to our personal self-worth. We have convinced ourselves that if a flaw has been found in us, we are somehow diminished — as though our very ability to stand tall depends entirely on being flawless, without so much as a blemish on our pristine white garment. As a result, more and more people avoid shimush talmidei chachamim altogether, and some even feel pressured when it comes to asking straightforward questions, out of fear that the question is too simple — or, worse, that they might receive some form of rebuke.
Yet in truth, all of a person’s development is built through his relationships with others — with members of his household, his friends, and his rebbeim. These relationships build a person and cultivate his personality. But today, the moment a question does not come out well, or some criticism is directed at us, we immediately interpret it as a rupture in the relationship — and before long, we withdraw and disconnect, convinced that others must surely think we are worthless. Moreover, we have become accustomed to thinking that ours is a weak generation, one that simply cannot hear or accept criticism — and so we shatter easily at the slightest remark.
Reframing the Question
In truth, however, this very attitude — beyond being an unfair indictment of Klal Yisrael — itself broadcasts a fragile weakness and prevents us from developing self-confidence. We must disagree and state that the opposite is true. It is not that the generation is weak; rather, it is our very avoidance of and fear of criticism that renders us weak and lacking in confidence. The more we learn to hear and accept criticism, the more we will develop and strengthen our personal self-confidence.
We must understand that our self-confidence does not depend on the approval of those around us, but rather on our remarkable capacity to work with the unique strengths that are ours. On the contrary — the ability to receive criticism is a wonderful instrument through which we can refine and sharpen our avodah. It does not in any way contradict the relationship; rather, we are both permitted and indeed expected to maintain our connection and sense of belonging even in the presence of criticism, and we must certainly not retreat because of it. For self-confidence does not require that we be right — it requires only that we work with what we are, each person precisely where he stands.
A Lesson from the Mirrer Yeshivah
In earlier generations, this was far more natural. Rav Yerucham of Mir, zt”l, once publicly removed one of his talmidim from the beis medrash in a manner that caused him great embarrassment — and that very talmid ultimately became his son-in-law. The sharp criticism that was necessary in its moment was not perceived for even an instant as a contradiction to the bond between them. It was not seen as a severance of connection, but rather, on the contrary, as a catapult for chinuch and growth.
We see this same principle in married life. Every married person must be capable of hearing criticism and acknowledging his shortcomings. He must not regard this as a contradiction to the bond and relationship, but rather as a driving force for the shared work of a life built together. Today, the prevailing culture searches for the “perfect” — the perfect shidduch, the perfect home. This tendency stems from a lack of confidence to stand before imperfection and say: “Yes, this is not perfect — but that is no contradiction to who I am. I will work with it, and it is right for me.”
Similarly, when it comes to helping others, we lack the confidence to offer partial help; we want to help perfectly or not at all, leaving no room for small acts of assistance. All of this stems from having anchored our confidence in an imagined perfection, rather than recognizing in every step and every bit of progress a wonderful opportunity for avodah.
The Foundation of Our Relationship with the Borei Yisborach
When we reflect still more deeply, we will recognize that our entire relationship with the Borei Yisborach rests on this very point — on our capacity to stand before Him and serve Him despite our failings, for those failings are no contradiction whatsoever to the relationship between us. We must certainly not retreat on their account. On the contrary — it is often precisely out of one’s deficiencies that the deepest relationship is forged. We see this clearly in the life of Dovid HaMelech, ע”ה, so many of whose tefillos and intimate conversations with the Borei Yisborach arose specifically from his deficiencies and his failings.
We thus find that the deeper we probe the question of genuine self-confidence, the more we come to see how profoundly it touches every stage and every dimension of our life’s avodah. It becomes clear that our confidence depends neither on our surroundings nor on any external factor — but on ourselves alone. In order to work on this, we must reexamine the very foundations upon which we have built our sense of self-confidence. Is that confidence grounded in an imagined and elusive perfection — or in the extraordinary capacity to ascend in avodas Hashem?